Blue

Blue went to Heaven last night.

He could no longer breathe normally.

It had become constant gasping.

I had my vet release him to the next world.

My heart is broken and my life will never be the same.

But I was blessed to have had him in my life for so long.

Yesterday he was eleven years, 6 months and 3 weeks old.

As as bad as this is,

And although my heart hurts so much,

I would do it all again.

A LONG POST TO LAST A LONG TIME.

I wrote a blog post at work while on my lunch hour.
It was a long one.
I read it over and corrected the spelling and tidied it up
but somehow it wasn't right.

I had tried to tell a story and tie it into how I was feeling.
To show some parallels to my story and that story.
It just wasn't working so I deleted it...

So, I'll try again, in a different way, here ya go.

I love blogging.
I love telling stories and sharing ideas and plans and dreams.
I love reading the comments and the friends who take the time to do so, take my breath away.

I love visiting other blogs.
I love the stories, the ideas, the thoughts and laughter and tears.
I sit down with my coffee or pop and read about and listen to other peoples lives.
It's like going to a cafe and "visiting".
But it's perfect for a hermit like me and oddly enough
I think we share things that we might not if we were face to face.
Blogging means a lot to me.

That being said, I have no time.
I've talked about that problem all the time.
Then the other day, someone who I view as indestructible
suddenly has to have surgery.
I'm sure it will all come out fine but still...
it made me think about TIME and what I'm doing with mine.

So I've decided to back away from the Internet a bit.
I'm not going to blog for a while.
I'm not sure how long but I need time.
I can't guarantee that I will comment on other blogs either
but I know that I will be reading posts on my phone when I can steal a few moments.

I'm going to back away from Facebook too
except for my Art page.
I will be on Instagram because it's easy.
I snap a photo and share.
You are welcome to visit me there
and if you have an account, please share!

What am I going to do with the TIME?
I'm going to work on my Art.
Create stuff and get to work and finally write/illustrate my books
that I have been talking about forever.

Speaking of Art-
I finished up 25 images and took them into the Art/Antique place that's going to sell them on commission.
She told me that she would put them out but didn't have time until the next day.
I said that was fine and then I mentioned I only had one that was really for Valentines Day.
I pulled it out and showed her and she started to laugh.
She said she loved it and set it on her front counter!
Then she pulled out another and set that on her counter too.
She pulled out yet another and burst out laughing and called over to a vendor to come look!
She said she loved them and I felt rather good.

I made up another batch and they are all hanging up at the clinic.
If you'd like to see them, I've posted them in 4 separate posts on my Art blog.
You can click the link to the right (on the bunny).

I met my friend for breakfast the other day and told her my plans.
How I was going to back away from the Internet a bit, so I could get some things done.
Work on my book and things.
I told her my name was still on the waiting list for the Antique and Collectibles Mall,
the place I had my booth before.
It's been about 8 months and still no call.
I told her how I needed to call and cancel but....
there was this part of me that still wanted to do it.
I have a LOT of STUFF that I still need to get rid of but...
I can still envision what all my booth could be.
And I had a lot of Art ideas for the booth too, but....
She shook her head and said -  "Yes, let the booth idea go!"

So today on my lunch hour as I'm typing out the now deleted blog post
and telling the story and then I got to the part about time and Art
and the booth and...

My cell phone rings.

It was the Antiques and Collectibles Mall.
They had an opening, was I still interested?

I gotta say, I mean that was a SIGN, right?
I mean Hello! The Universe calling!

So I said I was interested and I'd stop in tonight if I got off in time
otherwise I'd be by in the morning.
He said that was fine.

So then my evening worker showed up a half hour early and I was able to drive to Mall.
The guy was surprised I made it in and showed me two spaces that were available.
I was happy I had come right away rather than wait and maybe not get to pick.
As he walked me to the spaces
I told myself that the location and the "number" would be a sign for me.
Like, if it had the number 7 in it.
Weird, I know but...

So he showed me #17.
It wasn't far from my old booth space.
A very good location.
And it was one of the very few booth that had electricity.
He said only a couple of them had that.

The other booth was 41.
Actually it was the first booth in the place.
I told him I'd take 17. The one with the electricity.
I could see in my mind the lights strung across the top....

I had to sign a contract and he went over the details.
Obviously he didn't remember me.
He told me how the place was shopped by a lot of dealers.
How shopkeepers came in and bought for their own shops.
He said they had buyers from all over the country and people as far as Australia
and China have come in and loaded up containers to take back.

He said that traffic was good and unless it was priced too high,
most things sold.
I had images of things I wanted to make for the booth
flying through my head as he talked.

We went back to the counter and I had to pay first months rent
and get my tags.
I recognized the woman working.
She was actually the one who had taken over my old space.
But she didn't recognize me either.
Actually that happens to me often.
I think because I'm forever changing my hair and I think it was shorter and very blonde back then
and now it's to my shoulders and brown/grey.
Anyway, they were both talking to me and suddenly she said I looked kinda familiar.
Did I come in there often? she asked.

I said no...
I had a booth space there before.
They looked at me quizzically and I added -
"In fact you have my space now".
"What?" she asked and then she said -
"OMG you are the artist!"
and they both smiled really big and laughed.
I got to tell ya,  that made me feel so GOOD!

It was really nice to feel good.

So that's what's going on.
I'm kinda disappearing but not really.
I'll post on my Art blog sometimes,  but I will definitely be on Instagram.
I've started Following a lot of childrens book publishing houses
and authors and illustrators. (wink, wink)
And like I mentioned in a prior post,
alot of old blogger friends now are on Instagram.

So.......I'll wrap this up.
Just know that Blogland and the friends that I've made mean the world to me.
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

I leave you with two images.
The first is of Blue when he tummy has told him its dinner time and he turns to me and
gives me the "look".

The second one is him on his bed that's in the living room.
(He has a twin bed upstairs.)
He "almost" fits on it.

He's been doing well.
I just keep him super calm and he hasn't had another episode.
So.... Life is Good.

BUTTON 2003 - 2017

Do you remember my dog Button?

(this was taken after she recovered from the incident in 2010)

The little Shih-Tzu who jumped up and bit Blue as he tried to get a drink of water, 6 1/2 years ago? And how he grabbed her with his mouth for just a second
but her eyes popped out halfway and I had to call Doc and he put them back into her head?
One eye had to sewn shut for a while because it wouldn't stay in.
That eye never regained sight and eventually she lost vision in the other one too.
But she continued to try to bite everyone.
If someone came up while she was drinking or eating, she'd leap up at them.
If she walked up to a doggie bed and start to crawl in, she'd attack whatever little dog was already there.
If some dog brushed against her in passing she'd jump turn and be biting in the air.
Her aggressiveness just had gotten worse with her blindness.
Luckily most of the dogs just got out of her way when they saw her coming.
Well... except for my Ping, my toy poodle who was always ready to fight back.
But with me feeding her separately and kenneling her by herself when I left the house,
it's been manageable for the last 6 1/2 years.

Last night I was upstairs on the computer.
Blue was with me and a few of the other dogs when I heard a loud commotion in the living room.
I ran halfway down the stairs and looking through the banister,
the dogs just were frozen like guilty kids but it all appeared to be ok.
I went back upstairs and finished what I was working on and then came downstairs.
It had been about a half hour.
I got Button's eye drops out because her eyes don't really stay moist.
I picked her up to administer them when to my shock her "good" eye, not the bulging one, but the kinda normal one was almost out of her head.
Without going into more detail I'll just say there was blood and also a puncture wound on the side of her head by her ear.
(I'm calmly telling you this now but that wasn't the case last night.)
I took photos and messaged Doc about everything along with the pics.
I told him I thought it was time to let her go.
Unfortunately he could not meet me at the clinic but advised ice for 5 minutes every hour until the morning.
I did that and went through my stash of old pet medication.
Ironically I found pain meds for Button from her last dental procedure.
I gave her double the dose.
In the morning she was her usual spunky self, except for the gruesome eyeball.

I'm not really sure who let her have it.
I sort of suspect Nora as she was very nervous and hiding under the kitchen table but I can't be sure.
I suppose it could have been Jimmy, as he busily chewed on his bone in the middle of the room.
That would be just like him, to act like he had no part in it.

So, I took her into work and I told Doc that if felt like I was murdering her,
that I suppose I could have her eye removed.
He examined it and looked so sad.
He's never been one to easily put anyone down but he rubbed her head and said no,
it was time to let her go.
That removing her eye wouldn't change how she was.
So he let her go onto the next world, level, whatever you believe and
I cried even though I felt it was for the best.
She was 13, almost 14... next month.
I had her for 8 years.
The breeder was done with her when she hit five years of age and brought her to the clinic
and I took her home.
She was the prettiest little dog I had ever seen.
Black on top and white on the bottom and as cute as a Button, so I changed her name to Button.
I suppose she acted the way she did because of her first five years of life.
Anyway... that's what happened to Button.
Sorry to share this but I need to get this out of my head.
Not as a tribute but just to tell her story.

I really hoped to have this New Year be different from last
but once again we haven't made it through a month without losing someone.
Of course this span of time has been on the horizon.
It's to be expected when you have a house full of senior citizens.
Still...............

I've decided to take a blogging break for a little while.
Just to get well.
Physically and Mentally.
Thanks for always being there for me!
XOXOXOXOXOXOXO

FOCUS on What's IMPORTANT

Wow, I didn't realize how long it's been since I posted.
It's the New Year and almost a month is gone.
I've been struggling with some things.
I really think I'm one of those people who needs sunshine in order to remain positive.
I've been trying to remember to put it out there into THE UNIVERSE
and while it seems so easy to do, it's not always for me.
I forget.
So, I'm writing this to remind myself and others that our thoughts
can really have an effect on our lives.

I HAVE been thinking POSITIVE about my Blue.
He's been calm and so far, so good.
That's my focus... on him doing good each day.

Then there's Katy.
Her previous mom calls weekly.
I kinda wish she'd stop but I don't have the heart to tell her to do so.
In our last conversation, I was sick and tired, seems like I'm always sick and tired lately BUT
I told her that while Katy WAS using the potty pads as I had told her before,
she was also using a spot under the kitchen table and close to the hutch.
AND another spot in the living room by the bookcase.
Since Katy is teeny tiny,  it's just a small little circle.
Still, it's PEE and I told her previous mom that she was now wearing a doggie diaper.
(and I left out the part where I had bought some special cleaner for dog urine.)

Her "previous mom" instantly told me how she had been so surprised when I had told her how Katy used the potty pads and didn't pee in the house because Katy had peed in HER house!...............
.........................................................

yeah.

Then she offered to take her back.
She said that she missed her
and that it wasn't that she WANTED her back but
she felt bad about her peeing in my house.
I told her to let me think about it, that I'd let her know.
She said for me to not feel bad if I wanted to give her back
and the cash she had gifted to me, that I could keep that, not to worry.
I was again caught off guard and said I'd think about it and let her know.

So I thought about it and I cleaned the areas and then I had an idea.
I have a lot of doggy beds and I put a small one on each of the "spots".
I watched Katy walk up to them and look at them and then she'd crawl into them and go to sleep.
So far, that's worked.
But to be honest, her favorite spot is Blue's bed and then this happened -

Yeah, I can't give her back.

I posted this photo on Instagram.
I'm on Instagram a lot.
I highly recommend it.
Many of my Blogger friends who have quit blogging, post over there now.
I also posted ALL my dog/cat photos that I'm working on.
If you aren't familiar with Instagram, people will "LIKE" your photos.
AND of ALL my photos the one of Blue and Katy has gotten the most likes!
LOL!

So anyway, that's some of the things going on.
There's been some work things too.
Things I thought had been resolved but I'm still working on.
Let's just say, good help is hard to find.

And other annoying little crap that is NOTHING in the grand scheme of things
but has the capacity to drive a person insane.
House stuff.
Things wearing out and needing repairs and me trying to figure out how to do them.
I know everyone deals with this kind of stuff but it gets exhausting dealing with it on my own.
Whine, whine, whine.
But I'm grateful that I have a home and that I have access to the Internet and YouTube.
I swear there's a video about EVERYTHING on Youtube.
Still, when you have to go to the Hardware Store for the same damn issue 3 times,
it gets tiring.
Yep, I need some cheese for all this whining!

OK, so...
Art related...
The place where I had my Art before and now will take my stuff on a commissioned basis,
is excited about my new stuff.
(I sent her a message and a link to my Instagram.)
I'm also doing the same ones for the clinic and I actually got my business cards made.
I'm currently working on larger prints with quotes.
So I'll do those up and put them at the clinic and then... forget about them.
Just replenish as needed.

Soon I will start on my dog/cat/horse stuffed animals
and I'll work on my house that seems to have decided to fall apart all at once.
AND in my lunacy, I'm going to work on packaging my Catmint that I have.
I'm thinking I can sell that at the clinic.

And maybe put it in an Etsy shop along with other cat related stuff.... maybe.

A Blogger friend sent me an email a while back about my passion, my purpose in life.
She didn't think my Art was my REAL passion but rather my taking in needy animals.
Rescuing.
She said something along the lines of how THAT was my purpose and
how everything else is extra.
I've thought about this for a long time.
How all my Art is animal related.
How the stuffed animals I want to make, how they will be made to look like little rescues.
How the books I want to write, about Kanga, and Jimmy and of course Blue,
are all about animals that someone at some point didn't want and how they are PERFECT.

Yep. I've been thinking a lot about just enjoying life
and not to stress so much and to stop being sick all the time.
(I'm sick again as I write this!)
Yep. Lots of thoughts.
Just trying to get my head on straight and keep it that way
and just dealing with life.

So... How has your first month gone?
How are YOU doing?
I know we need to have faith and focus on the GOOD and focus it into being.
I'm trying to do that with my small little life.
Focus on the things I can control and not let what I can't control overwhelm me.

and I'll just keep trying to be true to Myself and do what I feel I need to do.
Even if others don't understand.

ROAR

The other day I scheduled a meeting for my boarding staff.
We've never had a meeting with all the boarding staff and to make it possible for everyone to attend, it had to be scheduled for the end of the day.
That would make for a very long day and it would be really pushing it to expect all my dogs to "hold it".
Most of them are elderly and it's harder for them and I always leave down potty pads just in case they can't wait.
They are used to this but the only one who would refuse to use a potty pad is Blue.

That's a good thing I guess because I don't really want him going in the house!
So since I would be gone so long, I decided to take him to work with me.

I used to take him and Nora and Jimmy all the time but the last year or more, I haven't.
They seem to enjoy just sleeping the day away at home.

The last time Blue was at the clinic was when he had swallowed the sock and needed surgery.

Blue hates to have me trim his nails so I just don't.
Instead either Lily will stop by the house and do it or I take him to the clinic.
When other people do it, he gets excited and loves the attention.
With me, he'll "hide" under the kitchen table and grumble.

So I asked the girls to trim his nails and Lily and one of the other techs came back to boarding to do so.
He was so excited as he came out of the run and then he started to make a noise I have never heard before.
It was hoarse and gasping and his lower chest/tummy were sucking in and out in big extreme movements.

We rushed him up front and one of the vets hurried over to him and watched him and then put his hands on him. Finally the vet said it was his throat area.
We got Blue to calm down and his breathing got better.
The vet said to wait with the nail trim and let him calm down.
I took him back to my office area and laid a blanket out and he finally slept.

I went up front and the vet said that he thought it was Larnygeal Paralysis

If you click on that link it will detail it for you
and also here is more info - HERE

The vet said to Google it and I could find info on it about the causes and see video's of the operation that could be done to correct it.
He said to be 100% positive that Blue had this, he'd need to be heavily sedated and....
if he had it, he'd need an exceptional surgeon to do the surgery.

While this was going on, Doc was attending to his appointments.
I tend to go to Doc but he was busy.
Doc prides himself as exceptional but I don't remember him ever doing such a surgery.

And... Blue is a 11 year and 2 month old Great Dane.

So later, they girls came back and very calmly trimmed Blue's nails and everything was fine.

I moved Blue back to a run and then later, we had our meeting and he just slept.
After the meeting, everyone except my worker that I call "Mini-Me" was left and the clinic was closed and the rest of the staff was gone too.
I went back to get him and he got up and saw the leash and then he saw Mini-Me and got really excited and started gasping for air like crazy.
I thought his tongue was turning a bit blue but no one was there and also I know they'd just tell me to calm him down.
I loaded him up in my car and by the time we were a block away, he seemed fine again.

This got me to thinking, how in the mornings he'll come inside from his morning potty and make gagging noises.
I'm always annoyed because I assumed he ate a piece of poop.
I've caught some of the  dogs trying to each others poop and unless I stand at the door, someone will try. But with it being so cold and dark in the mornings, I can't always see what's going on while they are out there doing their business.

Now I'm thinking it was just his throat.
His excitement of waking up and rushing outside with the others.

So I Googled the Hell out of this condition
and read everything and then the next day at work as the vet was leaving to go to lunch
I stopped him and gave him an update.
He said there's a drug that might help with the inflammation and so I said I'd ask the techs to get me some and then he walked out the door.

Doc was also standing in the lunchroom. I felt kinda odd because I usually go to him but the other vet was there when it all happened so... I went to him.
I looked at Doc and said - "I read that if he doesn't get the operation, it could kill him"
and Doc, who is always game for surgery rubbed his face for a moment.
Then he said "And the operation could kill him too."

I said that "I'll just keep him calm and he'll be fine."
Doc pursed he lips and said nothing and I walked away to get the medication.

My friend the vet tech looked up Blue's account and I told her I already had Blue on Metacam and Dasuquin.
A few weeks back he had fallen down 3 times in a week.
It was always as he came to the bottom of the stairs or when he hurried around the corner.
The Dasuquin is a supplement and the Metacam is for pain and inflammation.
Since he's been taking these, he hasn't fallen again.
But Doc said if he was on Metacam, we didn't want to put him on the other drug.

Then this Saturday, the woman vet worked.
She asked about Blue and we talked a bit and she's going to do some more research.
She stopped by boarding as she was leaving and asked me to record what he does and what he sounds like on my phone, if he does it again at home.

So far this weekend, he's been pretty good.
Just random gagging noises.
But Saturday night he wouldn't eat his supper and just came over to my chair and laid his face on my lap.
I just stroked his face and tried not to cry.
I guess it's a blessing he can't hear, that his deafness could help keep him calm.
When the other dogs hear something and start barking, most of the time he's oblivious to the commotion.

Luckily he ate his breakfast like normal this morning
and now he sleeps.

I thought about how he always did that ROAR of a bark
and how that could have been a symptom of what was coming.
The research said that most people don't realize what's going on until it's progressed.

I oddly thought about my Dad.
I thought about how so many years ago he stopped by my house
and we were sitting there chatting when he suddenly pulled at his shirt and said
"Oh! Look what I got!"
I saw a patch on his chest and he said it was a nitroglycerin patch.
I started to cry and he said "No! It's a good thing" but I remember thinking how it wasn't.
How that patch told me he wouldn't be around forever.
Some people might think it's wrong to think of my dad while thinking of my dog.
But, I don't care.
My relationship with my Dad and animals is very intertwined and complicated.
So to me, it makes perfect sense.

On Monday, Dr. H, the woman vet will tell me what she thinks and what ideas she has for medication.
I will treasure every day and hopefully it is something that can be managed for a long time.

I wish I didn't love Blue so much.

Thoughts about Art and RETIREMENT plans.

So...
I had last weekend off.
I didn't have to leave the house except for one time and
I was gone for less than 2 hours.
the rest of the time I worked on my paintings and thought.

I had sketched out my illustrations
and then outlined them in a thick black archival permanent marker.
I have a hard time outlining with acrylic paint as I am never able to
maintain an even thickness.
Some may say that shouldn't matter but I want a consistent line
and it bothers me to no end if it isn't.

I didn't mind that part
but then I had to fill in the background and use a very small angled brush to
get in the nooks and grannies.
Afterwards I could see all the brush strokes and I had to apply another coat.

I spent most of the weekend doing this.
I've finished that but now I need to go back and paint in the dogs and cats.

I had the TV going, listening/watching a "Blue Bloods" marathon
and thought about how some day I would be retired and could just stay home
and do this everyday and I thought -
I don't want to do this.
Maybe I'm fickle or just plain lazy but
I was so sick of painting.

I will reveal that I came up with the idea of do these paintings on my own,
for my work area.
I could envision big colorful paintings on the walls at work
and I was excited at the thought
but now I was tired and bored.

I came to the realization that I prefer to draw small and use my Inktense pencils.
A friend who paints large told me next time to paint the whole background and go over it.
so I will try that and maybe that would be better.

But I thought about a lot of things.
So many things that I will have to break into different blog topics,
but for now it's about my Art and trying to figure out what I enjoy and also
what I can make money from because I will need to make some money when I'm retired.

I thought about what I WANT to create.
What could I create and work on and enjoy doing so over and over?

Now I know that ANYTHING will get old
and need to have a new twist to it to keep it fresh and interesting.
But I was feeling bummed because I had just started doing these big paintings.

I must admit that I was getting depressed and just felt like going to bed.
Maybe it's the COLD weather
but I just want to snuggle up with the dogs

 (and my cat Ghost)

 and sleep.

Monday at work,  I kept thinking about what I wanted to do in retirement.
I thought about the big paintings again.
A couple of my friends at work said the paintings would be AWESOME.
That was really nice to hear but it didn't change my feelings about any of it.
Then I thought hard about what I'd do if money was no object,
if I could just create because I wanted to.

I guess that's everyone's dream, to just do what you want to do.

But I need to get my head  together and make stuff for NOW
and not worry about retirement.

So I decided to take a real short break and work on something else.
I worked on some of the photos I've taken of my boarders.
I altered them and added some quotes.
I'm going to print these up and affix them to 4x4 block canvases like I've done before.
I'm hoping that these will sell at the clinic.
I'm thinking maybe the quotes will make more marketable.
Maybe I'll make them into magnets too?!

And I'll continue doing some seasonal small things,
little illustrations and banners and things.

Eventually I'll get to work on the dogs and cats doll/toys
that I mentioned in a few posts back
AND the ever elusive book(s) that I want to write.

Yep. maybe it's the weather.
The cold and lack of sunshine.
I think a lot of people might be feeling the same.
Do you feel like that too?
Come on Spring!

I'll share some of my photography that I worked on,
altered and cleaned up a bit and added text.
If you Follow me on Instagram, You've probably seen these
and I'm still posting more everyday....

2017 so far.....

Just a quick check in.
This weekend I hope to catch up on my blog reading.
Sorry if I've been absent but I will stop by ASAP.

This first week of the New Year started out very busy
and now is slowing down at work.

I hate to even admit this but the week has not been so great.
I have had to deal with a couple of ISSUES at work that have made me upset.
Things I can't talk about because this is the Internet.
I had hoped that 2017 would have less DRAMA but alas...
Haters gonna hate.

Luckily for me, Doc had my back both times so that made it much easier to deal with.
I found this quote and it helps me to deal -

(source)

Then mid-week, someone in my extended family suddenly passed away.
It's very sad and shocking and...
also something I can't talk about.

I refuse to let this affect my expectations for 2017.
Hopefully this is it for the NEW Year
and all the bad/sad is out of the way.

I'm trying to finish up a "project" that I will reveal soon.
Here's a sneak peek of the WIP's -

Then I'll be doing the Valentines stuff.
Little painted fabric cats.
Some illustrations
and BANNERS! LOL!
(Because Sugar wants banners.)

Yep.

In other news,
Jimmy Chew, the hipster dog.
Trendsetter.
Has been sporting a new style.
A combination Mohawk/Goatee.

Jury is still out on this one.