Talking to my Dad and Letting Go of a Dream.

So I was talking to my Dad the other day,

which some might find kinda weird since he passed away almost 20 years ago.

But I think some people do that. Talk to someone in their head.

I mean he started the conversation....or maybe it was my sub-conscious.

But, well. Anyway!
I was thinking about a little place that I drive by every morning.

It used to be an office space for a heating/cooling company but then it was for rent one day.

My sister called me and told me that she had seen a sign on the window.

She knew that I always had this fantasy of having a little shop in this area.

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The place is located in the back of a building that houses a coffee/sandwich shop on the front end.

The space for rent has a picture window with an awning and another one on the other side at the back of the shop which people would walk past when they went into the coffee shop by the back entrance.
It's small but perfect.
So I had called just to satisfy my curiosity and found that rent was month to month for $500.

Not expensive but still out of my reach while living paycheck to paycheck.

So it is now rented and they are selling electronic cigarettes out of it..........

(I'm wondering how many cigarettes you would have to sell to make rent.)

My shop idea is something that I've toyed with doing for many years.

I'm full of IDEAS. 

I remember posting about wanting to have an alpaca farm. HERE

Doesn't that sound like Heaven too?

and the time that I had the booth at the antiques/collectibles mall HERE

and how I filled the vet clinic with my paintings and prints HERE

where I've only sold 3 pieces so far

and I am still very much in the red on that one.

Sigh...

What is wrong with me? Jeez, I annoy myself.

So RIGHT NOW I'm am working on my Kanga book and doing little bits and pieces on my BLUE book

and then yesterday as I was driving to work, thinking about the SHOP IDEA again.

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I heard my Dad's voice in my head telling me to

"Knock it off! Stop going off in another direction AGAIN and stay on course!".

I thought to myself  that yeah, that's what he WOULD say.

That and to keep my focus and energy on track. 

Not to get side-tracked...

and to clean my damn house!

Of course thinking about that, I could feel myself getting irritated
and my neck muscles stiffening up thinking how he'd say -

"Get rid off all that stuff that you are hanging onto! If you haven't used it yet, get rid of it or sell it."

That would be my Dad, no sugar coating it.

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We had a bumpy relationship.

When I was little, he was mostly a stranger that worked all the time and 

then after my Mom passed...it was awful.

He got rid of everything

including my pets.
I can't even type the words about my dog
or I will start to sob...
so, I loved him but also HATED him.
A lot.

But years later after I was grown and out on my own
and he mellowed with age,

we became very close.

It got to the point where he said that I was honestly his best friend.

and I would call him about EVERYTHING.

Suddenly we clicked and got along.

If I was struggling with a decision, I would call him and he'd always say -

"Let me think about it."

He would think my idea through and we would talk about it.

We still disagreed on things, but it was nice to have someone who really listened and thought about it.

He had no regard for my Art and was always more concerned with whether my house was spotless or not.

But even though I had a boyfriend and lots of friends and he had my step-mom, 

we would still depend on one another to talk about our feelings and fears.

Yep. were very good friends

He was retired and had a little part-time job to keep busy but he would come to my house and putter around

but he always made me pay for every little thing.

That was just the way he was. 

He didn't believe in hand-outs. He had grown up during the Depression

If he picked up something for my house, he'd give me the receipt and ask for the money and count out the change.

That was my Dad.

At the time, I only had 2 dogs and everyday while I was at work he'd stop over and let them out at lunch time.

He would say "Don't you worry about those dogs!"

Many times he'd leave me a note."You need to scrub out that sink" or "I like your new rug".

One of the reasons that I originally got my house (besides the low dollar amount and great neighborhood factor),

was the fact that I could walk my dogs easily to his house.

I'd go over and he'd come out and we would sit on the patio and watch the dogs run in his big backyard.

He had a little dog who would run after the tennis ball until she was exhausted.

Dad liked to throw it up on the roof of his ranch home and his dog would run sideways, back and forth

and wait for it to roll down and drop to the ground.

Dad would LAUGH and say that "She could do that all day!"

Yep, after all these years.

I can still hear his voice...

and know what his opinion would be on everything.

He'd be brutally honest with his opinions.

In fact I'm currently ignoring his comments in my head about my cats.

He never liked cats.

He let me have one when I was young and then changed his mind and got rid of her.

She was a very good little cat, never doing anything wrong except for the fact that she was a cat.

I won't dwell on that.

Or I will be very mad at him again....

and I've worked hard to let go of that anger.

But now, you kinda see why I am like I am.

But just quickly here -

The shop idea. Brick and Mortar versus Etsy.

The idea is of a little place to go to where you flip the open sign.

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A place where I could sell fresh cut flowers from my garden and little bags of organic catnip.

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A place where an old rescued dog sleeps behind the counter

and an ancient cat lays on a shelf.

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Yep, that fantasy of holding Saturday afternoon "Story Hours" where my niece Maggie would sit in the middle of a circle of little kids sitting on brightly colored painted chairs and read.

Reading beautifully illustrated books that held wonderful stories in their pages. 

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Maybe have a TUESDAY night, serving beverages, appetizers while creating.

It would be a night for adults to come and make stuff and chat.

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It would be a place with BIG windows that would hold magical displays

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and a fun painted door -

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There used to be a shop that I passed on my way home every night.

It was located on a corner, that had traffic lights.  I would pray for a red light so that I could sit and stare.

I wanted a shop like that.

But while the IDEA is perfect in my mind,  I realize the odds of success are VERY low.

I have to remember that time is fleeting and I can't do it all.

I must narrow it all down to what I want the most

and do that.

or I will have a million things going

but never get anything accomplished.

There is just not enough hours in the day.

And...I have to remember to just ENJOY.

Enjoy life and not to feel so frantic.

I'm remembering something else my Dad said to me.

He worked A LOT when I was little,

I mean, he would go to work in the morning and come home for lunch with my mom and then leave and be back for dinner.

And after dinner, he would leave again and work some more.

He was working hard to make a good life for him and my mom, that's what I was told.

So one day years later, while having one of our talks he told me -

"If I had known that your mother was going to become ill and die...I would have worked less and spent more time with her."

Yep, Life is what happens while you are busy making plans.

So, I'm going to let go of the SHOP dream

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and get rid off the stuff that I've accumulated, the things that are taking up space in the basement.

Wire racks, a pegboard display case and odds and ends meant for my shop idea.

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Yep, I'm cleaning house.

Dad would be Happy.