and nothing has changed except my attitude!
In fact I've had some people who are doing their best to sabotage me...
They must have their reasons but instead of wasting my time trying to figure out exactly why,
I've just making sure that I dot my I's and cross my T's and
that's all I can really do anyway, so why let it nag at me and ruin my day.
Besides...
Now that I know that my life is changing,
I just don't care!
I'm excited and pumped!
I really haven't even done much work on ME yet,
but I'm feeling so much better.
Mostly this week I've thought about what "I" wanted and in DETAIL.
Sharon left a comment about thinking about it in detail
and before this I've had many MANY ideas but never a nailed down SURE thought.
I met my best friend for breakfast the other morning.
It's something we always try to do every other week.
It's something we always try to do every other week.
We have the greatest of talks
But now with my reinvention plan, I found I had bigger plans
than we have ever discussed.
And I realized that my past thoughts had always been smaller.
Kinda held down by what and how other people viewed me and how I viewed myself.
My friend has always been my biggest cheerleader
but I think I surprised her by wanting more than I ever had before.
In the past I felt kinda guilty about wanting too much.
I mean, I should be happy with what I have, it's more than many people have.
I have a job and shelter and food on the table.
She's always thought in terms of what seemed possible for me
given the fact that I don't have a high paying profession or a mate.
She's always encouraged me to think out of the box though,
but now I want to throw away the box!
And still, there's a part of me that thinks... How dare I.
Does this make sense?
It's like whenever I buy something, I'm always quick to tell everyone how I researched it to death
and what a deal I got on it, how it will better my life and be a wise decision in the long run.
It's like I feel guilty doing something nice for myself,
for treating myself well... like I don't deserve it.
Here's an example.
Last December I got rid of my van.
My best friend AND my sister both had told me that I should drive it into the ground
and to keep it as long as possible.
I initially agreed with them.
I mean why get another vehicle if the van still ran?
Who was I to want something better?
I should be happy to have a vehicle to get me form point A to B.
But here's the thing.
It was 10 years old and I had pretty much replaced every single thing on it except the transmission.
And... it was rusting out.
I had gone and bought this bonding agent stuff that I saw on the Internet and I sanded down the rust.
When I sanded down the big spot, a hole gave way.
I filled it in with that putty type bonding stuff and built it up.
I layered it and swirled it on like frosting and then sanded it smooth and primed it and sprayed it with paint.
Thank god it was White and I didn't have to worry about matching colors.
And it looked sorta OK.
If you didn't look right at the spot...
But I would drive that thing on the highway and feel unsafe.
It had a loud rattle and I felt like I was in a big tin pop can.
And... truth be told, when I walked out to it and looked at it, I hated it..
But my last van payment was November and I had visions of paying down bills.
I'd be stupid to get another vehicle.
On my lunch hour, I started researching cars though.
I had decided on two car makers.
Either a Toyota or a Honda.
Both seemed to last forever.
So whenever the different dealerships were closed,
I'd drive through the lots and look at the cars.
Finally, I decided I wanted a Honda.
Then I decided I wanted a Honda Civic.
Then I decided I wanted it to be Blue, or maybe Black or possible Red.
Then I decided on BLUE. not navy, not light blue, but BLUE.
I could see it in my mind, although I hadn't really seen it anywhere.
Then I decided I also wanted a sun/moon roof.
I had one in the car before the van and Blue always enjoyed sticking his head out of the top.
I didn't want NEW. That's not a good value. you lose money as soon as you drive off the lot.
The value takes a HUGE drop.
But I wanted low mileage because this car needed to last forever.
So I had the details down...
Then one day on my lunch break, I drove through a drive-through for lunch.
It was raining and trying to snow.
Slushy rain.
I placed my order and put my window back up but the rubber came away from the top of he window
and water started dripping in on me.
As I sat there, trying to shove the rubber back in place as I
got more cold and wet, when a voice in my head said
"You deserve better than this!"
When I got back to work, I sat down at my desk with my lunch and looked at the car dealerships online.
Another car had been added since the last time I looked.
A 2012 BLUE Honda Civic with sun/moonroof and under 22,000. miles.
It was at the dealership I had bought my van from many years ago.
The salesman still sent me monthly emails so I searched my old emails and answered the last one back.
Was he working that night?
He answered quickly, Yes! He was!
I quickly called my credit union so that I knew what the car was worth and what kind of loan I could get.
So, after work I test drove the blue car and also an Accord, just to compare.
The Civic had been just been turned in by a nurse who had it on lease.
Leased cars are required to maintained in compliance with the leasing terms.
The mileage was so low because she worked alot and never went anywhere or so the salesman told me.
The salesman actually knew her and had been the one to lease it to her originally.
He said she turned it in because the lease was up and she was getting another new vehicle to lease.
So I bought the Honda Civic
In that special blue color that I envisioned.
It's kinda pearlized.
When I walk up to my car now, I smile.
Yes, I have car payments but they are actually less than my van payments were.
I feel safe in that car and I have a 5 yr warranty that makes me feel secure.
Now I no longer mind driving.
I used to want to move closer to work because I hated driving the van
and although I still hate battling bridge traffic and construction, the car makes it bearable.
So there ya go.
Once again I feel the need to explain myself to anyone who comments on my car.
I couldn't just say to anyone that I wanted a better car.
How indulgent, frivolous, foolish and selfish of me.
Yep... I need to think better of myself.
I need to feel like I deserve it.
I need to do this, to open my heart up so that I can send it out to the Universe
and make my new life happen.
So...I guess the two biggest points that I'm trying to make here are
1. We deserve better, it's ok to want better.
