WHEW! I'M GLAD THAT'S OVER!

I must admit, I've been in a funk.

I suppose the fact that I didn't sell much at the Horse Expo
AND I haven't sold anything at the Art/Antique place, didn't help.
What was really getting to me though was, how I was living my life.

It was getting to me, working at the kennel, taking care of all the pets
and doing through the same thing each morning and evening at home.
In between I had spent every moment working on my Art for these 2 places
and then I suddenly felt as though I had taken 3 big leaps forward
and then slipped off the path and was stuck in the mud.

I try to be optimist and I know I have so many friends out there urging me on
to keep going
but suddenly I just wanted to come home and do nothing.
I wanted to unplug and relax.
I mostly stayed off Facebook and Instagram except to idly thumb through images on my phone.

I felt like my life was just repetition and not fun.

There are a few positives that happened.
There is a new woman veterinarian at the clinic.
I actually know her,  not very well, but she was at the first clinic that I worked at.
I worked very early mornings then and she would be coming in as I was leaving.
I'm not sure if she remembers me or not.
Right now she's taking over all of Doc's surgeries except the bone ones.
He said that he brought her in as part of his plan to scale back.
He wants to just attend to his long time clients who request him
and of course all of his clients that need chiropractic adjustments
and ultimately just do chiropractic care
but he said he's not going anywhere for a while.
I made the comment the other day to my vet tech friend that I plan on Blue being around for another 20 years and he turned and said he wouldn't be around THAT long (he's Blue's vet) and that he'd be retired by then... (Doc is 2 1/2 years older than I).

And talking about age.
I've hired a new boarding person because one of my workers will be graduating soon from college and moving to Portland, Oregon.
I think everyone was very surprised as to who I hired.
Before I hired him, I told Doc that I had an applicant who the girls said was OLD.
I said that he wasn't old and then I told Doc the year that the applicant had graduated High School.
Doc was startled and said that was the year HE graduated and I said,
Yeah! See he's not old!
Truth be told, they might be the same age but if you put them next to each other, you would never guess it.
Doc looks many years younger but I think he has a young mind frame and that makes a big difference.
SO I hired a man who's older.
He's still working full-time and he has a cat that he loves to talk about but he said he needed to fill his off time and and he misses having a dog
and he has a work ethic.
My niece was worried about a man doing the job, because sometimes men can be a bit rough or harsh with animals but one day as she was leaving work she spied him through the window and saw him playing with one of the cats with a toy and then he stopped and hugged the cat and then went on his way to the dog kennels.
Lily called me right afterwards and said she liked that guy.
So there's that.
Although once the college girl leaves, I'll be working 6 days a week... at least for a while.

So all this good stuff and I was still dragging my feet.
I started devising alternative career plans.
I thought about caring for dogs in my home, just smaller dogs
and marketing the fact that they would be in a home environment.
Then I realized I have a full plate right now, several are elderly and
then there's Blue.

So I discarded that idea.... at least for now. Maybe as a side job in retirement, but not NOW.

Then I decided to open a Cat Cafe.
A place where I'd serve, coffee and teas.
Smoothies and tasty treats.
I'd have big comfy chair where people could lounge and read or work on their laptops.
And there would be cats.
Sweet sociable cats, Cats to relieve stress and comfort.
Maybe a big screen in the back area and big floor cushions to lay on and have movie nights....
But after talking with my sister about all the expenses to furnish the place, the rent, the little kids that would want to come in and run after the cats and...
Yep, nixed that idea too.

I did have a great talk with my sister though.
We had met for our monthly breakfast get-together at my favorite family-owned breakfast joint.
I wish we could do that more often.
Afterwards I drove her by a house in the neighborhood we grew up in.
It's for sale and needs A LOT of work but sits on an acre of land.
On either side of it, sits big gorgeous homes and the property taxes would probably be at least 5K a year.
Yep, out of the question.
Then we drove by a house that I've always loved and is now for sale.
It's only four blocks down and one block over from me.
I said to her that I would probably be stupid to move so close to where I live right now.
She didn't think it was dumb, not if I was moving to something better.
So, anyway-
The house is small with a little breezeway going to the attached garage and a nice level backyard.
Usually my sister is pretty bland in her responses about houses I find but she loved this one.
She said that if there was an Open House the next day (Sunday) she would go with me!
She NEVER wants to go to Open Houses.
So I went home and looked it up and found that it was "Sale Pending".
Sigh, Oh well.... it's not like my own home to sale ready.
It needs many many repairs and major de-cluttering.

So... I went to the library.
I checked out a bunch of children's books and poured over the illustrations.
Suddenly I wanted to start drawing again.
I'm going to re-write my Kanga book and making it less wordy.
But I've got clear ideas in my head about it.

I'm then going to start on my Blue book(s).
One for any age and also a series for kids about some of his adventures.
And I can see it in my head!
I'm dropping my altered photos and moving forward on the illustrations.
I'm working on simple little cards and prints and putting them for sale on my blog
and Etsy.

I ordered a couple of books off of Amazon about
non-traditional retirement ideas and also about de-cluttering and why a person accumulates so much in the first place and can't let stuff go.

Then the weather turned and it suddenly was nice outside.
I worked outside for a bit and finally was able to breathe.
Literally and figuratively.
I had forgotten how much I missed working outside, it's garden therapy.
I texted my sister that maybe I'll grow and sell cut flowers!!!
She didn't respond but I think I wear her out with my grand schemes and ideas.
She's probably just waiting to see if I change my mind again!
But whatever!
At least I'm full of ideas and motivated again!

SHAKING IT OFF

Um, yeah I'm still here. Sorry that I haven't been posting much but....

I've been....

Depressed.

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I hate to use the word but I can't think of anything else to describe my feelings.
I hate it.
I've tried to think about my favorites things.
I've tried to think about all that I'm grateful for.
I mean, who am I to be depressed?!

There are so many people in this world who have it so much worse than I.
I need to work on my Art.
Art Saves, right?

But I couldn't even think, to focus, let alone think creatively.
And writing?
How can I "write" when I can't even write a blog post?
I came home at night and did - nothing.
Truly, nothing except feed and pick up after my pets and do laundry and then... 
Nothing.
A week ago Tuesday, after our staff meeting I went back to my boarding area and cried 
and cried. I was on the verge of hysteria but then I had to run a dog up front 
and then bring back a couple and then I had two different people who stopped by 
to visit with some of the long term boarders. 
I was gulping in air and splashing cold water on my wrists and pressed cold paper towels to the back of my neck.

Then I stepped outside and took in a deep breath of air and pretended to be OK.
Meryl Streep watch out!

That night I came home, let the dogs out to potty and let them back in and sat down in my big chair

and fell asleep for two hours with my coat and shoes on.

I hadn't even fed the dogs yet!

Sigh.

It's best that I not discuss the exact source of my angst but .....
Maybe I'm too emotional and sensitive.

Maybe I should just not give a shit.

Maybe I need more SUNLIGHT.

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No...it's more than that...

And yes, I have friends, both here and in the blog world who are there for me

to encourage me and tell me to
"Work on your book!"

But I was feeling beaten down and trivialized which left me

void of the ability to do anything more than exist.

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There's a whole lot that I'm leaving out, but I must.

It's not that I'm trying to be mysterious.

I just trying to convey why my head and heart has been so messed up without actually giving the details.

Those of you that have been here for a while most likely can fill in the blanks anyway...

So there's where I've been

STUCK

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and also two of my longtime boarding dogs,

dogs that I've taken care of for YEARS

passed away this month....so yeah, there was that too.

But I must say, Thank god for friends and the Internet

It  really helps my heart to read blog posts and escape from my own little part of the world.

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I was finally able to shake it off a bit last weekend and focus a tiny bit on my Kanga book

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I have it all roughly sketched out and I had someone who is an English teacher and

who wants to write her own book about grammar and punctuation, go over what I had written.
I chewed on my pinky nail and paced behind her.

I stopped each time when she uttered an "Ohhh, that's sweet".
She said she really liked my story and she only had to add a few commas. 

That made me so bold as to share some of my ideas about my illustrations and said she thought they sounded "cool".
That helped my psyche some.

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and then I got some nudges from a dear friend that I have never met and

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I worked on it some more.

I've been trying to be upbeat and focused

and then one of my close friends had one of her dogs have a major health emergency.

It's still not certain how things will go, it's kinda of a wait and see and pray thing.

So I need to be grateful for the health of my gang

and not let people wound me so deeply and not worry so much. 

Then today I had breakfast with my very bestest of friends.

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She is like a sister to me and her eyes filled with tears to hear how down I've been.

We talked about so many things and she knows me so well.

She helped me figure out what to let go,

what not to pursue and

what to pursue with all my heart.

She had just returned from a big buying trip at the Atlanta Home, Gift, Apparel Trade show

and she said as she was being shown things by vendors she kept thinking of me.

She said it reminded her of my work and she wished she was buying my creations.

So I asked her if she thought I should make this or that or....

She interrupted and said she thought I should create whatever made me happy.

Then told her that I think I know what was blocking me from finishing this book.

I think it's because I so badly want this to be the answer to my problems

and if I finish it and then it flops ....well, there goes what could be,

my only hope.

She just smiled and said "You can do it".

I told her that I have blogger friends that have been encouraging me and have faith in me

and several co-workers have been cheering me on and she said

"You can do it"

and damn it, I will!

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