She passed when I was 14 after a horrible battle with cancer.
Back then you didn't talk about cancer or about people who had died.
You kinda pretended it never happened.
Or at least that's what you did in my family.
But now, decades later I'm thinking about her and allowing myself the memories.
I'm thinking about how superstitious she was, about everything.
Everything caused a consequence, and you can bet it wasn't good.
So the other day when I was having a frenzied dog-mom day I said something that immediately made me look over my shoulder.
All the dogs were being rowdy and just getting on my least nerve.
I had the backdoor open leading to the patio area but someone still just had to go poop on the potty pad.
Just a few more steps but no! they had to do it in the house!
Then someone was walking down the sidewalk in front of the house and a couple of the dogs noticed from the window and started a chorus of barking.
I tried to quiet them down and then I noticed Jimmy running after Poppy.
She was scurrying away, dodging back and forth under furniture.
She was scurrying away, dodging back and forth under furniture.
Jimmy was trying to grab her and do the humping thing.
He doesn't do that as a mating goal but more as a dominance thing.
He used to do it to Griffin but now that Griff is gone, he seeks out the weakest link.
and Poppy is tiny and weighs less than 5 lbs.
Yes, Rosie is just as small and OLD, she's almost 14 but she gets in his face and barks at him.
"Get the HELL out of here!" she snaps, so he goes after Poppy.
I scooped her up and yelled at him.
I held and gave her a kiss and told her
"Don't worry, someday it will be just you and me"
GASP!
I can't believe I said that!
WHY did I say that?
Yes, she is one of my youngest dogs and the smaller the dog, the longer they tend to live, but...
I looked around and immediately wanted to take it back.
Yes, she is one of my youngest dogs and the smaller the dog, the longer they tend to live, but...
I looked around and immediately wanted to take it back.
I suppose mothers feel like that sometimes. They just wish their kids were grown up and out of their hair.
But that doesn't happen with pets...
and I DO love my fur kids with all my heart.
and I DO love my fur kids with all my heart.
I looked over at Blue and almost started crying.
I didn't mean it.
Yeah, that made me think my mom again. She would have had me throw salt or spit or something
but I don't remember....
Then the other day I was scanning the real estate listings on my lunch hour.
It's a habit now, even though I have decided I'm happy with my home.
I'm in a nice neighborhood, a very safe one as far as that goes.
If someone was going to rob anyone, they probably wouldn't pick my house.
It's too visible on a main street and also the fact I'm surrounded by much nicer bigger homes.
That, and the fact that the dogs are ready and set to sound an alarm.
Then I thought about my mom again as I clicked on listings.
She loved her home.
I knew that she came from very humble beginnings and was so proud of the fact that my dad had built their home.
Yep, Mid-Century, maybe that's why I still love the style.
When you came in the front door the first thing in front of you was the fireplace and then when you walked around into the living room, there was the other side of it.
The back of the house was a big picture window and then a jalousie porch ...all glass.
The back of the house was a big picture window and then a jalousie porch ...all glass.
Yes, it was nice, but almost every Sunday afternoon she would make us all go on a Sunday drive.
A drive through neighborhoods to look at houses.
(I suppose if she were here now, she'd be scanning listings on the Internet too.)
She would have my dad drive really slow and they would make comments and observations.
Me and my sister would be bored to tears and sometimes I would see kids from my school playing in their yards and I would slink down.
"Hurry up! Drive faster" I was so embarrassed. I mean, what was the purpose of this?
One of her favorite places to drive to was the old rich neighborhood in the most wooded section of town up on the hill.
It used to be very elite, but now it's older and the homes considered smaller
and on the other side of town is the NEW mega mansions.
In my town, you want to live up on the hill. Anywhere ON the hill.
But that was THE hill on our drives.
Sure there are some beautiful homes down below, but not the safest.
and now... my sister lives in that Hill neighborhood.
I wonder if somehow all those Sunday drives worked their magic into her brain?
She used to drive out of her way and through that area on her way home from work on some mornings and one day, there was a house for sale that was HER house.
That's what she said. She knew it was her house.
Anyway, another place my mom adored was a high-rise built into the middle of town.
Now people call it high-rise condominiums.
The tallest building in the city.
She used to talk about maybe moving there too.
So the other day at lunch as I'm scrolling through listings, I see that one of them is for sale!
I excitedly clicked on it.
OMG!!! Heaven.
I went up front (the office is very quiet usually over the lunch hour) so I showed the girls the listing.
They all immediately agreed, it was totally me.
What with all the white, how could it be more perfect?
(except I'd like different counter-tops, most likely marble and get rid of the green and a new faucet)
and they said,"But what about all your pets?"
and I waved them on and said, "NO! not NOW!
I'd like it when I'm older, and I have all my bills paid and
it's just me and Poppy."
CRAP! I said it again!
I'd like it when I'm older, and I have all my bills paid and
it's just me and Poppy."
WTH?
I don't mean it. Really I don't!
and yet I now feel like something is going to reach out and smite me.
and once again.
I'm thinking of my mom.
5 comments:
It's not the end of the world to think like that :-) We all do from time to time but that doesn't mean we want all our pets to die :-) :-) :-) It just means that perhaps we in the future will have fewer pets so we actually can do at least some of those things we dream of.
I would love to travel around, perhaps visit some of my blogging friends all over the world and I actually think that when all dogs are gone I will save enough to travel around. That does certyainly not mean that I want them to die :-) I want them to live forever but since I know they won't so....
So don't feel awful for saying things like that! It's just that Your mind perhaps wants You to do other things in life as well and when You've done those things You can get more dogs and cats again. Well not if You're going to live in an all white home of course :-) :-) :-)
Have a great day my friend!
Christer.
Of course you don't mean it. You are just be realistic...Poppy is the youngest. But....no way will you ever have one dog. I really don't see that happening. That Poppy is a cutie!
I can not imagine you with only one dog...and there is something about a high rise with a pool and no grounds to care for..........but for now I see you in your sweet wonderful home with your four foot family members. Peace, Mary Helen Fernandez Stewart
I understand your feelings--it's never good to put something out there in the universe--but not to worry. All the other dogs heard was Wa-wa wa wa-wa wa wa-wa-wa.
I like how your kept circling back to your mother. It must have been really difficult to lose her at such a young age--TERRIBLE!!!--but it sounds like she made an impression in ways that will make you think of her your entire life. That's a pretty good gift.
I wouldn't worry about blabbing out your immediate feelings. The universe also hears the part where you regretted what was said. That carries as much weight as the initial statement. Humans are imperfect, and as long as you can have a dialogue with the Great Beyond, assume they understand and will put into context of your emotions at the time. At least that's how it works for me-like talking to a good friend who knows you. Knows well enough when to shrug some statements off.
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