"Laugh, and the world laughs with you; cry, and you cry alone."

Or maybe not.

I hate to cry at work.

First, it's unprofessional.

But maybe that just applies to the type of previous careers that I've had. 

Like in Banking and Retail.

I have cried so many times at my current job that if anyone was counting, they have long given up.

But THAT type of crying was over losing my pets which sadly happens all too frequently when you rescue the elderly and/or disabled.

and then I cry over pets that seem like my own pets to me because I have boarded them so often, when they've passed too.

And I cry when I'm comforting owners (I even hug them although I definitely NOT a hugger) as I share their grief.

and sometimes I cry over a sad heartbreaking story told to me at work

or when I glimpse a pet that reminds me of a lost loved one.

OK, so I cry.

It's not like it's on a daily basis, although sometimes it does seem like it.

So last Saturday I went to my sisters home to visit with my oldest niece Grace before she leaves town.

She's moving to Wisconsin. She doesn't have a job but is confident that she will find one.

We sat on the sofa and she shared photos of her trip to England with me.

She's just returned from an artist workshop that she said was like a big fun artsy sleepover.

It was held at a friends home who she met when she went to France a couple of years ago

for a Masters Class with the Frouds that was held at a Castle.

Yep, a Castle.

I'm so happy for her. She is so talented and so beautiful.

(this is her own design she did for a tattoo for a friend)

Beautiful in that no make-up, wise old soul, twenty-four year old way.

If I didn't love her so much, I'd be jealous but instead I'm happy. 

Happy for her although a tad bit wistful.

On Sunday I was working on my paintings and I got up and walked around and cried.

Blue just laid in his chair and looked at me with his sad eyes 

and Nora came and pressed the tip of her tongue on me

and Jimmy crawled into my lap

and I cried some more.

Some of the little dogs stopped their playing and stared at me and some just ignored me, but little Louie started trembling.

"It's OK Louie," I picked him and pressed his face to my cheek.

I let everyone outside and let the cool Fall air whip my hair around, trying to clear my head

and then we all came back inside.

I walked to the table and looked down at the paintings.

I didn't feel like doing them.

Aren't artists supposed to want to spend every waking and stolen moment creating?

Just craving the chance to make Art?

I went to Etsy, to see what others are doing. I was hoping for inspiration

and I found several  artists that are very similar to my more realistic style.

So much for inspiration.

I went to blogs and read for awhile and watched stuff on Youtube.

I got off the computer and started scribbling out a drawing of me and the dogs in my van.

I put it on Facebook because I thought the image of Nora barking in the back of the van would make people I know laugh.

I really enjoy my more cartoonish style.

Maybe I'll just try to focus on that a bit more.

So all is good. Right?

So why am I still crying?

Monday I'm at work and the Office Manager came back to talk about the boarding schedule but stopped and asked if I'm OK.

I replied that "I'm fine"

"Really?" she asked and I nodded rigorously as I leaned into a cat cage and pet one of my boarders.

She stared and I replied.

"It's not work related"

She continued to stand there, looking at me

and I started crying.

source

"I love my pets and if I have to work someplace, I'm glad that I'm working with animals and"  I paused and blurted out

"I was home painting this weekend and hating it! All I do is just work on my house or paint or take care of critters and I don't ever do anything else...."

I was really crying now

and so was she.

She said "I know  exactly how you feel! I feel the same way."

We were both just standing there and blubbering and then Lily walked in.

"Why is everyone crying?"

"It's nothing" I sniffed and then I read her thoughts'

"It's nothing concerning any of the animals, it's just about... being Sad".

"Oh, ok" she replied and walked off.

On Monday Grace arrived in Wisconsin and on Tuesday she text me that she had found a job.

She's going to be working in a little shop and teaching beginners, Art.

She's excited and I told her how cool that was and how happy I am for her.

I then text her that I wish I could do a "freaky Friday" with her and have her change places with me for a little while.

She responded that she would if she could but while we were switched, she would be quitting my job.

Then she added, "Be prepared to cry a lot and be super sensitive"

and I "LOL!" her back and told her "And YOU be prepared to cry a lot and be sensitive about everything too".

We text a bit more and I know she'll be fine.

I'm sure she's just sad about being away from home and not sure what the future holds for her

Later that evening I talked with someone else who told me that all they do lately is cry.

She can't seem to figure out where her life is headed or what career to go for or if she should move. 

I tried to be supportive and listen.

Sometimes people just need other people to listen.

I hung up and thought - What the Hell is going on!?

This morning I met my best friend for breakfast.

We meet at 6:30 before I go to work.

She always cheers me up and motivates me.

She told me of her job promotion, something she has been working very hard towards.

It will require a lot of overtime but that will enable her to drop her part-time job.

She has wanted this so badly.

She has also been commissioned to decorate a restaurant.

She's already done several mini-mansion homes and also the kitchen set on a local TV show.

She's just celebrated a big wedding anniversary and we gasp at how the years have flown.

We talked about how we always said that we dreamed of someday just staying home and painting.

That reminded her that she had some pastel artist pencils for me.

She didn't use them anymore and thought it might be something different for me to try.

I tell her about my weekend and she urged me to do the more cartoonish illustrated work.

She said that I seem to enjoy that more.

I nodded my head and then laughed and said. "All I seem to enjoy anymore is Blogging about it. Not actually DOING it".

We walked out of the breakfast place and it was raining.

We started to say good-bye before dashing for our cars when

she looked kinda sad for a moment and said

"Jeez, I used to say I can't wait to retire and just stay home and paint and now I don't know what I want to do"

I smiled at her and said "I know"

and tried not to cry as I ran for my car.

I'm sure that I'm feeling like this because the seasons have changed

or that I'm not getting enough sleep because the dogs don't realize that daylight savings is over

and they still get up at the hour that they are used to, which cuts an hour off my already too few hours of sleep.

I'm sure that I will snap out of this and I wasn't even going to blog about it but...

I got to thinking that with all these people in my life, feeling like crying...

well, if there is anyone out there feeling like that too, 

just know that that you are not crying alone.

We have just hit a "sad" patch and a bad day or week doesn't mean a bad life.

xoxo

S A D

First thank you, thank you VERY VERY MUCH for all the kind and caring comments.

I thought I was prepared for Griffin's passing, given his advanced age and recent health scares.

but NO.

I felt overwhelmed by sadness...

Sad over his loss and apparently still

S.A.D.

that Seasonal Affective Disorder thing I had mentioned before.

I had to work everyday this week, including yesterday morning so I've been mentally and physically exhausted.

This week one of my boarders, a little beagle, who has gallstones, stopped eating and turned very lethargic. Surgery would be needed and there were no guarantees on the outcome. The owners felt that at her age, surgery was not an option.

So they had decided to let her go.

Apparently they called and told the girls up front that they were bringing her in but they wanted her to think she was going to boarding.

They said they couldn't bear to stay but they didn't want her to be scared.

They wanted me to come get her and sit with her instead.

So I did.

When they arrived I walked up to them and scooped her into my arms, I didn't even try to stop the tears streaming down my face.

I just didn't have it in me.

The girls went into the Comfort Room with me and everyone stroked her body and gave her kisses as she was given a shot to make her sleepy.

I held her as she fell to sleep and was given the final injection that sent her to Heaven.

Yep, it's been one big party around here lately.

It's made me question if I should continue working at the clinic but then I thought of other employment that I've had.

Where else could I go back to my desk after my own personal loss of Griffin and sob as I held one of my cats?

Where else could I sit and comfort and be strong for someone else's pet that was in need of someone who really cared about them.

Yep, my heart has had a work out this week. But I will stay as I continue to work on a career creating Art.

So... I've been doing pretty well except for the other night when I went into the dark laundry room to grab a load out of the dryer. Out of the corner of my eye I thought I saw Griffin laying in his bed. It was just a dog towel that I forgotten that I had tucked into it.

I started to cry again and when I walked into the living room, Blue was sitting up on his loveseat.

I picked up the camera, could he be feeling my sadness?

Was he feeling sympathy, empathy.

I know he didn't care about Griff. I doubt he even noticed him much.

But I FELT some energy coming from him and had to go sit with him and hold his big head against me.

I'm not surprised. Blue has so many times reflected my thoughts.
 

Yesterday morning as I mentioned before, I worked and then my sister and my youngest niece Lily and I went to an early movie.

A movie that I really wanted to see "Life of Pi".

I stopped at their house so we could all drive together and Lily handed me a wad of Kleenex as we headed for the door.

She said "Just in case".

What a visually beautiful movie. It's definitely one that needs to be seen on the big screen.

It leaves you to decide what really happened and I believe that I know but...
I won't spoil it here.

Anyway. Beautiful movie.

I came home, fed the dogs and fell to sleep on the sofa, something I never do. I woke covered in little dogs and got up and let everyone out for the last night time potty and then went upstairs to bed and slept more.

I can't believe I slept that much.

In the morning I noticed in the bathroom (which is currently crowded with container plants and flowers that didn't die outside) that a Gerber Daisy had bloomed!

I went downstairs and the strong sunlight on the snow was brightly shining in through the white curtains.

I made some coffee and started arranging furniture.

I do that often.

I sat down and wrote out on index cards the different areas of my life that need tending.

To help me focus and to kick this SAD crap in the teeth.

(I will share those in another post)

I got on the computer, which sits on my desk behind the loveseat and started surfing and then writing.

Blue raised his head from his usual spot and looked up at me.

"I'm OK, Blue. Don't worry. I'm fine"

and he laid his head and started his Sunday nap.

Yep. I'm fine.

and once again THANK YOU all so much for being there for me.

XOXO