Today is ...MY BIRTHDAY!

Whatever.

Actually, I HAVE been thinking about the aging process a lot lately.
Who knows how long we have.
Someone could be 80 years old and have 15 years ahead of them
and someone could be 19, and die in a car accident that year.
We just don't know.
I've already lived past the age of my Mom's passing
and if I go for Dad's age, I've got slightly less than 20.
But seriously who knows?
and why think that way?!

I got news recently from someone I was close friends with in high school.
I was close with the whole family.
I practically spent all my spare time there.
Their family was polar opposite of mine.
It was loud and rowdy and everyone was on top of one another.
They were outrageous and made messes and had so much fun.

Last year I heard that the oldest daughter had passed away from a brain tumor.
Now I heard that one of the sisters that I spent so much time with, has pancreatic cancer.
She's younger than me!
I haven't seen her in more than 30 years.
She got married and had kids and we just lost touch and now....
Her sister tells me that there's not much hope.

There have been many people over the years that are now gone.
People I grew up with and now, BAM! gone.
Most of my relatives have passed and several of my old boyfriends.
Two years ago, a woman who was my sister's best friend when we were all little,
was posting photos of herself and her fiance on this fun grand vacation they were taking.
Everyday there were photos on Facebook.
They were having so much fun.
I even commented on how she didn't seem to have aged.
So they came home from the vacation and that Sunday afternoon
she had a headache and went to take a nap and when her fiance went to wake her,
she was gone.

Everyone was in shock.
So I was thinking about her again,
as I thought about so many other people who are now gone too.
You just don't know.

So why do we count the years?
I wish we could just live and never know how old we were.
My sister once gave me a birthday card that said pretty much that.
It said something like -
"If you didn't know how old you were, how old would you be?"

I think I'm 36!
Hahahahahahahaha!
No, seriously.
36.

I do know that I appear younger than my age.
I get that all the time.
I contribute that to three things.
#1. Genes. My Dad looked way younger than he was until one day he didn't.
and
#2. It's my nose. I have a Sally Field type of nose.
and
#3 Fat. Extra weight plumps out the wrinkles.

Also, I like things from NOW.

I think that helps keep a person young at heart.

To be open to new things.
I like the current music.
Sure, I love some of the old stuff but I like new stuff too.
I hate when people my age, scoff and talk about the good old days.
There WERE some really GREAT old days
but I hate when people act as though the good times are behind them.
I hate when I hear "I'm too old for that".
I've caught myself saying something similar to it.
But it's because I'm tired, not because I'm old.

OK, ok. Maybe my joints and things hurt a little bit more now but...
I work with young people who complain more than I do about their aches and pains.

So... I'm hating putting a number on myself.
When I hear my new number, I'm shocked!
How can this be?

I've decided not to put things off any longer though.
This year I'm going to try to push myself out of my comfort zone,
which is ironic since I've been working so hard at creating my own little private sanctuary.

But I'm going to start putting myself first, or try to anyway.
I'm going to do it in small ways.
Today I actually bought some nail polish that I wanted.
Of course it's the cheaper brand ($1.66) but it's this lovely shade of blue.

seriouslyswatched.com

Not really navy and with a hint of lavender.
and I'm not too old for it!
I also picked out some lip stain ($4.79) from Burt's Bees.
It all totally up to less than $10.00 but I felt so extravagant!

and finally, I'm going to share what I did for myself that is BIG!
Well, to me it's big.
When I first heard this news of my old friend being sick,
when the reality of mortality hit me again.

We all need to treasure the time we have

And to be Happy!
I started to think about what made ME happy in the past.
Maybe not what would make another person happy but Me.
I wanted to start enjoying my life.
Then I got an idea but I didn't have the cash and that's when The Universe stepped in!

I never get tipped at work.
Well, I used to... by two different ladies who boarded their dogs with me
but both of those dogs have passed away now.
There was one year someone gave my hand lotion and gloves for Christmas!
but I don't get tipped like the Groomer at work does.
She pulls in a lot of cash everyday!
She has a tip jar stuffed with $5 and $10's!
She doesn't even know some of the pets names and yet some of them I have cared for,
for several weeks and fretted about their eating and playing with them and .... nothing.
Oh well!

So when I got my idea, a sweet older couple returned to pick up their 3 little dogs who had boarded with me for a couple of weeks
and they handed me an envelope.
I get cards all the time but this one had CASH in it!
I was so surprised and HAPPY.
That set it in motion.
Then I sold 3 painting/photos at work and that decided it!

I took my Lowes giftcards that I got from my step-mom and my sister for Christmas.
(I wanted to buy a cool faucet for the kitchen sink with them)
but instead I used them to buy fence pickets!
I already had the posts and had purchased the cement last Fall but never put the posts up yet.
I just couldn't figure out where I wanted the fence.
But now I had a plan!
I put in the posts and built the fence.
Then I leveled the yard behind it.
That about killed me.
The heat index was close to 100 that weekend but I had to get it done.
I actually had a 3 day weekend off! The Fourth of July weekend
and I was outside working hard for most of it.

Finally it was done.
Then I used all my money.
My money from the card, the painting money
and I bought a pool that I found on clearance!!!!
It's not huge but it's not tiny either.
The water comes to my waist and I can float on a raft
and I can swim three strokes across it.
Or swim like a goldfish around the side.
I'm out there splashing and paddling and I'm loving it SO much that it's ridiculous!

The other night I came home exhausted.
I let the dogs out on the patio and they laid on their chaise lounges
while I paddled around on the raft reading my book.
Then I laid on my back and just floated.
I felt like I was almost meditating.
After a while I gathered up my stuff and went in and feed the dogs and felt so much better.

Yep, I'm going to concentrate on just being Happy
and believing The Universe will help me find a way!
and I'm going to forget this age thing.
Not because I'm denying it
or want to pretend I'm younger than I am
but because I don't want it to define me.

So yeah, it's my birthday
but Whatever!

OH NO! HOW CAN THIS BE?

So, Sunday was Ping's birthday. I stated that she was 2
but today at work I looked at her records and she's 3!
Oops!
And then my Poppy, who I've told everyone is 4.... Well, she's actually 6! 
Now I'm wondering, maybe I'm not 37?

ANONYMOUS comment, LYING and being INCREDIBLY SAD.

source

Anyone who monitors comments before publishing them probably has a lot of comments in their email from Anonymous.

It's kinda frightening how you can Google something and then you get some weird link in an email.

Not too long ago I Googled Tramadol. I actually just wanted to know that I was spelling it right.

(Tramadol is a pain medication used for dogs and I was sharing texts with someone and wanted to make sure of the spelling).

So, I've been getting strange anonymous comments on past posts in regards to Tramadol. I never click on them, I don't want a virus on my computer,
but sometimes the title of a particular post that I wrote, makes me want to go back and read it and see what I was writing about.

This morning the post that the comment linked to was:

http://oldblackcatboo.blogspot.com/2011/09/its-been-ugly-week.html

So I click on it and saw that it was from THREE years ago.

.............after reading it I thought, what the Hell is the matter with me?

Let me explain.

Thursday I was called into The Office.

Closed doors.

and told that apparently several people had said that I had looked at someone's paycheck and gone around the clinic and told everyone this person's wage.

I was in shock.

WTF? I mean Seriously.

Its always an effort for me to be "social" to some of these women and now this?

I did not do this thing, I was in shock and I quickly stated the I swore on Blue's life that it was not true.

ANYONE that knows me, knows that he is my most precious.

The fact that I could be fired over such a thing, made me sick.

and I do love my job.

I said to her that while I hadn't done this crime, I did know this person's wage because "Jane Doe" had come back to my work area for the specific reason to let me know that she had looked at the check on purpose and then said the wage.

So, without going into major detail, she was confronted again and AGAIN said she had heard it from ME.

Then apparently these OTHER people when asked again, said they had heard nothing from me but just from HER

and SHE had said I told her.

OK. Now I'm going to sound mean but I don't care.

This "Jane Doe" is a loud selfish little troll of a person that has no friends.

Everyone just puts up with her.

She is always repeating stories and embellishing them, inserting herself into them and making herself the hero.

Everything is always about HER.

When my one friend, a co-worker lost her little old dog and was so upset, she interrupted to say she knew exactly how she felt

because when HER dog had been sick and blah, blah blah.

Yeah, her dog had been sick and THEN got well and my friend's dog had DIED.

This same "Jane Doe" had also yelled across the clinic a very offense remark to my niece that was not true.

Supposedly she was talked to about that but there was never any apparent action taken and no apology.

So, because I am incredibly STUPID, I still talked to her and was kind to her.

Maybe it's because I always feel sorry for the Underdog?  or that I just try to consider the source and move past it.

But now I've had my integrity questioned and one thing I am NOT, is a liar.

I even stated such. In fact there have been times in my life where I got myself into trouble because I wouldn't lie.

So I was then asked if I was willing to do a meeting with "Jane Doe",  this woman, who I been a friend to

and the Doctor would moderate us.

I said "Gladly!".

The next day we meet and before we had begun "Jane Doe" said she wanted to first apologize to me

and then turned to tell the Doctor she was sorry she had lied to her.

We were kinda stunned that she finally admitted to it.

The Doctor was surprised as she had anticipated an ugly argument.

But I said that I was very hurt and that she had lost my trust.

To make a long story short, she was talking and laughing later in the afternoon.

and me?

I'm sorry but I don't believe in forgiving and forgetting.

I don't believe that I need to "forgive" for my own piece of mind and let it go.

This is a woman who loved on my Blue and who said if anything ever happened to me,

she would fix up her spare room for him to live in and now THIS?

She could have gotten me fired for her lie.

I have put up with a lot at this job, people who think I have it SO easy.

Yeah, I'd like to see them do my job day in and day out in all kinds of weather, dealing with dog poop stomped all over the kennel bars on the door and over the walls in the mornings and sometimes aggressive dogs and dogs who have so some many special needs.

I do this job week after week. Year after year and

These people grumble about the occasional dirty cage they must clean!

I have a lot of clients tell me that they only come and leave their pets because of me.

That if I wasn't there, they would find someone else.....and it's because I do TRULY love their animals.

I worry that if they go somewhere else, they won't be cared for properly.

and Of course I do have some wonderful days.

Days when I'm so happy being outside and caring for favored boarders.

To me, that's a balance but to others that's all they see and think it's easy.

This has hit me HARD.

It's weakened my spirit and made me question everything.

My life, my job, my future, where I live, everything.

And yet life goes on and that Troll walks around laughing her loud offensive laugh.

I can't leave this job

I have too much debt and I need the back-up of vet care for all my pets.

And... I have put so much time and energy into this.

I've gone from the old kennel at the old location where I dragged hoses up a hill

and had water buckets that would freeze and I was working in my winter coat.

Now at this new building, the work set up is so much better.

And I could be SO happy if I was just left alone.

On top of this, I turned 57 last week.

FIFTY-SEVEN. A friend of mine exclaimed that it's almost 60!

She kept saying that she couldn't believe I was so old and

told me I should be thankful that I didn't look it....

(I have some great friends don't I! )

and I don't feel like what I think 57 would be

but my life is certainly not as I had thought it would be at this point.

I didn't think I would be picking up dog poop with a knife in my back.

Yeah...lots to think about and figure out.

Sadly, nothing that could be done immediately.

I feel like a prisoner  digging a tunnel out with a spoon....

And several of my pets are very old.

Rosie is in sad shape...she's 15 and I don't want to think about that,

much less talk about it.

I guess maybe when most of them are gone

and I don't have to worry about caring financially for so many....

God, isn't that nice? That I have to think about them DYING to be free of this crap.

I'm so sad.

I could be happy doing what I do and doing things I love when I get home but,

to think that there was the possibility of people just thinking this about me and not being able to defend myself.

To lose my livelihood or have the Doctors just believe her and question my character and look down on me.

And then...I read the post that Anonymous left a comment on

from 3 years ago and remember that I was dealing with such mean hatefulness back then.

Truly, what the Hell is wrong with me?

I need to stop being complacent and figure this out.

But I'm NOT forgiving.

I'm not a Pollyanna or a Liar.

and to say I Forgive her would be a Lie.

source

So, last Thursday was my Birthday....

Thursday was my birthday

and you know what? it was fine.

I had to work and the temps were around 100 degrees and I'm not even sure what the heat index was.

The boarding kennel is full, more than full, which means little dogs in cat kennels...

It was exhausting. Lots of rowdy drooling big dogs that refused to listen 

and little dogs that kept peeing on their bedding.

But actually it was a good day.

Good because although I can NOT believe the age that I am.

I'm OK with it.

I realize that it IS only a number.

because I don't feel like what I envision when I think of someone my age.

And I'm basically pretty happy.

I have a job where it's pretty much my own show.

I run it and I make sure the work gets done and I'm not micro-managed by my boss.

He lets me do my thing.

I write the schedule and if it's slow, I can leave.

Of course if someone is sick or needs the day off, I have to work it but it all evens out.

sort of.

And I've been working on my Art.

The Mid-Coast Art Gallery put out a Call for Entry and...I'm going to try to get in.

I'm still working on my kid's book.

I was watching a video of Dallas Clayton the other day (LOVE HIM)

and he said he wrote his first book in a HALF HOUR!

But it took him 6 months to illustrate it.

That made me feel much better.

It took me much longer to write mine and I'm not sitting down and illustrating it full time like he was.

I'm doing it in fits and starts. Which means scribbling and crumpling up paper and tossing it.

I haven't got it right yet. But I know in my "mind" what I want it to look like.

I'll get there.

I've been working a lot inside my house, although nothing is done.

The yard, well... I'd rather not talk about THAT.

It's scary out there and Hot and Humid.

There is a battle going on out there between the flowers and the weeds

and I just go out nightly and hose them all down.

Which brings me to my raised vegetable garden.

Stuff is green and growing but I'll be lucky to have anything by Fall except for the lettuce. 

THAT is looking good.

I must agree with Robin (super fabulous artist).

Next year I will just do the Farmer's Market thing and buy fresh.

And supporting local farmers, (always a good thing).

I can use all those cinder blocks that I framed the garden with to make

this cool succulent garden wall thing that I saw on Pinterest!

Oh, and that reminds me.

I went for my annual check-up.

I don't know if you remember about the last time I went in and I had lost a good amount of weight

and all I got was grief and was told that my blood-work "numbers" were too high.

Well. I had my blood-work run again and several things had dropped.

In fact the only thing that didn't go down was my weight, that of course was UP.

I had a different doctor from last time and she said I must be doing something different, maybe exercising more?

I said that I was..."active".

I'm not sure what made the numbers drop, the only thing I had been doing different was NOT dieting

and eating a bowl of ice cream every night.

So, Life is Good....

and I feel like I'm 34.