I thought I had pulled myself out but... truth be told, no.
It's not because of Squeak, although his passing didn't help.
It's just...............
I need a change.
Or maybe just some sleep.
Or maybe just a new approach to life.
I seem to remember an episode of Seinfeld where George, whose life was always a major fail, decided to do the opposite of his natural instincts and suddenly everything started working for him.
Although I can't remember how it ultimately turned out for him, something must have gone wrong as he was back to his never-do-well life by the next episode.
But...
Yesterday when I got home from work it started to storm.
Really high winds, over 50 miles an hour and then hail.
The weather people on TV were intense.
They had their jackets off and their sleeves rolled up and they were showing diagrams on where to seek shelter in your home.
Last year we had a tornado in our region, something rather rare here
and they told us to seek a safe place.
At that time, I went to the basement door and walked down a couple of steps and sat there, holding 2 of my little dogs, Poppy and Ping.
I had motioned Blue to the doorway, I knew he'd never go down the steps, so he sat there along with Nora and Jimmy. I called to the others, I called to my cats...but mostly I called my cats Harry and Ghost.
Strange how I made my Sophie's Choice....
I remember that I had thought if I heard a "train" noise as they predict, I would just set the two little ones down on the icky basement floor and tug Blue as far down the stairs as I could.
I would think if I did that, some of the others would follow him down too.
But last night, curled up in my big chair covered in critters,
I watched the Tornado Warnings and thought about my Dad.
When there would be storms, he liked to open the garage door and sit in his lawn chair and watch.
He never ever was concerned. He never told us to go downstairs.
Of course, the downstairs in my childhood home was nicer than the whole of my home is now.
And MY current downstairs is dark, damp with cinder block walls and it's filled with stuff.
Stuff being old furniture, cat carriers, Rubbermaid containers full of more stuff.
I really didn't want to go down there.
So I pulled up my ottoman and stretched out my legs and more little ones crawled on top of me.
Blue was laying on the sofa
and Nora was pacing.
Nora was the only one that seemed concerned so I called for her to lay down next to the chair.
I figured we'd just wait and see.
I was so tired that I started to drift off to sleep.
I remember thinking just before I drifted off that I hoped the hail didn't dent my car
and that if nothing happened to us, that I needed to pitched the stuff in the basement
and repaint the walls, maybe put down a piece of sheet vinyl flooring...
So, I woke up and the threat had passed.
Apparently 5 tornadoes had touched down in several areas.
Down on the far end of my street, a tree had come down and brought down power lines and people were trapped inside a restaurant.
I was lucky that we still had power in my section of town.
I got up and threw a load of laundry into the washer.
I let the dogs out to potty and the night sky seemed eerie.
They hurried back in and we all went to bed.
I got up this morning and went to work and I cried.
Nothing big really happened or anything but I just cried.
I don't think I'm alone though.
Many people that I work with feel the same way.
And there's other people I know, outside of work, that feel like crying too.
About different things
Maybe it's just the time of year.
Maybe it's that I get home and only have a couple of hours
to clean the house, sort through and get rid of the clutter,
do the laundry, feed the dogs, groom the dogs,
read the blogs and the books I want to read and
oh, create Art
and I need to get to bed and get some sleep.
Seems like I never have time to do what I want or the energy.
Maybe it's just that I feel overwhelmed.
Do you feel like that too?
Is it the weather? The time of year?
The horrible things in the News and on social media?
See, I told you I was in a funk.
Sorry.
18 comments:
Thank you for writing! I love your posts, and you don't have to be in a good mood to share. It sounds as if you're exhausted, but I'm so glad you all are safe!
That was a wonderful image of your father. Weather may contribute to a down. Do you get enough sun there? The day light hours are getting longer now, so there may be relief for some. On the other hand, creative people can get down, but then it is followed by a burst of energy for the next endeavor. But you have had so many losses these past few months that it could be effecting you. Hugs. xoxo A Happy St. Patrick's Day to you and your furry loved ones. Su
It's all of the above. I was in a funk on Sunday. Tried to work outside, couldn't find my stuff, had a fit there all by myself where no one could hear me, and I felt better.
Some advice ... ignore the bad stuff on social media and put politics away till at least late October. Other than casting our ballot on election day, we have no influence or control over the process. Concentrate your efforts on small things that WILL make a difference. (Remember my post earlier in the year about my Donation Box. Put one in your basement, drop items in there as you come across things you no longer want, and you will see improvement in your mood and your life as the box gets full ... I promise.)
never be sorry for saying how you feel here.
we're your friends.
and if you can't confide in your friends... then who can you?
i'm with your dad.
i'm not sure that's altogether sensible. but the marine thinks that way too.
for the three years i've lived here i've been more concerned simply because it's upstairs.
but unless it's an E5 (you're underground or you're dead) i'm going to get me a bicycle helmet and stay home.
you can also get in a room in the CENTERMOST part of your house. be it a closet or a bathroom. many people have been found safe and sound in their bathroom even with their pets when the rest of the house is gone. it's what our forecasters tell children to do whose parents might not be home yet. gary england was the best. google him if you like. he always told them to go to an inner most room in their house.
and as to the crying.
i have noticed myself crying even at tv commercials lately! seriously.
maybe it's some planet in retrograde or something...
be kind to yourself dear one.
you're just TIRED i think most of the time.
not just tired at the end of the day. you're bone weary.
as my gram used to say. it's a deeper kind of tired.
and as to the stuff... call a man with a truck. have him take it all.
don't open the rubbermaids. just get it GONE. piles of stuff sitting in closets and corners and basements and attics draw energy.
did you ever read the space clearing book? darn. i can't think of the lady's name now who wrote it. but she says when she goes into a house and it's full of old unwanted stuff... she FEELS it. it even drains her. when her clients take her advice and she goes back... it feels different. and they say they do too! i'll think of it and email you.
and GOOD GRIEF!!!! ohmygosh. PLEASE delete this reply. it's a BOOK!
sorry. why can't i ever just leave a nice short little comment?
XOXOXOXO♥
It must be that time of year, I've been very down too. Suddenly forcing the happy isn't working and I'm barely moving along. I know some of it is the passing of Binks and Lita's health issues, stress about my business and I've hit a milestone birthday, which I should be happy about but I'm not.
So I understand. I hope happier days are in store for the future for us both.
Jean,
Yep. pretty exhausted.
Just got home and reading comments while the dogs eat.
Thanks for listening!
XOXOXOXO
Su,
Yep, I can see him now, unfolding his chair and sitting crossed leg, ankle on knee.
Sometimes he'd smoke his pipe too. I guess the casualness of it all helped me not to be frightened.
I'm hoping the time change, with longer daylight hours will help. Also, once I can get outside and work in the yard, that usually helps too. I hoping to get that burst of energy!
And yes, I think I'm still grieving, although I try not to think about it all.
Happy St. Patricks day to you too!
and Thank you!
xoxo
Connie,
Yes, I agree. All of the above.
I do tend to ignore politics but my niece Lily was very upset and crying the other day because of it all.
She voted the very first time in the primaries. She researched the candidates and proudly voted now that she is finally old enough. Later she was nagged into telling a family member as to who she voted for.
Then while at work yesterday she received this awful text from said family member telling her how disappointed they were in her. and how they thought she had been raised better and not to come to them for any financial support when said candidate ruins the economy. THIS is the very reason I hate politics so much.
They finally have come to a truce, although I wouldn't have so quickly if someone I loved sent me those words. It hurt my heart to see her joy slapped down like that.
So there was THAT and the other usual crap at work.
I DO remember that post! Thank you for reminding me again! I've been trying to toss the stuff that needs tossing but YES! I need a donation box.
Thank you for your wise words of advice!
XOXO
Thank you Tammy.
XOXOXO
I seriously almost deleted this post rather than publish it.
It really helps me not feel so alone, to have friends out there who care.
I also thought that maybe others were feeling the same and would feel better too,
to know they aren't alone either.
OK, about where to go in my house.
I really need to go to the basement. Ugh.
but the other night I was in the middle of my main floor although my whole main level measures 15 feet wide (except for where the stairs are and then it's 12 ft across) and it's 31 feet long,
so I was in the Middle. But there was a double window in front of me and a single behind me.
But the side with the single window has the neighbors house which is at most, 6 feet away.
So maybe it would block something?
The bathroom is out of the question. It's upstairs and its in the corner of the house and my house is taller than the neighbors and I think it would get hit first. Besides that clawfoot tub doesn't make me feel safe on the best of days! LOL!
Yep, I guess I need to clean out and paint the basement.
Yes, I think I'm bone tired.
I won't be calling anyone to move this STUFF! LOL! Can't spend the $$$
But I think I will just donate what I can.
Also, I think I will just drag the bigger items to the curb.
Since I live on a busy street I have set the most bizarre things out there and they are always gone!
Sometimes I've helped people load things into their car!
Other times, someone must come back in the dead of the night, because everything is always gone in the morning. That's good, it's a way of recycling too, but kinda creeps me out that someone was scurrying around in the dark taking my old stuff.
I like the idea of space clearing. Sounds like Feng Shui and how stagnant corners are bad and clutter is very bad. That things have to be able to flow.
I have a couple of photos "saved" of a home that I wished was mine.
It's actually smaller than mine but it seems to flow, I need to find that again and stare at it.
And last, I LOVE your comments! I love reading them and going over your words a few times.
The fact that you and others too, take the time to write such caring and thought out comments brings tears to my eyes. Please never delete one!
Love you!
xoxoxoxoxoxoxo
Happy Birthday Jenn!
I know that Binks passing was a very hard blow.
I wish I could make it easier for you but only time will help and sadly there will still be days...
but you have my very deepest sympathies.
and then for Lita to be ill! Omg, the worry of that too.
I'm thinking of you!
xoxoxoxo
I must say your blog is looking great and I'm loving your Instagram photos!
I'm sure it will all takeoff but it takes time and it's hard to keep your chin up.
But it will happen for you, I just know it.
xoxoxo
Maybe, just maybe, you have too many "kids" counting on you? It might be good to love the ones you're with and not take on any more until you have your life the way you want it. Some times we make ourselves very "busy" to avoid actually taking steps to make our life the way we really want to live. I know for sure that we humans don't make a change until it's harder to stay in the situation we're in than actually do the hard job of making the change. Don't want to go all psycho-babble on you, but these are the truths I have experienced in life. In 1990, it took me wrecking my car to realize getting out of a dismal 20-year marriage was far easier than staying in it any longer.
Sharon,
I'v been away from blogging for a few days and just read this comment.
Actually I've read it over and over again.
i think you are creating an Ah-Ha moment for me.
I mean, I've already turned down several animals that need homes, just for that reason and it's hard for me to do but I did.
But the idea of being "busy" to avoid taking the steps towards what I did to do... whoa, I think you are right!
I just hadn't realized it before.
XOXOXOXOXOXOXO
and.. I've been reading Dave Ramsey because of you too! Thank you for that too.
Have you talked about this on your blog? I mean your journey to where you are now?
I need to go back to the beginning and read it all.
Thank you so much. I have a lot to think about.
XOXOXOXOXO
Just reading this now, and I think that how you were feeling was building to the illness you have now. That and your utter tiredness, and still grieving over sweet little Squeak.
No wonder your resources are low, dear Cindi.
Listen, it's OK to cry. Crying is essential actually. We have tear ducts for good reason.
Crying releases pent up stress and emotions. It has a positive effect on our body.
Stress increases the risk of heart attack, and can have damaging effects on our brain.
Crying also lowers blood pressure. And tears remove the toxins that stress chemicals release.
When we have a lot to do in our busy lives, and there is stress, our body needs us to cry in order to stay healthy and strong to get through what we must.
Never see it as weakness. I was told that to cry is to be weak... what a load of bullshit!
Those who feel that way, often die earlier than they should of pent up stress induced disease.
“What soap is for the body, tears are for the soul.” – Jewish Proverb
Go on, have a good cry. You're doing yourself good.
Thinking of you and sending healing hugs xxxxx
ps - I'd be like your Dad, the energies from storms are incredibly powerful and exhilarating!
Vicki,
Well, I should be completely clear of toxins just about now!
LOL!
Thank you though. I think you are right. This probably played a part in me getting sick.
Of course everyone coughing open mouth around the clinic probably didn't help either.
Thanks for your support and wise words! You are very dear to me.
XOXOXOXOXO
I'm getting caught up on your news and know totally how you feel. I am so, so sorry about the loss of your precious Squeak... I think the combination of being pulled and going in so many directions, dealing with the sadness of a loss, all does that to you. My vet and I were just talking about "compassion fatigue" because I've gone through times where I've felt the way you do, and now think this "fatigue" could be what it is. I know that it's easier said than done, but try and carve a little time for yourself to recharge your inner batteries, whether it's just lunch with a friend, or changing scenery for the drive home, renting a fun movie -- Something small to treat yourself could go a long way. Remind me of this when I'm feeling like this, probably next week! :-)
PS: Airbnb, is just like a BNB, it can be a room in a house or an entire home. Where I stay, it's a large "mother in law suite" in the finished, walkout basement. It has a private entrance, own bathroom, kitchen area etc., so it's perfect and private -- I don't even see the homeowners except when I arrive, and if they happen to be outside when I leave/come back. The best part is it's $60 a night, half the cost of a hotel.
FEEL BETTER, and take care!!!
Kim,
Yes, maybe its that.
I think I definitely suffered from that many years ago when I worked at the no-kill shelter and I heard all the horrible stories every day and had to turn away animals.... Yep, I never should have worked there .
It took too much out of me.
And the constant stuff at work now...
Right now we have a kitten that was paralyzed on his hind-end and slowly regaining strength in his legs and an another that was found on a fence and had wounds to his belly and eye and another cat...they all need homes and I've said no.
And I worry so much about my boarders, I wish I could turn it off in my head but I can't.
This weekend, while trying to get well, I've received texts and phone calls from each one of my workers plus one of the vet techs so of course my mind is spinning.
Thank you for your wise words, I'll try to do something different to get my mind off of it all.
Airbnb definitely sounds like a great way to go!
I never go anywhere but if I did, the thought of hotel rooms, the mattresses etc. creeps me out. this sounds so much nicer when it's someones actual home.
Thanks for stopping and commenting!
XOXOXOXO
Maybe the moon is in retrograde or something, because lately, especially since arriving home on Friday, I've cried for inexplicable reasons. And I am NOT a cryer. Actually, my reasons aren't really inexplicable. I think I know what is wrong, but there's not a heck of a lot I can do about it. I'm sure sometimes you and many others feel the same way. Helpless, hopeless and harried and yes, never enough time in the day.
I think Sharon is on to something Cindi, but it looks like you already know that. More than most people I know, you have had many challenges to face, and you're one of the most giving people I know in blogland. Sometimes things take their toll even if we don't realize it. Caring for pups, having to say goodbye when it's their time to go...must be very emotionally draining,and that emotion needs an outlet. It's good to cry. Our bodies need it, and it's good for the soul too.
Get rid of that stuff in the basement! It's draining you, even if you don't know it. Oh, and the book Tammy referred to is 'the life changing magic of tidying up'.
(I haven't been getting many emails to foxdenrd and I couldn't figure out what happened. Then I realized that maybe the forwarding isn't working. I didn't receive this update so I guess I should resubscribe via my new email. Now I have to try to remember what other blogs I was subscribed to!)
xxx
Doreen,
I'm sorry you are crying too.
and I'm sorry that whatever is making you cry isn't something you can change.
XOXOXO
I'm wondering it there's something going on too, as I know many other women who are crying.
Yes, taking care of everyone can be draining and I won't add to my load but it's a Catch 22.
I'd be lost without them.
I also know that I need to get some more backbone as my home is filled with elders.
I just have a few that are really young.
Some day it will probably be just Ricochet, Ping and Poppy.
and Jimmy Chew. Dogs like Jimmy live forever. LOL!
I need to think about myself a little bit because if I'm not around, they will be in trouble.
Yep, need to focus on health.
and crying does release some of the stress...
I have that book. Maybe I'll start reading it again. She kinda lost me on a few things.
Especially the emptying out of everything in my purse thing every night.
I'm sick today but I did go work in the basement for awhile.
I actually cleared out a bunch of stuff and rearranged....
now I kinda regret closing up my booth space because there's several things down there that I know I could sell!
Sigh.
I'm so sorry about you losing your emails from other blogs and you also lost those photos!
I hope someone can get that all straighten out for you soon.
Thank you for everything!
XOXOXOXO
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