Friday, July 4, 2014

I CAN'T FIND THE RIGHT WORD ...

aaaaaaah, I'm at a loss,
can't find the proper word.
A friend sent me an email the day after Ruby's passing while I was at work and asked me how I was doing  
and I answered back "FINE.... considering".
ok, THAT is not the right word, FINE... but,
I find grief is hard for other people to be around
so saying you are Fine is a good word.
I also told her that I just wishing I was at home
because it was exhausting to PRETEND to be OK.

She wrote back that she was sure that the people at work didn't expect me to pretend.
That they understood and were sympathetic.
I responded back to her that Yes, they were. 
That they all had been very kind and caring.
Very supportive. 
Very nice.
then I said...I guess that PRETEND wasn't the right word to use.
I couldn't find the right word to describe what I meant.
I wrote to her that I was searching for a word that meant
"Refraining from whimpering out-loud, non-stop".
Yeah, no reply to that email.
I told you, grief can be uncomfortable for other people.
So yeah, I'm fine.
And, in case you missed my thank you that I left on my prior post, 
TRULY...all the kind and compassionate comments/ condolences meant the world to me.
You are all the best.
XOXOXO

16 comments:

tammy j said...

there is so much we learn from them.
dogs.
every time i hear ignorant people say "it's just a dog" i want to quietly say ...
they are what should be the best in us and so often isn't.
they are loyal. simple. brave.
tiny ruby showed her courage each time she 'came back.'
it's okay to grieve. it has to be a permission we give our self.
and if the humans in your world do not understand that... then it's their own loss. and that's a far worse loss to have. a little bit of their soul is gone.
love dear heart.
to you and your furry ones.
xoxo♥

Cynthia Myers said...

Tammy,
Thank you!
xoxoxo

Vicki said...

Personally, I hate it when people ask me, "how am I doing", when I've experienced deep trauma or loss. As if they expect a report to gauge my mood, and that the reply should be a brighter one with each passing day.

The melancholy after the loss of a dearly loved furchild is never "better" anytime soon.
When my darling German Shepherd Kody, passed, it was many months before I could even begin to speak, let alone think, of him without dying inside.
I know I will go to a very dark place within, when my Jack goes :(

A true friend - or someone who understands the loss, won't ask. They'll just "be there" with a hug, a coffee, a bunch of flowers, a shoulder to cry on, and an unspoken look in their eyes that says, "I know, it'll take time, and I'm here".

I know most people are "well intentioned", and ask out of concern. But, only a true animal lover will understand the deep heart pain.

I wish I could come over and give you a hug, and hold you as you (then I) wept.
Crying from deep down inside one's being is cathartic. And, in the arms of someone who understands, is worth more than words can say.

Love to you ♥

CheerfulMonk said...

I love the Winnie the Pooh quote. It doesn't make grief less painful, but it gives it more meaning.

I'm sorry I'm so behind here. I'm already mourning my granddog Sammy. He still looks happy most of the time, but he is having more health problems. He may have passed away by the time Kaitlin and Torben drive out a year from now, and he's already twelve and a half.

My heart goes out to you.

CheerfulMonk said...

I sympathize with your having to be with other people when you need time to mourn. I hope the weekend helped some.

Cynthia Myers said...

Vicki,
Thank you so much. You totally get it. When I lost my Maddie, my Golden...I would burst into tears every time a Golden Retriever with her coloring came into the clinic.(she was a deep red) and even to this day as I start to write about her, I tear up. She was truly my soulmate dog. I had other dogs but she had my heart. Shortly afterwards a woman I knew had a purebred Brussels that accidentally mated with a pure Papillon and she needed a home for the pup it produced so she gave me my "Ruby".
Maybe because Ruby came into my life at that time, it created an instant love. I love all my dogs but she was truly special.
Some dogs (and cats, hence the name of my blog) just leave a deeper wound on the heart). I can NOT even let my mind go to the day I lose Blue, oh god, I hardly can type those words.
I am lucky to have me niece Lily though. She was at the clinic and by my side the whole time. Later, when my sister called and then also a friend, offering to come over I declined. But then Lily just showed up with ice cream and we sat and talked and then gave two of my little ones baths and trimmed nails and then we moved furniture! LOL! yes, strange but oddly comforting. I'm lucky to have someone who so understands.
I'm lucky to have you! I'm lucky to have so many people that I've never met but still understand me better than people I see daily.
Thank you. xoxoxoxoxox

Cynthia Myers said...

Jean,
It is hard to think about the limited time we have with our pets. Seeing Sammy on your video with his boots is very sweet and knowing now of his health issues, makes it bittersweet to watch.
The weekend has been a bit helpful in the fact that I could spend time out in the yard (pulling those damn weeds) and sort of just going into a "zone" and meditating as I did the repetitive chore.
Thanks so much for your kind words! xoxo

Patty said...

Moving the furniture, oh yes, I had
to do that when Big Dog died. I kept
seeing him in his favorite napping
spots. I feel for people who don't
allow dogs full entry into their
hearts. And I'm richer for being a
dog person. You take good care. xo

Cynthia Myers said...

Patty,
Thanks so much for leaving this comment!
You get it. How it's necessary to change things up a bit, to make the routine a bit different.
The last few nights as I let the dogs outside to potty for the last time before bed, I find myself headed towards the cupboard to get Ruby's pills out and then I catch myself...little routines that tear at the heart.
But even though it hurts so much, I really feel bad for people who don't now that love of a pet.
"Pet"...that word doesn't sound right either. Sigh.
Thanks so much for commenting!
xoxo

thecottagebythecranelaketwo said...

I've stopped to ask how are You and instead I ask how bad is it, because it is always bad.

I'm lucky to work in a place where everybody has some kind of animal and we all know how hard it is when they've left us, so we need not to ask. We just let the person take his or her time to heal.

Christer.

Jan said...

It's hard to even read the comments. I can so relate to them all. And really, when people ask "how are you doing?" possibly they just don't know what to say but don't want to entirely ignore the fact that they know you are grieving. At least they are trying! I am embarrassed that I sent you those silly photos of my weeds infringing on my doorway, that was before I know of Ruby's passing. This is the hardest part of having pets, or one of the hardest parts. Go ahead and cry all you want. It does help. hugs from Jan and lots of face licks from my little Roscoe.

Nita Stacy said...

I'm so sorry that I didn't know! I know I have walked around work crying and I know it made people uncomfortable but I did not care. Let me know if there is anything I can do. She was such a precious one.

Cynthia Myers said...

Christer,
I'm doing ok. I saw some people yesterday that I haven't seen for a while and when I was asked "What's new with you?" I just said "Oh, just the same old same old." (Do you have that same saying over in Sweden?) anyway. I just kinda smiled and shrugged when I just wanted to blurt out everything about Ruby.
So... I guess it's still kinda "bad"...but I know that time will help if not heal.
Thanks for checking in on me!
xoxo

Cynthia Myers said...

Oh Jan!
I meant to respond to those photos.
They were very funny and you didn't know, so please don't feel embarrassed.
I actually had clematis creep into my porch one year and felt guilty ripping them out.
To be honest those damn weeds of mine have a bit of a help to me this weekend by leaving me exhausted enough to sleep. (Although I am only about halfway done pulling them out!)

I realize that people are just trying to be polite and acknowledge what happened and I do appreciate it. It's better than people totally ignoring me. It's just hard and I know that right now I'm super sensitive about it.
Luckily I have a houseful to keep me busy and my cat Harry has been all over me non-stop this weekend. I think he knows I need a little bit extra attention right now because every time I sit down he runs over and literally wraps his paws around my neck and rubs his face against mine.
Give that little Roscoe some extra kisses from me! and Thanks for such a sweet comment!
xoxo

Cynthia Myers said...

Nita,
I actually thought about you and Newman right afterwards.
I was thinking how maybe Ruby had "episodes" as a way of preparing me for her final day.
I know that if she went suddenly and without warning I would not be handling it as well as I am.
Yes, maybe all those scares were her way of easing me into losing her.
Does that make sense?
I don't think I'm making much sense lately.
Just kinda rambling here on the blog and saying what I can't say out loud in everyday life.
Thank god for all my Blogger friends who lift me up and are holding my hand through this heartbreak.
XOXOXO

thecottagebythecranelaketwo said...

We do have a very similar saying, it's the same old song :-)

Christer.