TORNADO, FIRE, a CAT and a DOG and STUFF.

I need to write a post......

I have so many things swirling in my head

and don't know where to start.

I've just been thinking about so many things.

About... life.

About how I spend my time.

About my level of Happiness.

How I have such a list of what I want to do

and NEED to do.

And I always feel guilty if I don't do all that I need to do.

Spring was arrived.

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In little bursts of warmth

but the nights are still cold.

But soon I can start building my fence!

I'm not sure where to place it... but that's for a different post.

So anyway,

I had breakfast with a friend

The one that accomplishes so much in a day

and she shocked me when she said she was tired.

Tired of doing it all.

That she just wanted her life to be simplified.

How she wouldn't mind moving from her home to a smaller house or

possibly even a condo with no yard.

Her house is so pretty and her yard landscaped perfectly!

I was so surprised.

She said she was tired of spending so much time on it.

I told her how I too thought that I resented working out in the yard

because it took time away from all the other things I needed to be doing and creating.

But I said that I also found it incredibly calming.

Like meditation.

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But even if I was working hard outside, I felt stressed that I should be doing something else.

She understood but said that she didn't enjoy it at all.

So I could see why she would want to move.

We got to talking about how we used to shake our heads at people who hired others

to do their cleaning and yard work and home improvements

and how we never understood why someone would spend money when they could do it themselves.

Both of us have always scraped together our pennies for everything but

suddenly we understood why others did it...

The other day a tornado touched down, not here

but not far from here either.

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We have warnings every Spring but we are almost always lucky.

They kept showing photos of the destruction that the high winds had done locally.

There was a storage place where units were knocked over and blown about.

I couldn't help notice the one that was mostly just knocked off of its footings.

You could see the contents still inside.  

It was packed to the ceiling.

Not in some orderly boxed fashion but stuff just jammed in a huge pile.

I thought about how someone was paying for all that STUFF to just sit piled up in there.

Why?

And why do I have STUFF in my basement? Still!

Furniture, wood, things I'm going to USE someday.

Things I'm going to paint and improve and make BIG money on... someday.

And things in Rubbermaid containers that someone will want to buy... someday,

in a shop online that I have never opened

or in a garage sale that I would dread having.

I'm no better, not really.

I mean, OK I haven't rented space for my STUFF and it's more organized but....

Then they showed where the tornado had hit.

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People devastated over their destroyed homes and lost belongings.

I can't even imagine how horrible and tragic that would be. 

My house means the world to me

and my home has so many things that have deep meaning to me.

Things my nieces have made me and a few cherished items from my past.

They talked to a man who said at least everyone got out alive in his family and how

that was the important thing

and he's right.

Two people in the town lost their lives and many were injured.

If a tornado were to ever hit my home, my animals would be my only concern

I would not be worried about anything else inside of it.

Then they talked to a woman who looked to be about my age.

She was saying how devastating it was and how thankful she was that no one had been hurt.

Then she hesitated and said that it was kinda "cleansing".

To be rid of everything.

I'm sure that many people would be very critical of her words, but I got what she was trying to say.

A while back I was watching "The Talk" and Marie Osmund was a guest.

Somehow they got onto the topic of having a lot of STUFF.

She said that when her parents had passed, she had put everything of theirs into a garage to save.

One day the garage caught fire and she lost everything they had left behind.

The ladies of The Talk started to offer her sympathy and she shook her head.

She stated that the fire had done something that she was unable to do herself 

and therefore it wasn't necessarily a bad thing...except for the photos.

The other day I was standing in my kitchen trying to FINALLY decide whether to paint my red china hutch white or black.

A long time ago my kitchen had a lot of red but not any longer.

I decided that black would probably be the right choice.

It would balance with the black shelf above the sink

and the black framed photos resting on it

and the dark clock above it.

I stood back and stared at the shelf and other things.

I was in deep thought about it.

My house is a 100 years old and the walls are plaster and lath.

When you drive a screw or nail into them, you can hear the plaster fall behind the wall.

The shelf has always be a precarious thing.

So I stood there and suddenly for no reason,

Ghost leaping onto the edge of the sink and knocked the shelf off the wall.

(Ghost on my red china hutch)

The little ceramic leaf that also sat on the shelf and held some jewelry fell and broke.

I gathered up everything quickly and turned and looked at the space.

Suddenly it seemed clear and clean and more spacious.

I looked over at the china hutch, maybe I could paint it white!

So... I don't need a a horrific event like a tornado, a fire or 

even my sweet cat to change things in my life.

Maybe I need to stop looking at everything in my life as what it COULD be

and just BE.

And stop focusing on the money I spent in the hopes of bringing in more.

Or creating/ painting with an eye always on how to make some cash.

I know that the Law of Attraction is that if you focus on something it will happen.

If you think it, it will be so.

They say if you keep thinking "I won't be late, I won't be late"

The Universe will just focus on the "being late" part, and you will be late.

If you instead think, I will be on time, then you will be on time.

It's the focus on the good positive and not the negative.

Which I think is the answer whether you believe in The Universe and Law of Attraction or not.

Sigh, I don't know.

I'm just thinking out loud or rather blogging out loud.
I've talked about this STUFF so many times
and I'll probably change my mind again tomorrow.
I frustrate myself.

They say you can't teach an old dog new tricks,

but we all know that's not true.

It's just finding the energy to do it all.

(Blue is exhausted too.)

SHAKING IT OFF

Um, yeah I'm still here. Sorry that I haven't been posting much but....

I've been....

Depressed.

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I hate to use the word but I can't think of anything else to describe my feelings.
I hate it.
I've tried to think about my favorites things.
I've tried to think about all that I'm grateful for.
I mean, who am I to be depressed?!

There are so many people in this world who have it so much worse than I.
I need to work on my Art.
Art Saves, right?

But I couldn't even think, to focus, let alone think creatively.
And writing?
How can I "write" when I can't even write a blog post?
I came home at night and did - nothing.
Truly, nothing except feed and pick up after my pets and do laundry and then... 
Nothing.
A week ago Tuesday, after our staff meeting I went back to my boarding area and cried 
and cried. I was on the verge of hysteria but then I had to run a dog up front 
and then bring back a couple and then I had two different people who stopped by 
to visit with some of the long term boarders. 
I was gulping in air and splashing cold water on my wrists and pressed cold paper towels to the back of my neck.

Then I stepped outside and took in a deep breath of air and pretended to be OK.
Meryl Streep watch out!

That night I came home, let the dogs out to potty and let them back in and sat down in my big chair

and fell asleep for two hours with my coat and shoes on.

I hadn't even fed the dogs yet!

Sigh.

It's best that I not discuss the exact source of my angst but .....
Maybe I'm too emotional and sensitive.

Maybe I should just not give a shit.

Maybe I need more SUNLIGHT.

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No...it's more than that...

And yes, I have friends, both here and in the blog world who are there for me

to encourage me and tell me to
"Work on your book!"

But I was feeling beaten down and trivialized which left me

void of the ability to do anything more than exist.

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There's a whole lot that I'm leaving out, but I must.

It's not that I'm trying to be mysterious.

I just trying to convey why my head and heart has been so messed up without actually giving the details.

Those of you that have been here for a while most likely can fill in the blanks anyway...

So there's where I've been

STUCK

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and also two of my longtime boarding dogs,

dogs that I've taken care of for YEARS

passed away this month....so yeah, there was that too.

But I must say, Thank god for friends and the Internet

It  really helps my heart to read blog posts and escape from my own little part of the world.

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I was finally able to shake it off a bit last weekend and focus a tiny bit on my Kanga book

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I have it all roughly sketched out and I had someone who is an English teacher and

who wants to write her own book about grammar and punctuation, go over what I had written.
I chewed on my pinky nail and paced behind her.

I stopped each time when she uttered an "Ohhh, that's sweet".
She said she really liked my story and she only had to add a few commas. 

That made me so bold as to share some of my ideas about my illustrations and said she thought they sounded "cool".
That helped my psyche some.

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and then I got some nudges from a dear friend that I have never met and

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I worked on it some more.

I've been trying to be upbeat and focused

and then one of my close friends had one of her dogs have a major health emergency.

It's still not certain how things will go, it's kinda of a wait and see and pray thing.

So I need to be grateful for the health of my gang

and not let people wound me so deeply and not worry so much. 

Then today I had breakfast with my very bestest of friends.

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She is like a sister to me and her eyes filled with tears to hear how down I've been.

We talked about so many things and she knows me so well.

She helped me figure out what to let go,

what not to pursue and

what to pursue with all my heart.

She had just returned from a big buying trip at the Atlanta Home, Gift, Apparel Trade show

and she said as she was being shown things by vendors she kept thinking of me.

She said it reminded her of my work and she wished she was buying my creations.

So I asked her if she thought I should make this or that or....

She interrupted and said she thought I should create whatever made me happy.

Then told her that I think I know what was blocking me from finishing this book.

I think it's because I so badly want this to be the answer to my problems

and if I finish it and then it flops ....well, there goes what could be,

my only hope.

She just smiled and said "You can do it".

I told her that I have blogger friends that have been encouraging me and have faith in me

and several co-workers have been cheering me on and she said

"You can do it"

and damn it, I will!

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