Monday, May 27, 2013


I've been sick.
Yeah, long nice holiday weekend and
I am super dizzy and all my joints ache.
I went home sick from work on Thursday and then again on Friday 
I was only there for about a half hour on Friday and I was in tears.
I get that way. I would say that I don't know why but I do.
But I won't bore you with my childhood memories
except to say it's stressful on a kid when they are not allowed to be ill.
So, I left Friday and drove home slowly.
Sort of thought I might actually pass out.
Of course there's so much road construction that it took me longer than usual and then of course I have to go over the bridge.
There are actually 3 bridges that go from Iowa back to Illinois
and each tend to have some elaborate ordeal involved while trying to get to them or over them.
Did you read about that bridge that just collapsed?
Cars plummeting into the water and yet the people survived.
What a miracle.

I think I was actually getting sick on Wednesday but at the time, thought it was something else.
I along with many many people got caught in a major traffic jam on Wednesday,
trying to get over the BIGGEST longest bridge.
I had crossed the it into Iowa to met a friend for breakfast earlier and as I approached the Interstate to go back home I saw the back-up, so I turned around.
I could see it extending back onto the Interstate for what look looked like Infinity.
So I didn't go up the ramp and instead went to Target and wondered around for more than an hour.
Then I started not feeling so good. I thought that the traffic jam should have been resolved by then, so I left and took the Interstate.
Big mistake. 
As I approached the backed up cars I could see a semi roaring up behind me.
I switched to the left lane and I could see the semi not braking in time and switching over to the side of the road where he thundered to a dusty stop...
Luckily no one was over there.
So I sat in my van, stared straight ahead and inched along.
 Did I ever mention that I'm claustrophobic?
It only affects me if I am in a situation where I can't move or the space is too small.
Like a sleeping bag. Or a crowded elevator or once when I climbed up on the top bunk of a bunk bed and the ceiling was right THERE.
Yeah, couldn't breathe.
But sitting in traffic, I mean I could handle that although I am a very impatient person.
It was a nice weather day. Not hot or cold, a light breeze.
I lowered the windows and leaned my head back against the headrest and took deep breaths.
Breathe in deep, hold it and exhale slowly and fully.
I could see the woman in the car ahead of me in her side mirror. Her forehead supported by her hand.
I wanted to yell out to her "BREATHE!"
In my rear-view I saw a man get out of his truck and walk into the ditch and look at the tall grass.
Pretty soon he got back into his truck and then I watched as he bumped and bounced down the ditch and back up and off in the opposite direction.
He probably was going to go back to the last exit and take River Drive down to the Government bridge.
But River Drive is full of construction and he probably would be just as well to wait here.
I flipped radio channels to find some soothing music.
Finally I settled on some happy Pop music and lean my head back and thought of a friend of mine who has anxiety issues.
She can't even go across a bridge. She's terrified. If you want to see her, you have to meet her in Iowa. She won't travel across to Illinois.
She has told me that she feels safe in Iowa, she can breath easy in Iowa.
I told her that I feel that way when I finally back in Illinois.
I get across the bridge and I'm home.
So I'm listening to music, feeling pretty good, given the situation when I started to think about "The Walking Dead".
Have you seen that TV series?
I thought it sounded so stupid. My youngest niece Lily is addicted to it and insisted that I rent the DVD's and "just check it out".
So I did, and I hate to admit it but... yeah, I'm addicted too.
Sure, it's gory but if you have ever watched any of the CSI TV shows, you can handle it.
Or turn your head away as the zombies eat people.
So I'm sitting there trying to be all Zen-like and pushing the images of Zombies walking down the jammed Interstate and attacking people.
Actually THAT thought made me laugh at myself.
I mean come on, there are no Zombies.
So I told myself that all was good, 
So much time had already passed and my biggest problem was that my gasoline was being eaten up while I inched along.
And then I heard it.
I was a cry.  A squeal.
I sat up straight and turned down the radio.
I looked around and squinted my eyes. Then I heard the cry again.
Two cars ahead of me was a huge semi with a ladder ramp on the left hand back side and...
to the right side were vents.
Oh NO! please no!
Pretty soon the semi switched over to the right lane that was moving slower than the left.
It was like a slow motion nightmare for me, as my lane slowly moved up and I was about even with the semi.
I looked down at the ditch to my left, no. My van wouldn't make it.
And then there is was, even with me.
I couldn't look and yet, I had to.
At first, I saw pink bodies pressed tight together. Just their backs
and then I saw his face.
Pigs have the intelligence of a three year old child.
I know there are subjects that are best not brought up on blogs.
Things like religion, politics and...
but his eyes ripped into my heart.
I don't eat pork. I haven't for a long time, ever since I found how intelligent they are.
Oh, I'm no saint. I still eat chicken and fish. I'm a hypocrite. 
But this to me, was worse than any Zombie attack.
Finally my van was past the pig semi and yes, I had the fleeting thought of jumping out and pulling down the ladder and....
then what? freeing them to be killed in traffic? or just add to their terrifying trauma of running loose, only to be herded back up again.
And of course, the thought of me being arrested and my own fur kids having no one to care for them.
So, like most people do, I tried to push that image from my mind.
Just deny the suffering. Block it from my mind.
So Thursday when I felt sick, I thought maybe it was just that I was still upset.
That and the fact that lately I haven't had enough sleep and that I have been working very hard out in my yard and things.
I might be dehydrated. I Googled my symptoms and that could be a part of the  problem too.
Careful when Googling. It can put all sorts of paranoid things in your head.
Illnesses and maybe something toxic in my environment? could be my diet or lack of it.
I've been eating pure junk again.
yeah. Pop-tarts, Pizza and Ice cream.
I've slipped off the edge of good healthy eating and fallen into the pit of junk.
I guess it's a true addiction for me.
I've shaken my head in bewilderment over alcoholics and drug addicts and yet I'm no better.
My drug of choice can kill me too
I've got to get back to trying to be healthy again and strong.
The only thing I know for sure though is
I will never be eating PORK.


carla said...

Hi!!! Thanks for the story today!!! I am glad I am not the only one that sits and thinks about all sorts of things when I am stuck and not able to keep my mind busy on things I am doing!!!! I might not be eating pork for awhile!!!! When I was 10 I quit eating any meat for three years then we won a pizza party at school and it was off...Still eating it...glad to see your post today!!!

An Urban Cottage said...

Bridges don't bother me but I get claustrophobic when I'm in a car stuck in traffic. I have to undo my seatbelt, roll down the windows and put the A/C on as cold as possible.

Hope you're feeling better. Such a drag to be sick on a holiday weekend.

barbandemily said...

Hello! Sorry you've been sick! I also have the worst problem with cattle / chicken / hog carriers. Since I don't drive, at least I can close my eyes or look away. And while I don't often buy meat to cook, I do eat it when I'm with friends or family. Sometimes I just get hungry for meat. :(
Here's something that my daughter's nutritionist told us to use as a mantra - there is room for all foods in a healthy diet. It's really hard to cut out "junk food" completely. Allow yourself some, and try increasing the "good stuff". I don't want to preach about food, I have a difficult relationship with it myself, and my daughter is trying to live normally after anorexia, but maybe that polarized attitude - Junk vs Good is part of the problem. Too much quilt about good and bad. You don't struggle alone! Thanks for posting!

Nita {ModVintageLife} said...

Whew! What a post! I can't stand to think about the pigs. I don't eat that sort of thing...or any meat...I just wish everyone else would wise up. There is no need for it.

I hope you are feeling better..could it be allergies? I started feeling like I was getting ready to be sick last Sunday and it got progressively worse till Tuesday, Headache, dizzy, sore throat, itchy ears. But it never turned into a cold. I've felt this way all week and tired! I have decided it's allergies.

Maybe that is what is wrong with you. I've never had them to this extent. Not eating right will make you feel bad too. I'd probably eat junk too but I'm too poor to buy junk. I had beans tonight for dinner. I would have loved some junk food because I haven't had any in quite awhile but I didn't have the money to buy any. Which I tell myself is a good thing.

I am addicted currently to drinking diet dr. pepper with fresh lime squeezed in it. I wasn't drinking any colas but a friend got me into it and now I can't stop. But I'm not drinking it this week....too poor.

You need to call me when you are feeling down. I really have no one to talk to any more. My Mom is hard of hearing so she doesn't understand half of what I say on the phone and another lady I talk to is hard of hearing too and she doesn't understand what I am saying either. All my friends who really listened to me are gone now. It makes me so sad...I might have to get a therapist just so I have someone to talk to. Nope....can't afford that.

Mary Helen-Art Saves Lives said...

I hope by now you are back to feeling like your old self. I am still numb from the loss of my brother but I went to the dentist this morning before I head down to the studio. I am going to just pack and organized ...manual labor thinking per se. Be well sweet lady! I love your stories. Peace, Mary Helen Fernandez Stewart