Sunday, February 9, 2014

Can't see the Forest for the Trees

You know how you hear a saying
repeat it, use it, but never really think it completely through
or maybe that's just me.
I mean yeah.
You can't see the forest for the trees.
I got it.
Being so deep into it
that you just can't see it
unless you step back and look.
I've been laying around on the sofa the last few days,
doing half sit-ups as I cough myself crazy.
I don't usually just lay around but I'm trying to force myself to rest.
Munching on toast and sipping tea
and thinking.
I forced myself to get on the computer and just see what's going on.
I left a few rambling comments
on a couple of blogs in a cold medicine-induced state.
Anyway, as I lay on the sofa, I watch Ruby wobble across the floor
and then stop and bark and kinda do a dog-jump at one of the cats.
She studies herself and then walks over to a dog bed.
She gets in, turns round and lays down with her tongue hanging out
as it does almost all the time now 
and she and I exchange looks.
She seems to be doing good today.
A bit sassy.
That's a good sign, I guess, although I'm not to let her stress herself too much.

But last Tuesday night she wasn't stressed at all.
Just standing by the water bowl 
and suddenly she staggered and fell over.
I picked her up and held her, slowly cleaning her face as I talked to her
and her eyes slowly came back into focus and she was back.
I set her down and she walked off like nothing had happened.
Then the next morning, I noticed that her front feet were kinda curled
and she was standing on her "ankles".
But then, after a bit, she was again walking normally.

I think about what the different vets and technicians have told me.
Lots of information and details.
I think about statements that have been made to me 
and me with more questions and they with more answers.
It's like standing in a forest and all the questions and answers are the trees crowded around me

and if I step back
the real answer is like seeing the forest from a distance.

I'm finally thinking with clarity.
She's got a heart condition.
She's on medication for it.
They will only work for so long and then they won't.
and that's that.
I realize now that I've just kept asking questions
Because I've been hoping for a different answer.


Nita Stacy said...

This was a brilliant post! Makes me cry. The one gift you have is getting to cherish every moment you have with her now. She is happy and not in pain. Dogs live in the moment. I remember trying to memorize every inch of my old dog Puddin when she got old so I'd know that I truly appreciated and would remember her. I was so glad after she was gone that I had done that. Truly consumed every bit of her. Somehow I knew to do that with Newman too...even though I didn't know he was going to die but I guess with the back problems he was made me cherish every moment. This reminds me I need to do that with Violet. She is so independent she gets ignored a lot of the time. Tonight I am just going to focus on her as you focus on your Ruby.

Cynthia Myers said...

Thank you for this comment Nita.
Yeah, I cried too, writing it.
I know that I'm blessed to still have her here with me and I'll cherish whatever time we have left together.

Sarah Krouse said...

thank you for reminding me to cherish my own four babies when i'm vacuuming the sofa for the third time in a day or cleaning up the remnants they left from last night's hunt(which they kindly deposited on my carpet). it truly is worth every moment!

Vicki said...

Your words and your art - the last tree.
Anyone reading this post right now will turn their eyes, their thoughts and their hearts to their own dogs - past and present.
And, weep with you, as you spend this precious time with dear Ruby.

Cynthia Myers said...

I know Sarah, sometimes they can drive us crazy, but I know that I'd be lost without my fur-kids.

Cynthia Myers said...

Vicki, yes we must cherish every moment.
Thank you.

tammy j said...

oh my darling girl.
it's all already been said.
but most especially by you.
crying with you.
and smiling at that sassy little ruby.
the hardest part of loving is letting go. it never gets easier.
but the joys. oh the joys.

regreta said...

ahhh sweetheart.... hope you are feeling better today. My thoughts are with you as well, its tough when your little pet is ill, its such a mind fuck! Remember, when its her time its her time... just love the shit out of Ruby, that the very best you can do. Cindi, are you sure you got bronchitis? Please got get antibiotics if it is.... I'd hate to hear you got walking pneumonia!

Stay strong my black sister! LOLZ!!!! (im just trying to make you laugh now!!!)

Cynthia Myers said...

Thank you Tammy.
Sometimes I think this is happening in small degrees so that I can mentally, emotionally...prepare myself. That is, if anyone can actually prepare for that.
So Yes, I have finally faced the reality of the situation.
But in the meantime I will embrace the Joy.
Thanks again.

Cynthia Myers said...

Oh Regreta! You did make me laugh.
who knows what kind of sister runs in my veins. I know there's French & Swedish on my Mom's side and my Dad told me his side is German and English....with a little bit of Pennsylvania Dutch thrown in. I often wondered what that meant! LOL!
Truthfully I've always thought that I had some black cat in me! Ha!so there ya go! xoxo

and Yes, what will be, will be.

thanks so much for commenting.
(and don't worry, I'm on antibiotics)

An Urban Cottage said...

That heart problem happened to one of my first pair of cats. The pair were brothers I adopted when I lived in NYC for seven months. The first one developed a rare blood disease. The hospital gave me hope of a cure and I waited too long before I let him go. The other one collapsed in front of me just a few months later. I scooped him up and ran him to the hospital. They thought he had a seizure so they sent me home with him to watch him. He had another episode a few weeks later. Again, I ran him back to the hospital for more tests and they determined it was a heart problem. He was never the same. I was convinced it was a broken heart. After the third time he collapsed, I let him go to be with his brother. I still cry over those two when I think about them.

We know that our pets will leave before us. That's the way it's supposed to be. All we can do is give them a good and happy life for the short time they're with us. It's always too soon. And nothing can prepare us for it.

Cynthia Myers said...

Steve, Thank you so much for sharing your story. How awful it must have been for you, especially losing them both so close together. I completely understand and agree that it might have been a broken heart. It's so sad to think about.
I was looking at my little ones last night and thinking how several are elderly. Two of my cats are considered "seniors" and Rosie is older than Ruby. Claude is Ruby's age and my little Twinkle is looking so grey. I can hardly think about it without crying and then I've been told that 8 yrs is elderly for a Great Dane. Oh God! I can't think about THAT.
Yes, I will put all of this out of my mind and just focus on the happiness and pure joy that they bring to my life and cherish every day.
Thanks again for this heartfelt comment.

Anonymous said...

So true! Don't we all want another answer when that time comes closer. It's a good thing my vet station only have two vets and they always seems to have the same answers :-) Otherwise I would just keep on asking and hoping.

Have a great day!

Cynthia Myers said...

I know Christer!
One of the vets actually said to me that if he had a "magic" pill, he would give it to me for her and I said "That's what I want!" and he just shook his head and said sorry.
There are 3 here and actually one of them seems to be kinda not too optimistic sometimes about certain situations, almost to the point where I think hope is given too quickly. But the main vet (the one I usually turn to) is the complete opposite and always refuses to be negative. He thinks he can save everyone and while I know that's not possible, I'd rather have someone taking care of my pet who thinks that way.

Abi said...

Aw, I hope you feel better soon.

I really loved this ~ "I picked her up and held her, slowly cleaning her face as I talked to her and her eyes slowly came back into focus and she was back"
Its so sweet, your compassion.
I always feel like I'm in the room with you, when you write.
Love to little Ruby.

Weekend-Windup said...

Love your post. I too have sweet memories of my cute dog.

Cynthia Myers said...

Thanks Abi!
Today is the first day that I didn't wake myself up coughing. Yeh!
There's still the tickle in my throat and such, but definitely on the road back!
Thank so much for your words. Such a compliment, but I know that you do the same with your little ones!

Cynthia Myers said...

Thank you Weekend-Windup!