DEPRESSED.
I know I shouldn't be.
That it's very self-indulgent.
Things are better for me right now than they have been for quite a while..
My work load is lightening up.
A few vacation days are on the horizon.
I'm healthy.
I have a million creative ideas
and yet....
I've felt really
BUMMED OUT.
Usually when I felt like this, I started to count my blessings.
There are so many people out there with
REAL PROBLEMS
I mean, how dare I!?
In the past I would give myself a few days.
Just wait for the feeling to pass.
And I usually start researching things
and looking at images that make me happy and feed me creatively.
I'm not the most tolerant of self-pity
and those who prefer to embrace unhappiness.
Someone I know is always posting on Facebook
about how her life sucks and how everything happens to her
and she's exhausting.
I tried commenting and leaving her encouraging thoughts
but she's like -
"Nope, I'm miserable".
I just backed off and didn't bother to comment further
although I wanted to say -
"And that is how you will stay."
My own father suffered from depression
and let me say right now, I was not IN a depression.
Just "feeling" depressed and kinda down.
So yes, for me, time always helps
and SIGNS.
I always think that The Universe puts a sign, a message into my path
to take care of the feeling.
To motivate me, to make me
SNAP OUT OF IT!
So why was I feeling depressed?
Well, the usual things.
Things going wrong around the house.
Things breaking and the irritation of having to figure out how to fix them and pay for them.
Unexpected bills.
Just the stuff that life is made of
and the downside of being a responsible adult.
And other stuff.
Stupid stuff like dealing with clutter
SO. MUCH. CLUTTER.
and just making myself get rid of it.
I mean how stupid is that?
That clutter could overwhelm me
when in reality it's something that could be easily remedied.
Trash it or donate it or....
Put it in my booth, when I get my booth.
Is my booth a good idea?
Jeez, now after a long post about the excitement of getting a booth
I'm questioning it already?!?!?
Should I take my name off of the waiting list?
I had started writing down everything I wanted to do and BAM!
When am I going to have time to do EVERYTHING?
What's most important to me?
When am I going to write?
When am I going to illustrate?
When am I going to learn watercolor?
When am I going to Blog?
When...
Wow, WHT is wrong with me?
Reading over some of the comments left for me,
while they are all so super supportive, I feel like they mostly were
urging me to set up my shop or at least list my items somewhere online.
Rather than have them at a random booth in the middle of the Midwest....
I found this quote and WHOA!
This is TOTALLY me! -
(source)
I'd be long squished by now.And then there were much MUCH bigger things.
The recent death of another person I know to cancer
and now two more people, both beautiful and kind women with families, one being the best friend of someone I'm very close to and another is someone I knew when I was young, both are dealing with terminal cancer.
Usually news like that immediately pulls me out of my "woe is me" mindset.
The realization of MY good fortune to have good health
kicks me in the butt and tells me to KNOCK IT OFF!
I mean, really!
How dare I whine about anything!
But instead I felt overwhelmed with sadness and the anger at the unfairness of it all.
Why is Cancer still here?
Why can't they find the cure?
Why does it take these wonderful people!?
Then I finally got to thinking about how time is precious
and how things can change in an instant,
and how I needed to pull myself out of this stupid tailspin.
Of course there was SOMETHING ELSE that occurred that also caused me to feel so down.
It was a blog post that I had written a long time ago.
I hardly ever go back and read my posts,
but apparently I should.
I had gone to my STATS
and saw that most of my "views" actually were coming from Pinterest!
If I had any common sense at all, I'd be setting up shop on Etsy or somewhere
and then tagging them on Pinterest.
I mean, DUH.
Then I went to see what my most popular post was
or at least the one with the most views and this was it:
HERE
So far it has a total of 17211 views!
Now I realize that most people probably found it while searching for:
Bike riding.
Biking with dogs.
Vespa's.
Vespa's with sidecars for your dog.
5 year plans.
House fires.
or something else, rather than my birthday.
But this was a post from FIVE YEARS AGO!!!
with my plan on where I'd like to be in FIVE years otherwise known as -
NOW.
And that's when I got depressed.
Real depressed.
Not much has changed from then.
I've just been spinning my wheels
and going nowhere?!
I'm doing better than 10 years ago but....
yeah.
So, that's what really did me in for awhile.
It stepped on some of my fingers hanging onto the ledge
as I dangled over my Pity party.
The feeling of all that wasted time.
And the feeling of time running out.
The realization again of my mortality.
And... the feeling that my best days are behind me.
Then I found this:
Helen Mirren at 71.
Thank you Helen.
and this:
''I think midlife is when the universe gently places her hands upon your shoulders, pulls you close, and whispers in your ear:
I’m not screwing around. It’s time. All of this pretending and performing – these coping mechanisms that you’ve developed to protect yourself from feeling inadequate and getting hurt – has to go.
I’m not screwing around. It’s time. All of this pretending and performing – these coping mechanisms that you’ve developed to protect yourself from feeling inadequate and getting hurt – has to go.
Your armor is preventing you from growing into your gifts. I understand that you needed these protections when you were small. I understand that you believed your armor could help you secure all of the things you needed to feel worthy of love and belonging, but you’re still searching and you’re more lost than ever.
Time is growing short. There are unexplored adventures ahead of you. You can’t live the rest of your life worried about what other people think. You were born worthy of love and belonging. Courage and daring are coursing through you. You were made to live and love with your whole heart. It’s time to show up and be seen.''
~ Brené Brown
Thank you Brene Brown.I needed that.
Time to stop THINKING and just start DOING.
In closing, I'm sorry my Blogger friends.
I know that I can be exhausting and majorly repetitive.
Thank you for your patience and kindness.
I hope you are all happy and celebrating Autumn.
I hope you have your lives together and figured out and all is going well.
But if you don't, know that you are not alone
and feel free to share and/or give suggestions on how you SNAP OUT OF IT!
XOXOXOXO
19 comments:
The other day I was in a store and the lady clerk was very helpful and seemed to want to bond with me for some reason. When I was checking out, she went on a bit about how worn out she felt that day and whispered (Heaven forbid someone else might hear) to me that she was 54 years old! To which I told her I was having a perfectly wonderful day even though I would be 67 on my next birthday.
I hope you got a laugh out of this dear Cindy. I love you even though you are such a young whippersnapper. When you get a little age on you, you will find the peace and calmness you seek. I know in my heart this is true. Meanwhile, kick up your heels a little and know you have plenty of time for everything to come together. Listen to free Dave Ramsey podcasts or his radio show (google him) and enjoy the free advice. The other day a woman called in and told of a wonderful job offer her husband had in Chicago, and they could easily sell their California home for a tidy profit, and they had both sets of parents near Chicago...But, oh what if they made the wrong decision??? To which Dave said: Make the move, try it out, if it doesn't work out do something different! Not every decision is life or death. Decisions that don't work out can be changed. XOXOXO Sharon At Rivercrest Cottage.
Sharon,
I'm not really much of a whippersnapper!
I'll be 60 in July.
I'm actually excited about being older so I can retire! LOL!
You are the same age as my step-mom... Hahaha!
Yep, only 7 yrs difference.
That was so fun when I was 18 and she was 25. (not)
Anyway I'm hoping peace and calmness kicks in soon!
I've listened to some Dave Ramsey and I like what he has to say.
About the woman selling the home and making a profit and being closer to family in the Chicago area...ok, that I probably would do that without too much hesitation.
Thing is, my home needs a lot of work to get a good price.
My sister and her hubs plan to move to Vermont. the town population is 197.
Isolation. AND the unemployment rate is high and they tax everything. So... yeah, I doubt that I will move there!
And I guess I'm fine living here because my property taxes are low and the city I live in has no pet limit or restrictions. I'm also lucky because my tiny home is in a really nice neighborhood. To find something of comparable price and size somewhere else, could easily put in me in a questionable area.
Yep, I kinda created the monkey wrench of having multiple pets. but they are my family so I must always consider their welfare first and that makes any move a major decision.
Sometimes I think a move to some place more rural, with a bit of land would be a good idea but then I think how convenient my current location is. Very close to the hospital, the fire station, the grocery store....
But I will think BIGGER and try to kick up my heels a bit.
Thank you!
XOXOXOXO
Cindy, no no. I wasn't suggesting you move. I wanted you to focus on the fact that no decision has to be permanent. I was making the point about a new space. Keep your name on the list, and when it's available decide then whether to take it or not. Keep your options open. We are actually thinking of moving and have put in a lot of time finding the "perfect" state. When I heard Dave's conversation, it struck me that we should just go with what seemed right, but know it doesn't necessarily have to be the "last" move we make.
Sharon!
Oh! LOL!
I guess it's because the thought of moving has been on my mind a lot lately.
My sister talks about moving to Vermont and my oldest niece is going to moving somewhere in the southwest area she thinks. She's currently at an Artist retreat in New Mexico and after she completes that, she is going to find where she wants to move to!
My middle niece wants to move to Portland, Oregon and Lily is considering moving there eventually too.
All this has caused me to think about moving too.
And also the fact that the city I live in is kinda going down the drain if they don't do something soon.
The cities across the River seem to have more to offer but....
Yeah, that's why I thought you were saying I should move I guess! LOL!
I'm excited to see where you decide the perfect state is!
:D :D :D
xoxoxoxo
I love the quote about flat squirrels who couldn't make a decision. Good luck!
Hi Cindi, your blog really hit home to me. I've been feeling all 'yucky' and down recently, with no good reason, I should add. But you've prompted me to get things moving (things, not me) I have so much 'stuff' cluttering up my home, and I really don't need much of it at all. In the last few weeks I've donated several hundred books to charity shops, and I've hundreds more that can go. This is really a big step for me. There was a time when I wouldn't have even considered cutting down on my book collection, but now some have gone I find I don't miss them at all. So now, you've given the kick to start to get rid of all my little ornaments. You know the sort, the kind that look cute, but do nothing more than gather dust. So thank you. Blessings
PS I'm 71 in November! HA!
bless helen mirren.
she and I are the same age. 71.
I've been waiting for a picture of her that is not all glam. thanks!
she is proof to me that you just get better and better.
and now to YOU!
you are the rarest of people cindi.
you are one of the few who speak totally what's in your heart without worrying how it will sound.
that's a gift in my estimation.
people usually only let us know what they want us to know. you're just 'out there' like a child would be. and it's why we all love children. they 'tell it like it is!'
that is so refreshing. TOTALLY.
my Rx for any kind of depression is maybe weird to anyone not a minimalist. but I read blog after blog and vlogs about minimalism.
and simple living blogs.
they refresh me. even though I already live the simple way.
for you...
they might be very inspiring and uplifting or they might make you even more glum! it's a toss up.
but I do know this...
STUFF in every corner and every drawer and shelf and closet can make you feel smothered. it's a killer of energy. both in you and in your home.
it's really almost a spiritual thing.
what I would say... of course... :) just get it OUT! don't think about each thing and agonize over any of it.
so what if you don't get money for it! that's what stops most people.
you don't have the money anyway if it's sitting there!
donate it all.
get receipts that you can then write off on your taxes. that's money right there!
and no hassle with booths or ads or whatever.
uh oh.
this is getting way too long isn't it. and BOSSY!!! so bossy. :(
this little blue box has fooled me before!!! I get on a roll and then when I see my comment published it looks like 'war and peace!' LOLOL
so
i'll shut up now.
I read your birthday post. OMG.
fire that close. but you got all the valuables out. you and your beloveds.
THAT is still the most important thing in your home to this day.
not the stuff!
stuff OUT! THEN you'll have the beautiful SPACE and ENERGY to create!!! just close your eyes and pitch it! seriously!
oh yeah. I was going to shut up wasn't I?
LOLOLOL! energizer bunny mouth.
XOXOXOXOXXOXOXOXO♥
Cindi, let me tell you something. No one, and I mean no one, has their act completely together. Yes, some of us are blessed with good health, careers we love and families who are tight knit and 'normal'. But I've always found when you scratch below the surface, there's more to their lives than meets the eye. Everyone is messed up in their own way, some just hide it better than others. Being aware of it, knowing our weaknesses (for lack of a better word) is more than half the battle. The people who are really in trouble are the ones that don't even know they're messed up lol.
Goals are great, but don't be down because they weren't achieved, I realized the other day not one dream that I've had in my life has come to fruition. But that's ok. I'm living the life I was meant to live, and so are you. You are making a difference. More than you know. Go ahead and allow yourself to feel sad, even depressed if you must. Our feelings are our feelings and can't be denied. But this too shall pass, so just pick yourself up by your bootstraps and get on to the business of living when you're ready. The world is waiting for your special touch.
Jean,
Yes! That would be me,
a squished squirrel!
They run out in front of me daily,
hesitating in the middle of the road
not sure what to do.
But the other day one just flew across the street
and I couldn't help admire his daring.
xoxo
Leslie,
Yes, getting rid of THINGS feels so good.
Kinda like someone opening a window and a gust of cool fresh air blowing in.
Bravo at getting rid of the books!
I have several and I know I will keep many but some just must GO!
The same for my magazine collection!
Yes! It MUST go!
As far as "ornaments" go, I don't have very many.
The cure for that is CATS! They have helped get rid of so many things.
and Jimmy too. He's quite the helper! LOL!
Seriously though, I'm glad if this post helped you a bit.
I vow to get rid of things at a much faster rate!
xoxoxo
And let me say Happy Birthday to you early!
They say the 70's are the new Middle Age!
:D :D :D
Tammy,
Oh I worry how it sounds!
LOL!
I worry about everything! but I'd rather be truthful and just put it out there I guess.
If people take it wrong, I hope they will at least comment and discuss it.
But...oh well.
Sigh.
But thank you.
I once read a book on Feng Shui and it was saying how everything needs to be clean and clear so good energy could flow.
Nothing in corners or things stuff under a bed.
(Although I have NOTHING under MY bed because there are dogs under there at night! LOL!)
But I'm going to do as you say and just get rid of it!
I have started filling a bag every Wednesday, the day before trash day and just getting rid of it!
And also, you are right about the money. Time IS money and look at all the time I've wasted dealing with STUFF!
I love that you and Helen are the same age.
Just goes to show, it's only a number.
xoxoxoxox
and PS, I LOVE long comments!
ESPECIALLY yours!
:D
Oh Doreen!
Thank you so much for this comment!
I must say, to me you seem to have it all together!
You are funny, creative, gorgeous and got that cutie-pie for a husband.
I love reading about your great ideas and renovations and trips.
I can't believe you ever had a goal that you didn't achieve
but when you said it didn't matter and that you are living the life you were meant to live
and so was I and
that I made a difference.
Wow, thank you.
I mean, thank you! I needed that.
Jeez, where would I be without my wonderful blogger friends!
XOXOXO
I read this. All of it.
I don't know where to begin, honestly.
So I won't.
I have no words to help alleviate depression - I suffer badly from the blues myself and fight hard to battle them.
All I can offer is a hug (♥)
Vicki,
Thank you for the hug!
XOXOXOXOXOXOXO
Hello Friend! I'm going through my blog list and catching up, and here I am at yours. We are truly cut from the same cloth. I know exactly how and what you're feeling. There are some good thoughts here, and I wish I knew one to give you, but I don't. We can only just keep going and for you, I'll hope it helps knowing that you have someone in northern Virginia cheering you on to not give up, and know that you are truly someone special, and whose cyber-friendship I have come to value.
Kim,
Thank you SO much for your comment!
It helps to know that I'm not alone.
XOXOXOXO
It's funny how most times I feel closer to my cyper-friends than to people I know in "real" life.
I'm feeling better, mentally.
Well, as much as a person can on the evening before their vacation ends! LOL!
I took a couple of days backed up to the weekend for some vacation time and I immediately came down with the flu.
Yep! I've been coughing and sniffing and trying to swallow for days now.
I can feel that I'm finally on the mend though!
Just in time to go back to work. Groan.
Oh well!
Thanks again!
xoxo
Long time, no hear from you. Miss your wit.
Sharon,
Thank you for checking in with me.
I've been sick.
Well, actually still sick, but I will be well any day now!
LOL!
I will be posting a post tonight, hopefully.
XOXOXOXOXO
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