Saturday, April 9, 2016

YOU DESERVE BETTER and THE DETAILS

It's been a great week!
and nothing has changed except my attitude!

In fact I've had some people who are doing their best to sabotage me...
just for the fun of it I guess.
source
They must have their reasons but instead of wasting my time trying to figure out exactly why,
I've just making sure that I dot my I's and cross my T's and 
that's all I can really do anyway, so why let it nag at me and ruin my day.
Besides...
Now that I know that my life is changing, 
I just don't care!

I'm excited and pumped!
I really haven't even done much work on ME yet,
but I'm feeling so much better.

Mostly this week I've thought about what "I" wanted and in DETAIL.
Sharon left a comment about thinking about it in detail
and before this I've had many MANY ideas but never a nailed down SURE thought.

I met my best friend for breakfast the other morning.
It's something we always try to do every other week.
We have the greatest of talks
and energize each other.
source
But now with my reinvention plan, I found I had bigger plans 
than we have ever discussed.
And I realized that my past thoughts had always been smaller.
Kinda held down by what and how other people viewed me and how I viewed myself.

My friend has always been my biggest cheerleader
but I think I surprised her by wanting more than I ever had before.
In the past I felt kinda guilty about wanting too much.
I mean, I should be happy with what I have, it's more than many people have.
I have a job and shelter and food on the table.
She's always thought in terms of what seemed possible for me
given the fact that  I don't have a high paying profession or a mate.
She's always encouraged me to think out of the box though,
but now I want to throw away the box!
And still, there's a part of me that thinks... How dare I.
Does this make sense?
It's like whenever I buy something, I'm always quick to tell everyone how I researched it to death
and what a deal I got on it, how it will better my life and be a wise decision in the long run.
It's like I feel guilty doing something nice for myself,
for treating myself well... like I don't deserve it.


Here's an example.
Last December I got rid of my van.
My best friend AND my sister both had told me that I should drive it into the ground
and to keep it as long as possible.
I initially agreed with them.
I mean why get another vehicle if the van still ran?
Who was I to want something better?
I should be happy to have a vehicle to get me form point A to B.
But here's the thing.
It was 10 years old and I had pretty much replaced every single thing on it except the transmission.
And... it was rusting out.

I had gone and bought this bonding agent stuff that I saw on the Internet and I sanded down the rust.
When I sanded down the big spot, a hole gave way.
I filled it in with that putty type bonding stuff and built it up.
I layered it and swirled it on like frosting and then sanded it smooth and primed it and sprayed it with paint.
Thank god it was White and I didn't have to worry about matching colors.
And it looked sorta OK.
If you didn't look right at the spot...

But I would drive that thing on the highway and feel unsafe.
It had a loud rattle and I felt like I was in a big tin pop can.
And... truth be told, when I walked out to it and looked at it, I hated it..
But my last van payment was November and I had visions of paying down bills.
I'd be stupid to get another vehicle.

On my lunch hour, I started researching cars though.
I had decided on two car makers.
Either a Toyota or a Honda.
Both seemed to last forever.
So whenever the different dealerships were closed, 
I'd drive through the lots and look at the cars.

Finally, I decided I wanted a Honda.
Then I decided I wanted a Honda Civic.
Then I decided I wanted  it to be Blue, or maybe Black or possible Red.
Then I decided on BLUE. not navy, not light blue, but BLUE.
I could see it in my mind, although I hadn't really seen it anywhere.
Then I decided I  also wanted a sun/moon roof.
I had one in the car before the van and Blue always enjoyed sticking his head out of the top.
I didn't want NEW. That's not a good value. you lose money as soon as you drive off the lot.
The value takes a HUGE drop.
But I wanted low mileage because this car needed to last forever.
So I had the details down... 

Then one day on my lunch break, I drove through a drive-through for lunch.
It was raining and  trying to snow.
Slushy rain.
I placed my order and put my window back up but the rubber came away from the top of he window
and water started dripping in on me.
As I sat there, trying to shove the rubber back in place as I
got more cold and wet, when a voice in my head said
"You deserve better than this!"

When I got back to work, I sat down at my desk with my lunch and looked at the car dealerships online.
Another car had been added since the last time I looked.
A 2012 BLUE Honda Civic with sun/moonroof and under 22,000. miles.
It was at the dealership I had bought my van from many years ago.
The salesman still sent me monthly emails so I searched my old emails and answered the last one back.
Was he working that night?
He answered quickly, Yes! He was!
I quickly called my credit union so that I knew what the car was worth and what kind of loan I could get.
So, after work I test drove the blue car and also an Accord, just to compare.
The Civic had been just been turned in by a nurse who had it on lease.
Leased cars are required to maintained in compliance with the leasing terms.
The mileage was so low because she worked alot and never went anywhere or so the salesman told me.
The salesman actually knew her and had been the one to lease it to her originally.
He said she turned it in because the lease was up and she was getting another new vehicle to lease.

So I bought the Honda Civic
In that special blue color that I envisioned.
It's kinda pearlized.

When I walk up to my car now, I smile.
Yes, I have car payments but they are actually less than my van payments were.
I feel safe in that car and I have a 5 yr warranty that makes me feel secure.
Now I no longer mind driving.
I used to want to move closer to work because I hated driving the van
and although I still hate battling bridge traffic and construction, the car makes it bearable.

So there ya go.
Once again I feel the need to explain myself to anyone who comments on my car.
I couldn't just say to anyone that I wanted a better car.
How indulgent, frivolous, foolish and selfish of me.
Yep... I need to think better of myself.
I need to feel like I deserve it.
I need to do this, to open my heart up so that I can send it out to the Universe
and make my new life happen.

So...I guess the two biggest points that I'm trying to make here are
1. We deserve better, it's ok to want better. 
2. Get the details down and put it out to the Universe.

source

24 comments:

Sharon @ Laurelhurst Craftsman said...

You don't owe anybody an explanation, unless they're paying your bills for you. Congratulations on the new car.

Cindi Myers said...

Sharon,
Thank you!
You are so right,
Just one of the things I'm working on about myself.
I will rmember that.
xoxo
and thanks for commenting.
:D

shortybear said...

congrats dear.

CheerfulMonk said...

Good for you! And thank you so much for sharing.

Appreciating what we have doesn't mean we can't try to get something better. Yay, Cindi!

sassypackrat said...

You absolutely deserve nice things and you don't have to explain why to anyone! And if anyone feels like they need you to, then that's their own weird issue and has nothing to do with you.

Looking forward to hearing what BIG ideas you have cause I know they are going to be amazing!

Cindi Myers said...

Thank you Shortybear!
:D
xoxo

Cindi Myers said...

Jean,
Yes, I guess that's true!
I can appreciate something but still reach higher!
Thank you!
xoxoxo

Cindi Myers said...

Thanks Jen!
The more that I think about it, I'm kinda thinking it probably has something to do with my Dad.
(As most things seem to. Ugh) But I think I will just not think on THAT any longer and just focus on change!
:D
I am getting more details worked out in my head!
I'm piecing it together so thanks for having faith in me!
YOU are a good example, you are really rolling with your blog and on Facebook and Instagram!
I'm loving the new look!
xoxo

~Kim at Golden Pines~ said...

I don't have anything to add, only my cheers to you from my corner of Virginia! And by the way, I love your new car, and I hope you have many safe and fun miles together! :-)

Anonymous said...

Hi Cindi.

I am just now catching up on your "reinvention" post and I think your plans sound pretty exciting. It's funny because I've been having similar thoughts about my own life lately. I don't know what it is about spring but it always gets me thinking about starting over and starting fresh. I guess that's what spring is all about -- renewal, rebirth. I've never had a bucket list or anything like that but I recently started thinking about the things I've never done that I would like to do at least once in my life. I've done a lot of traveling and have gone to all the places I've dreamed of seeing. But, like most people, there have always been things I've avoided because they were out of my comfort zone. Even though I have been going to the gym every night after work for the past 10 years, I had never even considered running in a race. I am comfortable going without makeup and getting sweaty and gross within the walls of a gym but the thought of running out in public where people can see me has not appealed to me. But in the spirit of growth and change, this year, I decided I would participate in the 5K part of a local marathon that takes place later this month. I am going to complete that race even if I have to walk part of it, even if I have to watch 12 year old kids and 80 year old men finish before me, and even if it means I will be getting sweaty and disgusting in public. (Don't worry, I WILL be wearing waterproof mascara and a bit of lipstick -- I don't want to scare people out there.) This is just something I want to do at least once in my life and if it turns out well I may try to do the 10K next year.

Good luck with your changes! I know you can do it. I am looking forward to reading your blog posts about this new phase.

Grace

Cindi Myers said...

Thank you Kim!
:)
and about the car, I do plan on having it for a very very long time
so I'm glad I found it!
It's funny how it affects my mood and my sense of safety.
thanks again!
xoxo

Cindi Myers said...

Grace,
I love your comment!
Thanks so much for sharing.
I don't have a bucket list but I'm thinking about one now.
How awesome that you traveled to all the places you wanted to go to!
There are so many places I wish I could visit and to be honest, I get anxious just thinking about being away from home for more than a day or two though. (I will add that to my list of things I need to change about myself.)
I'm blown away by the fact that you have gone to the gym for 10 years!
Whoa! I admire that so much. That dedication to being healthy.
I'm SO excited that you are going to run a 5K! I hope you come and leave a comment about it!
Really, that's so cool.
You made me laugh about the make-up because I totally get that!
At work, some girls wear make-up and some don't and then some wear it off and on... which is something I never understand. LOL! I mean I would NEVER go to work without filling in my eyebrows and mascara... and a little bit of liner, and powder to take the shine off.
That's not to say I don't sweat some it off in the summer but still... I'd freak out walking around without my eyes. Of course the girls that don't wear it are mostly those blessed with full brows and dark lashes. Lucky!
I'm fair skinned and freckly so I need it or my face disappears! LOL.
So I TOTALLY get what you are saying.
You go girl! I'm SO happy you are stepping out of your comfort zone!
XOXOXOXO

tammy j said...

YOU DO DESERVE IT!
oh this post makes me so happy for you I could burst.
I read a tiny book years ago called 'creative visualization.'
there have been many since. but that one was so simply written
and so beautiful. I must see if it's still in print. i'd like to own it again.
it simply said it is the law of the universe. and it can only be used for good never harm. but it ALWAYS works.
BUT! it has to be visualized in specific detail. and also as if it were ALREADY DONE! (that's always the hard part for me.. already done.)
you've quoted two of my favorite people... chopra and hay!
oh cindi.
best of all is the change for you at work. they truly CAN'T hurt you.
not unless you let them. and you simply won't anymore. they're to be pitied really. can you imagine enjoying making other people miserable?
they must be very miserable souls themselves to have to do all that.
but it's a NEW WORLD for you! you can't be bothered with that anymore!
LOLOL!
I sound like an evangelist here. :)
I'm just happy for you that's all.
XOXOXOXO♥ and p.s. the car is GORGEOUS!!! LOVE the color. and that it's BLUE. very special. hug blue for me and ALL the furries.

Christer. said...

It was about time to get rid of that van of Yours, to be honest it made me wooried about Your safety :-) A van is truly practical many times but Yours had seen the best of its days, long ago :-)

Yes of course we are allowed to want better for ourselves! You have been very Scandinavian in that way, don't ever think You deserve better than anyone else, it is one of what we call The Laws of Jante (look it up and You'll understansd what I mean :-) ).

In the previous post You mentioned eating better, just stay away from as much carbohydrates as possible and Your health will get better (and usually the economy too siunce healthy food is cheaper in the long run). Fat is actually not especially bad for You, contrary to what most people believe. There are tons of literature if You want to find out more (LCHF).

Have a great day!

Christer.

At Rivercrest Cottage said...

Cindi, I loved this post. Your blue car story will forever remain in my thoughts. My ex husband always complained that he couldn't afford this...or couldn't afford that. He spent more money fixing up old trucks to keep them going than what a payment on a newer car would've cost! Forever broke, even though we made twice what most people made.

Cindi, hope you are able to listen to Dave Ramsey podcasts. Dave often rants about how bettering your situation and having money and paying off bills actually allows you to help others later on. So put in your mind that getting the things you need for a happy life are improving other lives too eventually.

When we're broke and trying to survive, we have no ability to help others. When we live a life of abundance (believing there is enough for everyone and that living a good life doesn't take away from other people's ability to enjoy life) we find that there is enough for everyone. I believe it is as simple as a thought process.

As far as what other people think: 1. "Never explain, never complain" this serves especially well at work. It frees you up from having to justify experiences. It doesn't mean you shouldn't take action when necessary, but complaining isn't action. And, 2, this next one has served me well. It's a saying I heard once: You wouldn't worry so much about what other people think of you if you knew how seldom they do.
Most people are too concerned with themselves to really focus on you. When they talk about another person, it's really more about themselves than the other person. Sorry this got so long. I'm glad you took what I said about the universe to heart. It can be life changing.

Cindi Myers said...

Tammy,
I will look for that book at the library or else on Amazon!
I have the same problem of seeing it as an already done deal but I will really work on changing my mindset.
Yes, the people at work, I can never change them but I can change how I feel.
I've always been so worried about loss of income but if I stick with LOA and manifest a better life, I won't have to worry any longer.
I do love the color of my car! LOL!and I just KNEW it wouldn't be navy.
Now here's the really funny part.
I just spent the last couple of hours trying to get my car to start, and my sister coming over to try to jump it and then us realizing it's not the battery and then me calling the warranty place and the guy coming out to tow it across the river to the dealership and... all of this after I write this post about a dependable car!
LOL! thank goodness I have that extended warranty!
I of course started to worry about work tomorrow as they can't work on it until Monday and Monday is the busiest of days and... my sister text me back - "Not your problem."
Yep.
So I just let the others from work who will be there know that I will be late...
and not too sure how late!
Weird not to panic. But a good weird!
XOXOXOXOXO

Cindi Myers said...

Christer,
Yeah, I did hang onto it longer than maybe I should have but I wanted to get it at least paid off.
Seems like there was always something wrong with that thing.
But as I type this, I'm carless! Yep, had to get my car towed in to the dealership because it wouldn't start!
I'm just really glad I got that extended warranty. The towing was completely covered even though it left my home in Illinois and went to Iowa.
I looked up the Law of Jante. Whoa, I hope I haven't become totally like that. But I am a fourth Swedish!
I think I got all this from my Dad who was half English and half German, by the way he raised me and...stuff.
Anyway! yes, I need to cut out the bread. I love bread and bagels and stuff like that.
and the sugar. My sister said that cancer grows in sugar and I need to stop NOW.
She said to eat veggies and lemons and almonds....
It's gonna be a journey but I'm gonna do it!
Thanks for this great comment!
xo

Cindi Myers said...

Sharon,
Yes the blue car story. :)
I didn't realize I was using LOA while envisioning it but I see that now!
Although it just had to be towed to the dealership!!!
I hope I didn't do that by thinking about cars breaking down!
LOL!
but my attitude is much better than it would have been in the past.

Also about fixing things... yes, I believe we should fix something if possible but sometimes it's better to be done with it and just replace it as you said.
My friend found an old door and she cut it down to size and sanded it and stained it and put trim on it and new hardware. It wasn't a cute old vintage door or anything but just a plain door and after all that work she realized she could have spent the same amount and got a new one and saved all that time fixing the old one!
I've listened some to Dave Ramsey but I've been reading books on different things too. I need to devote more time to him because he has helped me focus on paying down one thing at a time!
Thank you for the advice on living in abundance and helping others.
That's one of my plans for my Art.

I remember you telling me to 'never explain, never complain' before and I've put it into action for the most part.
I try to just do my job and keep to myself but the other day I did need to clarify an issue with Doc when I found out that people were questioning something. It wasn't like they really cared, they just wanted to stir up some trouble for me. So I got it clarified but I could tell he was still annoyed.
Oh well! I addressed it and now I'm moving on.
Once agin, THANK YOU for EVERYTHING!
xoxoxoxoxo

tammy j said...

towed to IOWA to be fixed!!! ???
HOLY SMOKE!
there's not a dealership in your city? ohmygoodness!
but
i'm SO GLAD your sister said that.
they can DEAL with it at the clinic.
always think of it this way...
they'd have to deal with your not being there anyway if you died!
but don't die.
you're just now going to get to really LIVE!!! LOL! XO♥♥♥

Cindi Myers said...

LOL!
Tammy, I don't plan on it anytime soon! LOL!
If I thought I would be dying soon, I wouldn't go on this diet!
I'd be eating chocolate right this minute.
Ha!

Yep, Iowa.
But everything is across the river...or at least the next town over.
In MY town they close up an old school and level it for a drugstore.
And then leave an empty drugstore across the street.
Or they demolish a cool nightspot and put up Autozone.
and a church for another auto place
Or tear down houses and build grocery stores.
and that makes all the surrounding houses drop in value.
They are even planning to close up the cool mid-century modern branch library down the street from me and instead add onto the big smelly scary library downtown.

There WAS a Honda dealership downtown but they packed up and moved a couple of years ago to a new shiny location in the next town over on the Interstate.
Not too much here except they have built up the downtown area and made it nicer but the surrounding areas, well... you wouldn't want to drive through there, especially at night...and never in the summer when it's really hot or you might get shot.
And of course everything in the business area in the middle of town has gone to Hell....
There are still nice neighborhoods though. safe ones. Luckily I live in one.
MY little house is squeezed in there! LOL!
OMG! I've gone on a rant. I need to figure out where I should live and visualize it after I get done working on myself!
HA!
But the dealership in Iowa is only 15 minutes or less to my work, so ...
ALL IS GOOD!

Doreen@foxdenrd said...

Somewhere down the line someone,or something, made you feel less than deserving of the best this life can offer. Well, those days are gone, as they should be!

It's time for the butterfly to emerge and spread its wings, and boy, is it a beautiful one. :).

Cindi Myers said...

Doreen,
Yes. If I think I about it I know it started with my Dad
and then continued with other people after that.
But as you say, Those days are Gone!
So I'm not going to even think about the past or the how or the why or whatever.
I'm just focusing on the Future!
Thank you! Thank you!
XOXOXOXOOXOXO

Butterfly 8)(8 Bungalow said...

Congratulations on your new car! Pretty blue! And your new perspective. xoox Su

Cindi Myers said...

Thank you Su!
I'm happy to have it.
It's nice to feel safe. LOL!
and yes, I'm really trying to change the way I look at everything!
Thanks again!
xoxo