Wednesday, October 22, 2014

MY HOUSE

My home.
A port from life's daily storms.
Sometimes I will post tiny snippets of it
but I never share the whole thing.
Part of the reason is because I do want to keep it private but
mostly because it's far from being "done" and definitely doesn't measure up to the homes on my blog feed.
I'm slowly working on it but it's taking me forever.
It's due to lack of money and also time.
I work a physically demanding job and when I come home, I don't always feel like working on the house.
So it's taking me YEARS.
I know some people aren't concerned with such things 
but I'm obsessed with decor and design.
It's obviously not because I'm trying to impress people
because I basically don't let many people inside my home.
I know it's for myself, my own satisfaction and  the feeling of peace as I step inside the door to my private space.

Lately I feel like it's creating me stress.
Stress, because I've been a bit overwhelmed emotionally lately
(I'll share at a later date)
and it's been a struggle to just maintain order.
And also I'm having stress because I have a friend I recently reconnected with, after decades
and who wants to come to my home. 
I've said we should meet up for lunch but this friend is constantly requesting to meet Ghost
and Blue and....
asking how many pets I have 
and.....
I don't feel like it's mean spirited at all but it's freaking me out.
I've seen images of this person's home
and I'm thinking I could fit my house into the foyer of hers.
and...I don't want to be judged, critiqued or whatever.
I'm not saying she would necessarily judge me but we are now from two entirely different worlds.
This is my refuge, my safe place
and I don't need the pressure.
Some day I hope to have my house to a point that I won't be self conscious about every little thing
but it's not there yet.
I've tried to nicely convey my thoughts
and truly I don't understand why there is such a need to come here.
I've had been working hard on my home
but right now I just want to stop.
Relax and mess it up with art stuff.

It's nice that technology has enabled us to reconnect with people from our pasts
but hermits like me, are hermits for a reason.
That being said...
I love having people like my niece Lily over.
She comes over and flops down in my big chair and chats.
She opens my refrigerator and doesn't comment on the items inside but just grabs some cheese to munch on.
She eats the Halloween candy that's sitting on the shelf with my art supplies and
she looks at things I'm working on and gets excited.
She joins me on the patio and helps me scoop poop
and plays with my dogs.
She doesn't seem to notice that I still have sample paint colors painted on the wall in the kitchen
or that the bathroom still doesn't have the wallpaper done.
I've had other people who have come over and asked me to put my dogs outside
as they excitedly jump up. I've told them that my dogs are just happy to see them and will settle down in a minute
but I can feel my shoulders tense tight and I feel uncomfortably as their eyes scan around the room taking in the chaos.
I hear myself explaining how I'm doing laundry or working on a project or.....
The thing is, when you live in a teeny tiny house where when you walk in and you are instantly in the living room that turns into the kitchen that turns into the laundry room...
Well, yeah. It's all THERE
right in front of you.
Sigh....

So that's just a tiny bit of the stress that's been bugging me.
I'm tired of it.
I'm tired of defending why this or that isn't done.
I'm tired of saying I have no extra dollars.
I'm tired of having no energy.
I'm tired of people feeling sorry for me.
I'm tired of feeling like I must spend my time on projects on the home when I just want to work on my art/books.
and I'm REALLY tired of people asking how many pets I have and making jokes that I live in a zoo.
All my pets are very well cared for.
I make sure they have what they need even if it means I buy the special food for them and eat cereal for myself.
Besides, I love cereal.

It's easy for me to complain here but hard for me to convey that to the people who don't even realize how much their comments and requests stress me out.
So... I'm really thinking hard about how to deal with THIS
because I have some OTHER things going on that I have to figure out too.
My usual method is to pull out my big scissors and cut the ties, the strings that reach out to tie up my thoughts.

OK, I've got that off my chest!
and here's a photo I found over HERE.

Funny that I love white so much but this just jumped out and grabbed me.
It's how I truly want my home to be.
Warm, safe, comfortable and private....
and no concerns about keeping up with the Joneses, or whoever.

18 comments:

tammy j said...

i would be another lily come to visit.
i would sit in the floor and let them climb all over me. and hope for kisses. and nudges from gentle blue... "i'm here too."
beloved blue.

your post reminds me that i'm a happy hermit too. i prefer the word hermit to recluse. there is something cozy and content and lovely about being a hermit.
it's always been my nature.
no doubt one strong reason i never remarried after bob died.

it's odd. i do like people. genuinely. and ...
i'm social when i have to be. and now that i no longer have to work at a job... where i MUST be around people... (even though unlike you i was blessed with people i came to love) ... still..
i sometimes have to just MAKE myself go out of the wren house! that's how happy i am at home here now. i'm never bored.

the japanese have a wonderful way of looking at it i think.
their homes are almost ...
no... they ARE ... sacred to them.

they ALL accept and respect that.
they do their entertaining always out at a restaurant or park or whatever. everyone does!
such a nice civilized arrangement!
homes are not for show and tell.
they are for US. the person who is sheltered there.

and the bits i've seen of yours...
well. i love it. i could call it home easily. the picture of the other one in this post is wonderful too. you can tell what it's for. LIVING!

if this is a REAL friend...
try telling her exactly what's in this post and in your heart.
if she's a real friend... she'll understand.
if not... it's her loss.
xoxo♥

Ellen said...

Hello..It's almost as if you have got into my head and read it, as you are expressing a lot of what I am going through at the moment....and I truly understand.
I live in a 38ft caravan ( would be called a trailer in your country) with some others in the country and my "sitting room" is actually my art work room with a token sofa and TV....although I don't seem to get much art done as I am always trying to improve the place or the garden with projects to make things look better.
Most of my friends have large homes, take holidays and all sorts whilst I seem to be constantly in the red....or near it.
However I love my little home and where I'm at but seem to be constantly fighting mental battles with myself over it....my home is a 1968 caravan....so are my neighbours, but they are couples and have managed to put in double glazing, apex roofs and forest chalet type cladding.
My money has always seemed to go on things like vets bills and broken electrical appliances.....
I have just finished 6 months of chemotherapy after surgery too....
However, I am glad to be over that and glad to be alive....even though it seems to have messed my head up !!!
I understand.


Cynthia Myers said...

Thank you Tammy for such a thoughtful comment.
I have to be honest about Blue though.
He doesn't gently nudge. Instead he gets very excited and gallops around like a pony and that sets all the other dogs off to barking. Blue only acts like that when someone comes over to HIS house and that triggers everyone else to go crazy. Blue even embarrassed my sister, which is quite a feat as nothing usually embarrasses her. Once when she was over he got so worked up that he bounded over to her, wrapped his front legs around her waist and slammed her into the wall. He definitely wanted to show her his "love"! After that incident I have to hold him back and get him to calm down before letting him greet people.
Speaking of my sister, her home is like a magical world. People come to her house and actually stay the weekend or longer! Her husband usually has a fire going in the fireplace and they always have lots of food and beverages. Yep, the complete opposite of my home. But then again my downstairs fits into her living room.

And I too am very social at work. I'm always making jokes and talking but...I truly would prefer to be home with my animals.
Thanks again for your advice and if my newly found again friend pushes it too much more, I'll share my thoughts.
XOXO

tammy j said...

oh blue! LOLOLOL.
i'm sorry. but i can't help but laugh.
galloping like a pony... and knocking your sister against a wall.
nothing like blatant galloping love to fill the room! LOLOL.
makes me love him all the more!

Cynthia Myers said...

Oh Ellen!
Thank you so so much for commenting!
I'm so sorry to hear what you've gone through. How awful but I'm so glad to read that it is over. My mother went through surgery and radiation and chemo but that was 43 years ago and thank god advances have been made.
Once again, I'm so happy that you won over cancer.
How wide is your Caravan? The trailers here are either single or double wide.
My house is actually only 31 feet long and 15 feet wide in the kitchen and laundry room but in the living room, the stairs take up 3 feet. Although I do have an upstairs. Thank god for that! LOL!
It does seem that we have much in common. My friends and family all go on nice vacations and have big houses but hey, at least I have my animals and I can do things on my own schedule. Yes, there are definitely pluses but it would be nice to be able to hire someone to just come to my house and fix, remodel and take care of things!
Oh well!
And yes, it's great to be alive and healthy!
Thanks again for commenting and letting me know that I'm not alone on this!
:)

denise said...

If this woman is truly a friend, she will not judge you. I get the anxiety, believe me, I have it with my best friends, but they don't care, we have great visits and I've learned to get over my self-consciousness. Most of the time ;)

In the past few years, for situations like this I ask myself, "if I was on my death bed, would it matter?" We get caught up in this, the internet surfing certainly doesn't help things.

A long while ago I read something about the French and how they use things even when they are broken. That what you have isn't what's important. Today I was reading a post on Remodelista that reiterated that fact. They are interested in living life, living with simple things and using things that bring them joy, even if they are not perfect.

As far as your friend that asks you to put your dogs outside... f* 'em. She came to your house knowing you had dogs. If any of my friends asked me to do that, I would know they are not truly a friend and I would probably say at this point in my life..."no, I don't think so, but you can go outside."

Cheerful Monk said...

I'm a hermit too --- a friendly hermit. That's why I call myself Cheerful Monk. Our apartment isn't fancy, but it's 1000 square feet. Plenty big enough for my husband and myself.

I think blogging is made for people like us. :)

We lived in France for 13 months years ago, and they too, don't socialize at home. That struck me as being a very wise idea.

Christer. said...

If people wants tocome over and shows they don't like it how You have it at home, just tell them to go to hell and throw them out!

I've done it to my mother and she sure knows not to complain about anyones home any more :-)

Have a great day!
Christer.

Cynthia Myers said...

Denise,
First, Thank you so much for commenting!
I've still been dwelling on this and maybe it even has more to do with me not wanting people to see my space and feel sorry for me. I hate that feeling, that "poor Cindi" look. I have a very good friend, a sweet person that always worries about me and gets tears in her eyes when I talk about any problems. So I've stopped talking about them. Whenever she stops by, she's full of suggests on what I could do to improve and while she's doing it out of concern, I'd once again rather have no one over.
I'm a fourth French! Maybe that's why I live with broken things! LOL!
Right now my little TV has a broken on/off button so I must use the remote and because of Jimmy Chew, I have a big hairband wrapped around it to keep it together and I have to squeeze the top of it to make it work.
Jeez, I don't think it's good for me to dwell on what exactly is broken!
And I agree about that friend. My dogs come first.

Cynthia Myers said...

Jean,
Your apartment is bigger than my house!
But I don't have to share it with another person and their things.
:)
Just my critters.

Yes, I do think blogging is perfect for us hermits! LOL!and of course I get smirks from friends over that too.

I like to socialize away from home too because then it's so nice to come home and relax.
Thanks for commenting!

Cynthia Myers said...

Christer,
LOL!
I will do that!
Hahahahahahaha!
Actually when someone once commented about all my animals I told her that I'd rather have a house full of crazy critters than live with HER husband.
That shut her up!
LOL!

Christer. said...

:-) :-) :-)

Nita Stacy said...

My house is a mess and I won't let anyone in past the living room dining room at the moment and they are messed up too. Usually those two rooms are good but I started painting the dining room and have not finished and am tired of things in the living room and moved them and then didn't know what to do with the thing I moved. No place to put it.

I constantly struggle with laundry. I have no room to do it in. I wish I had a laundry room instead of a laundry closet. I know exactly how you feel. Everyone else seems to stay organized...but not me. Although I was much better when I lived in a place with more than two usable closets.

Jan said...

I tell people who come here, if you don't want pet hair on your clothes, don't sit on my furniture. I understand your reluctance to be judged but also, as one of your other commenters said, if your friend is a true friend she won't care what your house looks like. My house would fit into my brother's bedroom! But I wouldn't trade my messy dirty comfy house for his huge mansion if you paid me. Your home is your castle, guard it! But do you really need a moat? I hope you can reduce your stress over this and enjoy your friendship.

Ellen said...

Hello again in Cynthia :)

My caravan is a single, 38ft long and somewhere between 10-12ft wide, and when I first moved into it I made excuses for a long time when friends wanted to come as for some stupid reason I felt that somehow I must have failed if all I could live in is a caravan! It took a very dear friend to just arrive unexpectedly on purpose to shake me out of this, and miraculously all my REAL friends that come seem to think that I am the lucky one, living simply and apparently living "My art"! Most of my stuff is ancient, and much broken...I either dress from thrift shops or make my own things for me and the home, and this is by choice as I cant stand the boring, badly made clothing in the shops ( cant afford it either :) I also have French Ancestors so maybe this explains a lot.
8 weeks ago I buried the last of my three beautiful boy cats, William...he was 18 and a half, it was lovely black Sooty last year, and Teddy before him.....I've just taken on a little rescue cat Tara, who is 11 but thinks she is 2 and she's settling well....her owner got dementia and forgot to feed her, so she still needs some weight on, and she also had a flea infestation before she came to me from the rescue charity, which has left her skin itchy and bumpy....hoping this will sort itself out over the next week or so, and I shall give her another treatment this weekend, but if it doesn't clear I will get her vet checked in case it's an allergy.
We can enjoy our animals, and a simple life, which is how it was meant to be....anyone who will judge your home and not respect your animals need not visit....it's time we enjoyed what we have ( even though it might not be what the world thinks is much) because at least it is real...and paid for :D
Ellen x

Cynthia Myers said...

Nita,
If I remember right, you don't have a basement do you? That space helps me out quite a bit. I'm able to store some stuff and put the cat boxes down there.
I think besides the smallness of my space I, just like you, always have so many projects going on and tons of laundry.
I suppose I'd have less laundry if I didn't wash all the pets stuff constantly but I am a stickler about having their things clean.
I went to an Open House a few weeks back (why? I don't know) but I found the perfect house where I could come in and out the back door from a nice yard and go to a big finished basement that had a room for my art stuff and a huge laundry room and a TV/Rec room (dog area).
I could contain the "mess" from critical eyes and have a nice tidy area upstairs...sigh.
Truly, I don't know why I do that to myself!



Cynthia Myers said...

Jan,
A moat! LOL! That might be the answer.
With an old bridge that I crank up when I see someone coming!
HAHAHAHAHA!
But seriously, thank you.
I'm trying not to dwell on this but for some stupid reason, I'm obsessed.
I agree about a mansion, I would never want some huge monster of a house! I'd just like another room or two or maybe just a different layout.
Sigh.
Thanks again! xoxo

Cynthia Myers said...

Ellen,
Thanks for coming back and commenting again!
I don't own my house, the bank does! LOL! but you are right, I hope to have it paid off in less than 10 years and because it's small, the property taxes aren't too bad.
Maybe it's because of my Dad and how he would demand perfection as we grew up. (I wasn't allowed to leave for school if my bed wasn't made and my room tidy) and he would make mean comments about people with messy lives. Yep, I'm sure that's a major part of it but also, even though I know a friend isn't a true friend if they judge me, I hate that feeling, that feeling of being criticized.
I too, get a lot of my clothes from Goodwill! I go there because I'm able to get really well made clothes for less than $5.00 a piece! I go to the one that's located down the hill from an extreme wealthy neighborhood and these people drop off stuff that sometimes still have the tags on it!
I love it!
But I do buy my own shoes. I've learned that I must spend the dollars on good shoes or my feet pay the price working on concrete floors.
Thanks again for commenting.
Truly, all the comments I've received are really helping me cope!
xoxo