Um, yeah I'm still here. Sorry that I haven't been posting much but....
I hate to use the word but I can't think of anything else to describe my feelings. I hate it. I've tried to think about my favorites things. I've tried to think about all that I'm grateful for. I mean, who am I to be depressed?!
There are so many people in this world who have it so much worse than I. I need to work on my Art. Art Saves, right?
But I couldn't even think, to focus, let alone think creatively. And writing? How can I "write" when I can't even write a blog post? I came home at night and did - nothing. Truly, nothing except feed and pick up after my pets and do laundry and then... Nothing. A week ago Tuesday, after our staff meeting I went back to my boarding area and cried and cried. I was on the verge of hysteria but then I had to run a dog up front and then bring back a couple and then I had two different people who stopped by to visit with some of the long term boarders. I was gulping in air and splashing cold water on my wrists and pressed cold paper towels to the back of my neck.
Then I stepped outside and took in a deep breath of air and pretended to be OK. Meryl Streep watch out!
That night I came home, let the dogs out to potty and let them back in and sat down in my big chair
and fell asleep for two hours with my coat and shoes on.
I hadn't even fed the dogs yet!
It's best that I not discuss the exact source of my angst but ..... Maybe I'm too emotional and sensitive.
Maybe I should just not give a shit.
Maybe I need more SUNLIGHT.
No...it's more than that... And yes, I have friends, both here and in the blog world who are there for me
to encourage me and tell me to "Work on your book!"
But I was feeling beaten down and trivialized which left me
void of the ability to do anything more than exist.
There's a whole lot that I'm leaving out, but I must.
It's not that I'm trying to be mysterious.
I just trying to convey why my head and heart has been so messed up without actually giving the details.
Those of you that have been here for a while most likely can fill in the blanks anyway...
So there's where I've been
and also two of my longtime boarding dogs,
dogs that I've taken care of for YEARS
passed away this month....so yeah, there was that too.
But I must say, Thank god for friends and the Internet
It really helps my heart to read blog posts and escape from my own little part of the world.
I was finally able to shake it off a bit last weekend and focus a tiny bit on my Kanga book
I have it all roughly sketched out and I had someone who is an English teacher and
who wants to write her own book about grammar and punctuation, go over what I had written. I chewed on my pinky nail and paced behind her.
I stopped each time when she uttered an "Ohhh, that's sweet". She said she really liked my story and she only had to add a few commas.
That made me so bold as to share some of my ideas about my illustrations and said she thought they sounded "cool". That helped my psyche some.
and then I got some nudges from a dear friend that I have never met and
I worked on it some more.
I've been trying to be upbeat and focused
and then one of my close friends had one of her dogs have a major health emergency.
It's still not certain how things will go, it's kinda of a wait and see and pray thing.
So I need to be grateful for the health of my gang
and not let people wound me so deeply and not worry so much.
Then today I had breakfast with my very bestest of friends.
She is like a sister to me and her eyes filled with tears to hear how down I've been.
We talked about so many things and she knows me so well.
She helped me figure out what to let go,
what not to pursue and
what to pursue with all my heart.
She had just returned from a big buying trip at the Atlanta Home, Gift, Apparel Trade show
and she said as she was being shown things by vendors she kept thinking of me.
She said it reminded her of my work and she wished she was buying my creations.
So I asked her if she thought I should make this or that or....
She interrupted and said she thought I should create whatever made me happy.
Then told her that I think I know what was blocking me from finishing this book.
I think it's because I so badly want this to be the answer to my problems
and if I finish it and then it flops ....well, there goes what could be,
my only hope.
She just smiled and said "You can do it".
I told her that I have blogger friends that have been encouraging me and have faith in me
and several co-workers have been cheering me on and she said
"You can do it"
and damn it, I will!