Saturday, December 31, 2011


I was brought up to clean my plate. There were starving children in China who would be happy to have that food. I hadn't lived through the Depression, where you didn't know where your next meal was coming from. I didn't work hard all day to make a living to have food wasted. It didn't matter if I wasn't hungry or if I was suddenly FULL. I had to eat it all.
I distinctly remember the "Pancake" incident. Huge pancakes had been made. I eat 2 and felt like I was about to burst and then another was dropped onto my plate. I couldn't eat it. I felt sick.
I was ungrateful. It ended in a scene of tears and raised voices and someone locking themselves in their room for days. (Not me, I wasn't allowed such a luxury.)
My little sister sat there and watched it all in silence.
my sister and me
I suppose that's why her girls are allowed to snack just before a meal and pick at their dinner and walk away from half finished plates.
None of them have any weight issues.
While I have gone up and down and UP and down and up and up.
Wow, it's a wonder that I turned out normal.
Yeah, Yeah. I know. Kinda normal.
I mean they won't have to cut the door frame apart to get me out of the house but...
Maybe that's the reason that I've just spent the day eating all the crap in my cupboards and refrigerator..
I CAN'T throw it away and it's entirely too UNHEALTHY to feed to my pets.
So, I'm in a sugar coma. A lethargic zombie.
TOMORROW I will begin.
I will make a sincere effort to make it into old age. To stop fueling my body with junk that I wouldn't feed me dogs.
I'm cleaning house in between snacking. It's a mess.
Last night when I went to bed, laying there with Twinkle snuggled up next to me, I could feel my heart beating. At first I thought I was having a heart attack and then I thought - Oh God, not NOW. I don't want paramedics coming into this messy house.
And then I thought - I really have to start being healthy.
I blame this messiness on growing up where orderliness was more important than creativeness and being told not to waste paper when I wanted to draw.
I also blame it on having my possessions thrown away. On my mothers things being given away or just disappearing from the house and then living in such cold silent sterile environment.
I blame the hair on the steps and footstool on my furry kids and I blame THAT on the memory of my cat being thrown outside. Not for any reason except for being a cat. And when she wouldn't run away...watching her being DRIVEN away as I stood in the driveway sobbing.
(I can't tell you what I happened to my dog after that.
Someday, not today. Not strong enough to go there yet.
But then you would understand why I have my dogs....)
Maybe that's why I'm always drawn to the tale of Edie in Grey Gardens.
She started out normal.
But then she became a recluse, living in garbage and surrounded by cats.
Slippery slope.
I blame on the fact that when I finished high school, I wanted to go to College to major in English. I wanted to write.
I wanted to minor in Art. To learn all that I could. But I was living at home and told that I needed to forget such nonsense. I needed to learn typing and shorthand. So I went to a junior college.  I spent hours in the library when I should have been in class.  But a person doesn't have to go to College to learn things. I learned on my own, the things that were important to me.
and then I worked at a Bank. It sucked my heart and soul out of me.
I digress....
My nieces gave me some books at Christmas about Art and Art workshops and some Inktense watercolor pencils. I squealed in delight. I stated that I could happily stay in my house forever and never leave.
They said that's what I do NOW.
I'm thinking of Edie again.
Next year will be different. I won't let my past define me any longer. I will step out of my comfort zone.
Yep, no resolutions for me. Just to remember:


Georgina said...

Strong words from a very strong lady and no more thinking about Edie!!!

Have a great New Year...2012 is going to ROCK!!!!


sassypackrat said...

I really hope you can let go and move on, cause if you can then maybe I can too. I look forward to seeing lots of creative work from you next year!

Mary Helen-Art Saves Lives said...

God bless you for your honesty and strength...I have a hard time throwing out all the damn sweets but otherwise I am sure I will be the one to eat them. Ken ordered a exercise machine for the both of us this year... it does take a lot of courage to grow up ... Happy New Year to a witty, strong and wonderful woman. Peace, Mary Helen

An Urban Cottage said...

We're more alike than you can imagine. Same with the food. I remember sitting at the table over a plate of beets that made me gag. I sat there a cried until bedtime. I thought bedtime meant I was free from the beets. But there they were on the plate the next night. All because of those god damn kids in China.

I promised myself tomorrow will start a new journey.
This journey doesn't happen overnight. It's a process. But I think it can be done. We just need a little reprogramming.

I wish you bon voyage.

The Itsy Bitsy Spill said...

love your honesty my dear! I haven't been around much. Im sending you a warm air hug from here. Happy New Year 2012!

This new year will be lovely for you.

Anonymous said...

Personally I'm just lazy :-)and won't change anything about myself :-)

But I do hope You'll be successful in what ever You might do :-)

Have a great continuing of this new year!

Robin Kent said...

Just returning to blogland after spending the days before Thanksgiving through New Year's taking care of the TWO people closest to me at once. Compensation was living at my mother's house surrounded by her preference for sweets. I have no willpower when stressed and they call my name. Here's to the NEW year without tooo
much junk! Trying to keep it real...