MY HEART HURTS

As I typed this post, I have the doubt in the back of my mind that I will even publish it.
But I feel the need to write it out.
Maybe it will be cathartic for me, to put these thoughts into words. My heart hurts and I am at a loss to comprehend and understand some people. I have the belief, that obviously is not shared by everyone, that you can't treat others badly without that circling around and coming back to get you. And it's not even that really. It's so much more than that. It's not just the fear of it coming back to you, it's your heart knowing that it's wrong and just being part of who you are that won't allow you to do it because you could not live with yourself. That you be would be forever tormented and your heart broken beyond repair.

There are decisions that I have made in my life that haunt me and while I realize they were necessary, they still hurt my heart. One of those decisions is when I finally placed "Ralphie" into a rescue. It took me a long time to get to that point and it was only after he had attacked my dog Vera. Years ago I had to put down my dog Lulu and I still can not write about that. Someday I will but not now.
I also think of Lola, who was so damaged before she came to me, that she was unable to recover. I know that some dogs can't be saved but it was with extreme sadness that I let her go. My only solace was that I knew she was finally at peace.
So what has happened?

Well...

I take care of a lot of dogs. The majority of them are regular clients. Many of the owners are a bit high maintenance and that is fine with me. I prefer that they supply me with lists and detailed instructions. I suppose it's because I too am high maintenance when it comes to my own pets. I know what they like and need and I want them to have it.
So I follow the instructions, no matter how extreme or bizarre, not only because I feel like that's what they have paid me to do but also because if I promise to do something, I will do it. But really, most importantly, it's because I care about the pet. Sadly I have come to realize that sometimes, I am the only one really caring.
Several years ago I took care of 2 of the most beautiful Border Collie's I have ever seen. Their markings were gorgeous and their temperament, perfect. When they had puppies I called my sister right away. She has always wanted a Border Collie, but at the time her plate was full. I toyed with the idea myself but I usually prefer not to adopt someone that is in great demand but rather choose to rescue those that are unwanted.
Not long after that litter found homes, the male was tragically hit by a car.
I continued taking care of the female, following the owners detailed instructions.
I've always said that if I ever got a Border Collie, I'd want one just like her.
Monday her owner came in. She's moving. Someplace they don't allow dogs.
Why would a person move where they couldn't take their dog?
I had just been on the phone myself, making calls to find out just what the animal laws were in different areas, just in case I did ever decide to move. Some areas have strict restrictions and others don't. I would never have my pets but into jeopardy. They are my family. My main concern.
...I just can't take her.
I don't know how she is with little dogs and cats and....I'm just so tormented.
We gave the owner information about Border Collie rescues. I've called my sister and while she does want her, she's decide not to adopt her. She has a big rowdy male dog, an ancient lab and several cats. She's too worried it would rock their boat. I understand.
But I am so sad.

Another dog that I care for, a very chubby Dachshund mix was boarding with me quite often. This roly poly guy had a mom who would call me for updates on how he was doing. She would always laugh very loudly over the phone and tell me to give him hugs and kisses. I would relay stories and she would just exclaim how he was such a sweetheart. But when she would drop him off and pick him up, she never had time to talk about his stay. She would just grab his leash without even greeting him and be on her way. Yet I continued getting these loud exuberant phone calls. She kept extending his stays while saying how much she missed him. I came to realize that she was obviously putting on a grand show for someone as she called me.

This Thursday I got a call from a friend that he had been released to the shelter.

His owner said he barked too much....
I know that my friend called so that if I wanted him, I could go get him.
I just can't. She assured me that he would find a home easily. He was so adorable.
My heart hurt.
What is it with people? Especially people acting like they care SO much. Calling me and leaving me specific instructions. I told my co-workers about him being at the shelter. They all shook their heads in bewilderment and reassured me that he would easily get adopted.

I walked away. My mind went to another little dog.

She's a teeny tiny thing. Her owners bring lots of supplies and make a big show about how much they love and adore her. She's a timid little thing. She sits in the back of her run, on her bed and doesn't move.
Her name is Mellie. Marsh-Mellie.

One time she got a little bit of poop stuck to her bottom in the long hair by her tail.
As I washed her off in the sink, I called her Smellie-Mellie.
She pulled back her lips, at first I thought maybe she was showing her teeth but instead I realized she was SMILING.
Now whenever she boards, I call her Smellie-Mellie and she dances around and smiles.
Her owners adore her though. They reassured me of that many times.
Even when she was to be picked up on a Monday and no one showed up.
I didn't even care, I didn't even bother having anyone call them.
But finally on Wednesday I had the receptionist call and see if they were EVER coming.
They showed up in big fanfare, full of apologies.
How did that happen? It's their only pet. It's not like they have to do a head count like I do when everyone comes inside or goes into my laundry room when I get ready to leave the house.
Then there was the time that she had lost so much weight.
The groomer noticed and they said she just wouldn't eat.
They made an appointment to have her checked out.
While they were in the exam room and Doc was in the lab area, I walked up to him and set a can of dog food on the counter in front of him. I said - "Put a TBSP of this in her food bowl and cover it with her dry. She'll eat."
And she did.
So I thought about her after the news of the little chubster being at the shelter.
The thought went through my head - At least it wasn't Mellie.
I know better than to actually verbalize anything. If I don't SAY it, it won't happen. Right?
So, I'm driving home Thursday night. My cell is laying in my coin container and it rings.
I glance down and see it's Work calling me.
I pull over and answer it.
It's one of the receptionists. She tells me that Mellie's owners just called for me.
They have decided to get rid of her.
Would I be interested?

NORA EPHRON (and my neck)

You know how you think of a person and then the next day run into them?
Do you do that?
It happens to me all the time.
Sometimes I will start to think of someone and stop myself and sort of chat
"No. No. No." to myself.
(I have a lot of people that I'd rather not run into.)
Or you talk about an old movie and suddenly they are running it on Saturday afternoon TV.
The other day I was thinking about Nora Ephron.

I think she is very funny and I'm not easily amused.
Well... actually I am, just not by what seems to be popular nowadays.

I'm not into bathroom humor or men dressing up like Grandmas.

As you might know, Nora Ephron wrote and directed a lot of movies and authored several books.
My favorites being "When Harry Met Sally" and "You've Got Mail".
Last year I checked out her book on CD - "I Feel Bad About My Neck", to listen to in my car for my drive to work.
I found myself smiling as I drove and I think I even laughed out loud once.

So the other day I looked in the mirror at work and I thought about Nora Ephron and her book.
I'm still eating healthy, I haven't cheated at all.
So I'm losing weight and the bathroom light is very bright there and I noticed my neck.
The skin isn't loose but it looks "different".
Kinda "crepe-y". Yeah, that's the word that sprung to my mind.
I marched up front and made the office girls look at my neck.
They didn't see a thing. They said I was crazy. That it looked fine.
Nope, my skin is old. I can see it looking less "springy".
I have always had my age guessed many years younger than I am.
People say that I don't have wrinkles and my standard line has always been -
"Oh! I'm a bag of wrinkles! It's just my FAT puffing it out!"
Ha ha haaaa.
Not too funny, if it is indeed true.
So there I was, tapped my finger against my throat, thinking about the BIG necklaces

and scarves in my future,

And Nora Ephron.
and then today I see that she has passed away at the age of 71.
The world has lost a great talent and a very funny lady
and suddenly my neck doesn't seem to matter so much anymore.

IRRATIONAL THOUGHT / DREAM CAREER

Watched the CBS Sunday Morning Show.
I always do if I'm home and don't have to go into work.
They reran some stories and one of them was about raising Alpacas.

I hate that.
Every time I see those damn things I want to move to the country and raise them.

I tell myself that it wouldn't be as wonderful as it looks.
Probably a lot of poop scooping.
Oh wait, that's what I do now...

I wonder what it would be like to wake up and go outside and take care of these guys.

To only answer to myself.
To have some down time to sit down and work on creative endeavors.
To not have to deal with backstabbing.
To work for myself and possible make a better income.
I Googled on website on a family that makes a living raising them.
http://www.harleyhillfarm.com/
They have seasonal events and training seminars...

Everyone is always telling me to take a really vacation and go someplace.
Maybe Pennsylvania for a seminar?

HOT, VINTAGE FINDS

I found some GREAT Vintage finds and Jimmy is HOT!
A couple of weekends ago I stopped in at the antique/collectibles mall that I used to have a booth at, just to see what I could find and
I discovered this Fabulous Mid-Century cabinet!

The best part is I don't have to do a thing to it!
(that cord to the left is to my tv antenna, YES! I have an antenna.
It's so annoying that I'm almost tempted to get cable, just to get rid of it AND to get better reception...
Or maybe I should just get rid of the TV!)
Anyway, back to my Mod Cabinet.
I love the white top and the silver vintage pulls on it.
It was only $35.00!

Then last week I decided to hit Goodwill and Salvation Army.
I have a large foot stool and I've even bought fabric to cover it with,
but I had kept putting it off.
I knew that it wasn't REALLY what I wanted.
I wanted a coffee table. 
Then I discovered this!

I'm not sure if it WAS a coffee table but it will be now.
I think I will paint it WHITE.
I like the look of the metal pattern so I don't want to cover it with painted board or a mirror that would hide it.

So I might get a piece of glass to fit inside.
and it only cost $6.38!

And finally, It's been SO HOT!
I've put all the air-conditioners in and the ceiling fans are always on.
It took a while to cool it down.

Jimmy Chew had a hard time getting comfortable for his nap.

Finally he gave up and laid on the floor directly under the ceiling fan.

I had given him a quick trim a while back, kind of a butch job and it's starting to grow back.
I need to do it again.

Hopefully he will look better the new time.
(I'm linking to Nita's Mod Mix Monday) -
http://modvintagelife.blogspot.com/2012/06/mod-mix-monday-55.html

Hervé Tullet

I've been searching the Internet
and checking out Children's books from the library.
Devouring everything I can for knowledge and inspiration.
I want to take my bits and pieces of random scribbles
and quickly jotted down notes and blend they together
to magically form a book.
My journey has left me spellbound and dazzled by illustrators.
I have just discovered Herve Tullet.
His book "Press Here" is pure genius.

and now he's done it again with "The Colouring Book"

                            http://www.herve-tullet.com/en/boite-9/The-Colouring-Book.html
Just Fabulous.

PHOTOGRAPH

Have you ever taken a photo of something and then when you look at the picture you notice all the other crap that's sitting around?

It's like your eye has gotten used to the laundry pile on the kitchen table or the stack of stuff at the foot of the stairs, that you don't even see it anymore.

Then you take a photo and BAM! there's all this STUFF.
Or have you ever experienced the flip side.
You are somewhere, feeling good and photos are being taken and then later you see yourself and are startled at how you REALLY look.
Maybe that's not the flip side at all.
Just another case of getting used to something and not seeing it as it really is.
I'm still working on ME.
I want to look like I feel...or at least a bit closer to it.
I thought I was working on the HOUSE situation but after taking a photo of Jimmy Chew sleeping on the sofa, it was pretty startling to see all this JUNK still here.
Sigh...someday.
Slim and Healthy.
Tidy and Sparse.
That's the dream.

DEBT-TO-INCOME RATIO

OK. I know that there's a problem with mine.
That's why I wanted a loan.
If I had lots of INCOME, I wouldn't have the DEBT.
My bank guy thought he had a great plan but...
The City stopped that.
Several years ago I qualified for a grant to rehab my electrical, plumbing, stuff like that.
I'm eternally grateful of course,
But apparently I am not allowed to consolidate any debt and subordinate the lien until the full 10 years of the grant has gone by.
Sigh.
I get it.
Totally understandable.
Sort of. Although my mind first goes blank
and then there's a buzzing noise when it comes to finances.
But Hey! I'm used to living the edge
and on the BRIGHT side....I don't have to rush my repairs/remodeling on my home.
Rather than just fix things to pass an appraisal I can work on making them EXACTLY how I want it to be.
So.....
Yeah.
To be honest, at first I was crushed.
I got the news at work and it was hard not to cry but....
I've got my health.
I'm actually very fortunate.
Things happen for a reason.
Still.... I'm bummed.
Time for some garden therapy.

I HAVE SO MUCH TO DO...

and so little time.

If you know me, you know that I am QUEEN of PROCRASTINATION and INDECISION.
but...

I'm trying to get some financing for my home.

I WAS going to try to get financing for the "perfect" house that I found but after much thought I decided if I did that, I would NEVER be able to retire and...

maybe I just wanted a house that was all DONE.

But if I quit procrastinating and made some decisions and stuck with them and got MY house DONE. Well, maybe I would be HAPPY...

so I need to get house stuff DONE, in case I get approved and they have to send out an appraiser.

So, I will be GONE for a while.

I have a HUGE "To-Do list"!

Wish me luck!

EMOTIONAL EATING

I still have not broken my good healthy-eating choices lifestyle thing.
Usually it's pretty easy.
I have discovered lots of things I like to eat and that are good for me.
But a few weeks ago when I got the call that my Grandfather had passed away, after I hung up the phone, my thoughts immediately went to Oreo cookies. I wanted to stuff my face with them.

But I didn't.
After all this stuff with my Ruby.
I wanted Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Ice Cream....smothered in Hot Fudge.

But I didn't.
I did come home and thaw out some frozen cherries, which I stirred in some Fat Free Cool Whip.
OK, I admit that I first opened the cool Whip container and just took a big lick.
Or two.
I live alone, I can do that.
And even when the boss ordered in pizza for lunch for everyone in honor of it being the last day for one of the other vets who is leaving for a new job...
I didn't eat any.

Yes, I did leave the building and go out and buy some sliced turkey and a banana and some fig newtons.
I didn't have any even though everyone in the building was snacking on it all afternoon.
I'm going to do this if it kills me...
well, actually I'm going to do this so that it DOESN'T kill me.
Thank God there's no fat or cholesterol in UV Blue Vodka or Moscato wine.

So, what do you WANT to eat when in times of stress or some emotional conflict?
and more importantly, WHAT do you actually munch on?

YELLOW

"I've been feeling a bit YELLOW"

Yellow?
It's never been a color that I'd pick.
Blue? YES!
Turquoise/Aqua? Of course.
Sometimes Pink, or Red or Green or even Purple
and always Black, White, Grey.
Possible Orange but NEVER Peach.
But SUDDENLY I am all about YELLOW...

What's happening to me?