THE GRUMPY OLD MAN TURNS ELEVEN

Today Blue turned ELEVEN!
I took this photo just before leaving the house this morning.
I used a couple of apps to make it more like a painting-

Yep, He's eleven and he is a grumpy old man.

The grumpiness has been building.
The occasional ROAR of irritation when someone is in his way
or laying his spot.

He's just low on patience.
He'll do that bark growl that sends the other dogs into a tizzy.
They jump up and bark at him
and he storms through the herd of them like an angry bull.

If anyone really gets in his face,
he'll grab ahold of them and slam them to the floor and hold them there
until they stop fighting and are totally submissive.

Years ago when Jimmy Chew was very young, he challenged Blue
and Blue body slammed him to the ground and held him by the throat.
Jimmy was so terrified that his anal glands expressed themselves.
Jimmy was fine, just wet with saliva but he never challenged him again.

Sometimes when Blue is really in a mood and is stomping around roaring
I can tell that Jimmy thinks he needs to protect me.
He doesn't, I'm the Alpha dog
but Jimmy will stand in front of me and face-off with Blue.
He will  bark with all his might as his whole body trembles in fear.
Yep, Jimmy can push my buttons and sometimes really frustrate the Hell out of me
but I know he's got my back.

Lately though, Blue's fuse has been super short.
The other day as the little ones ran through the kitchen for the laundry room to get their dinner,
Blue decided to walk out of the kitchen and into the living room.
I always feed Blue first, so it wasn't like he was hungry but
all the little dogs rushing past him, must have annoyed him
because I heard that ROAR
and then a horrible little scream.

It was my little Poppy.

She doesn't even weigh a full 5 pounds
and he had her down.
Now if it was one of the bigger dogs it would have just been a moment
of catch and release
but in this case, he caught her head and left a little small cut above her eye from his tooth.
I was there in a second
and of course I couldn't yell at him to STOP!
because he's deaf.
But I grabbed ahold of his head and neck and pulled him away
and he instantly ran and hid up the kitchen table.
He always hides there when he gets into trouble
because no one can see him there....

or so he thinks.

I realize that he's just being a cranky ass because if
he really meant business, she'd be dead.
But... it has me on hyper alert now.

I talked with Doc and because we just ran all sorts of blood-work tests
and did x-rays and everything on Blue when he was so ill,
we know there's nothing physically wrong with him except as Doc says -
He's a grumpy old man. That's what happens to us, we get grumpy."
I told him about Poppy and Doc said, "She's just a mouthful!"
and then he just shook his head and said "that's what can happen with a pack".

Without going into extreme detail about pack mentality,
I'll just say that I'm aware of that and that wasn't it.
It wasn't the group of them in some sort of frenzy
or them trying to weed out the weak
or one or more trying to take over the group.
They know I'm the leader.
There's no doubt of that.
Even Blue knows, that's why he hightails it to under the kitchen table.

Nope, it's just Blue doesn't really care about the other dogs.
They just mostly annoy him.
He's a people dog.
And if he sees Lily or my sister he jumps up and down in excitement.

Yep, I think I'm living with a "Lion" (who I love with all my heart)
and a houseful of "Lemurs" who like to run around and play
and get in the way of the Lion who just wants to sleep.

So I'm making sure to keep the lines of visual communication open with Blue and me.
That's always worked before.
He has always watched me to see what to do and not to do.
I just have to stay very attentive to him when he gets up and moves about.

As I type out this post, he's at my feet.
Not on the dog bed
or my BIG chair that he loves but on the wood floor.
I do adore this grumpy dog.
I brought birthday cupcakes in his honor to work

and wrote on the medical board for all to see that today was his Eleventh birthday
and I thanked everyone who made that possible!

So HAPPY BIRTHDAY GRUMPY OLD MAN!
I love you with all my heart
and I hope all the little ones just stay out of your way.

The TIME isn't all that's gonna CHANGE!

Now that Daylight Savings Time is here
I guess I have to accept that it's actually Fall.
I love Fall!
But I dread what comes next.
And now with the time change
and most of the leaves on the ground...
I know it won't be long before it's COLD.

The temps this weekend have been quite warm for the Midwest.
Yesterday it was low 70's and almost that today.

I worked in the yard, planting roses that I had bought and a few other discounted perennials that were waiting to get in the ground.
I tidied up the yard a bit and moved things around.
I don't know if you recall but I had my washing machine die at the beginning of the summer.
I had rolled it out the back door, across the patio and then out the the yard.
No one could see it as it was hidden from view by morning glories, vines, trees and fencing in some areas.
But now that it's all dying down and most of the leaves have fallen, I needed to get it out of my yard.
It was too heavy to put on a dolly and I wasn't able to wobble it back and forth because of the grass,
so I rolled it.
Yep.
I could do about 3 rolls and I'd have to stop and rest.
When I got it down part of the driveway to a spot not too far from the street but still partially hidden by the house, I waited.
I live on a busy street and traffic goes by in spurts.
I waited for a break in traffic and then rolled it like crazy to the curb.
It's odd that I was embarrassed about being seen rolling a washing machine
and yet I share the fact here on my blog for the world to read.

Anyway, I got it to the curb and started weeding and planting up by the house
and I kid you not, within 20 minutes a truck stopped and two people loaded up my broken, doorless washer with mud and scratches all over it.
They will probably get a few dollars when they scrap that thing
and i was happy to have it gone.

So I worked in the yard for a while
and finally went inside when it was time to feed the dogs.
While outside I thought a lot about whether I really want to move
and why and where.
I came up with decision and I'm pretty sure I've got it figured out.
I'll save those ideas for another post.

Last night I spent a lot of time on Pinterest.
That always helps me and motives me.
It gave me several ideas about my home.
Totally different ideas than I've had before.
But I think that's what I need to do,
to look at things from a whole different perspective.
I'll share those later too.

But that got me to thinking about writing posts
and about people who read my blog.
I must say, the comments I got, the condolences about Vera....
Touched my heart and my soul.
I didn't feel so alone and it helps with the grief.
I am so glad that I have this world, this blog world full of wonderful caring people.
I'm blessed to have my blog friends.

So.... I'm going to concentrate more on my blog.
I'm not sure what all I'm going to do but I'm going to get organized,
read and learn from some of the links I found on Pinterest
and study some of the blogs whose layout and style I admire
and change it up.
I've got several ideas.
So if you see some changes, you know what's motivated it.
All of you!

Again! Thank you for being there!!!!
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

Heaven has another Angel Dog.

I had to let my perfect little dog Vera Wag go to Heaven this afternoon.
I was lucky to have her for the last 8 years of her life.
She turned 13 this year.
I thought I would have had longer with her
but she didn't want to eat and worse than that, she was giving me this "look".
My friend/co-worker Katie, the one who went back and took care of Blue after his surgery,
talked with me about Vera and how she was feeling.
She came back to boarding this morning and I was holding Vera and I was saying how Vera was giving me this pleading look.
I turned to her and found her crying and Katie said that maybe I needed to tell Vera it was OK to "go".
So I told Vera that it was OK, that she could go to Heaven and she just stared at me with big frightened eyes.

We had our monthly staff meeting today over the lunch hour and afterwards Lily came back to see Vera.
She walked into the run and knelt down next to her bed and just started crying.
"Why are you crying?!" I asked as I cried too.
Lily said that she could tell that Vera was ready.
That she wanted to go.
I told Lily I wasn't sure if I was ready for her to go yet and Lily got up and told me to call her if I needed her.
(She had the day off and left.)

Katie had left early for the day and I texted her and told her about Lily.
She answered back that she thought that Vera was trying to tell me something.
She thought Vera's eyes were trying to send me a message.
That she was ready.
As I was texting Katie, telling her that I needed to call Lily, Katie walked in the door.
She had come back to work to help me and Vera.

I called Lily and she came back too, in just mere minutes.

I'm so thankful to these two wonderful girls who helped me accept that it was time to end Vera's suffering.
As I held Vera, Katie commented how she could feel the bones in her back and there was nothing to her legs, just skin and bones and
Just the huge tumor that bloated her belly.
Vera's little face stared up at me and Katie said
"Can you see it? The way she's trying to tell you that she's ready?"
Through my tears I said Yes.
The three of us went outside and sat in the grass with Vera.
Katie gave her an injection to relax her
and then she went and got the vet, not Doc but the newer woman vet who helped me with Stretch.
She came outside and knelt down in the grass with us and released Vera from her tired and swollen body so that she could go to Heaven.
I thanked her and she told me she was so sorry and went back inside.

Then Lily commented that now Vera would be with Raini,
my little cat that passed at the beginning of the year.

Vera loved that cat.
Lily said "Now Raini can give Vera massages in Heaven".
(Raini loved to knead on the dogs, especially Vera.)
That made me cry even harder but then...the thought of them together started to bring me some peace.
I thanked Lily for that, and for being there
and I thanked Katie for returning and helping me.

I held Vera for a few moments more, but she was gone.
I handed her to Lily and she said she'd take care of her and I left to go home.
I cried as I drove, I know it was for the best but...
life is so damn unfair sometimes. 

Day of the Dead and Chippiannock Cemetery

This post is in reference to the Day of the Dead, the day that follows Halloween.

I didn't used to know about Day of the Dead,
the celebration of those who have passed
and how they come out one night a year to visit and rejoice with loved ones.

HERE is a link to explain it better if you are not familiar with it.

It's also about one of the local cemeteries here in Rock Island.
A cemetery that is listed as one of America's top haunted spots.
Chippiannock Cemetery.
There's a lot of statues and monuments in the cemetery and I believe I've written a post a few years back about them, complete with photos but I will share a few of them here again.
You can also go HERE for more info.

Here's a few of my photos:

These were taken with my old camera.
I apologize for the blurriness.

It's a big cemetery and then across the road is another cemetery -
Calvary Cemetery.
Here's a couple of photos from there:

I went to find the post that I had written about the time my sister talked me into going to the cemetery at night during Day of the Dead.
I thought it was just a couple of years ago but evidently it was FIVE!
It kinda freaks me out how time is flying!

Ever since then she's tried talking me into going back.
Last year I can't remember my excuse.
Maybe it had rained
or it was really cold
or I had to work the next day and didn't want to be out late.

Unfortunately this year I just realized the weather it supposed to be in the 70's during the day
and no rain
and I have the next day, Wednesday off.
I still don't want to go back,
not after what showed up on my photos from the first time we went!
But I have a feeling that my sister will really push me to go.
Last time I was told it probably was moisture on my camera lens.
If I were to go this year, I'd be using my iPhone....
but I'm not going!

Anyway, HERE is the post.
Complete with photos of what was in the cemetery that night.

Vera Wag

I have a lot of dogs.

Anyone who reads my blog knows that.

I mostly talk about my Blue or

Maybe about Jimmy Chew and whatever trouble he's got himself into.

I also don't talk about them all because I think it gets confusing and hard for people to keep track of everyone.

That doesn't mean that each and every one of them aren't special to me and hold a piece of my heart.

A sad fact too is that sometimes when they are absolutely perfect they might not get as much attention as the trouble makers.

"Good" dogs don't always make for the funniest of stories sometimes too.

Perfect is my little Vera.

(this is Vera in 2008 after she got all groomed up fancy)

I know that I wrote about her before but it's been a very long time ago.

She's of course another rescue.

A beautiful grey miniature poodle hidden under dirty matted hair.

She's the kind of dog that no matter what, would never bite.

She sits silently and patiently as she's groomed.

They have pulled a loose tooth with her wide awake and she just let them.

All she wants are snuggles and kisses in return.

So...

I went to shave Vera last Wednesday night.
I've been shaving the poodles like Serta sheep with skinny legs and fluffy bodies.
Because of that fluffiness I didn't realize that Vera's belly was extremely swollen and her back legs very puffy until I started shaving her.

I brought her into work me the next morning and they did X-rays
and then an ultrasound and they found a HUGE mass.
Too big to remove and most likely attached to one or more organs.
She's 13 years old.
Since she's still eating and running around and even still jumps up on the bed, they don't think she's in pain.
They say if she quits eating then it's time.

They also said she's losing some blood and there is probably some internal bleeding.
They said she might end up bleeding out sometime but that it's not a bad way to go.
Meaning she could just pass away some time.

I gotta say, sometimes it's really hard to focus on the positives and remain upbeat.

UPDATE

This Friday (today) her belly was as big as a basketball and her hind legs and hocks were triple their size.

I'm now giving her twice daily injections of Salix to get rid of all the fluid she's retaining.
She was so bloated that you could lay your hand on her belly and it would become moist.

I asked one of the vets how long she had.

She said it could be a day or it could be weeks.

I added "or months?"

But she sadly shook her head and said 

No, not months.

So...

I'm not asking for prayers or healing thoughts.

This is not something that is going to get better.

I hesitated even sharing this but...

I do share just about everything and...

well...if I didn't share I would feel like once again, Vera the perfect dog,
wouldn't get the attention she deserved.

If anything I guess I just want everyone to take a few extra moments out of their day
and hug and love on those who don't get their fair share.

Those who are so good that they don't get constant attention.

I know that's what I'll be doing in these final days.

WHAT I DID ON MY VACATION and my SURPRISE GIFT

Wednesday's are now my day off.
Last Wednesday morning I met a friend for breakfast.
It was kinda the official start of my vacation because
I had used the last of my vacation days and had taken Thursday through Saturday off
and I had Sunday off too!
So that made for a nice group of a few days to get things done
and to relax a little bit.
My throat had felt a little sore the night before so I stopped after breakfast and picked up
throat spray, cough drops and NyQuil so that I could nip it in the bud.

By Thursday I was sick.
Friday I was much worse.
Saturday I had the chills and was sweating and about to call for last rites.
Sunday I woke up still sick but mad
and determined to get some use out of the wasted days so I
made myself do some work around the house and then went outside to finish some yard work 
in an effort to sweat my cold away and get some things done before the cold weather set in for good.

Monday I returned to work and was tired, dizzy and coughing so bad that I left a little after 1:00.
Fortunately the new girl was able to come in and cover my shift. 
I finally got home and when I walked in the door I discovered that Dewey had gotten me a little something.

I'm assuming he thought it would cheer me up.
I feel bad for the little mouse.
The weather is quite cool now
and cold at night.
He probably squeezed his way into the basement
looking to get warm
not knowing what waited for him inside.

Today I went back at work.
Several co-workers urged me to go home.
They thought I sounded worse than I had been on Monday.
I know I was coughing more.
My voice was almost gone too.
Finally one of them, a friend, came back and said to me that she had decided
that I needed to go HOME!
I told her I would...
after I gave a bath to a dog that I had promised his owner that I would
and after I finish up a few things.

Of course there's the financial issue of it as
we only get 24 hours sick time and I burned that up at the beginning of the year.
And I obviously just used up the last of my vacation hours.

Finally I got what needed to be done, done and left.
Luckily almost all the boarders had left
and it would only be a couple of hours until my evening shift worker would be in.

I'm lucky that I have tomorrow off.
Another day to recover!
I'm just bummed because I had so many plans for the last few days.
One was a day trip with a friend to drive to a few cool places
but she had to cancel last minute, so I guess that worked out for the best
and at least I got the outside stuff almost done.
But I wanted to work on figuring out Etsy and set up my shop
and of course work on making Art for Etsy.

I also had several things I wanted to write about and share in blog posts.
Things that happened and I don't want to forget to share!

Yep...

Oh well!
Enough whining.
I need to stop planning out specific times
and just do things in little bits and it will get done.

Right now though, I think I will curl up in my big chair
with a cup of green tea
and let myself be covered up with my furry critters
and nap until it's time for bed and my Nyquil
but I mostly just wanted to pop in and let everyone know
why I haven't posted in a while.

XOXOXOXO

How I am SNAPPING out of it.

The last few days I've felt rather...
DEPRESSED.
I know I shouldn't be.
That it's very self-indulgent.
Things are better for me right now than they have been for quite a while..
My work load is lightening up.
A few vacation days are on the horizon.
I'm healthy.
I have a million creative ideas
and yet....
I've felt really
BUMMED OUT.

Usually when I felt like this, I started to count my blessings.
There are so many people out there with
REAL PROBLEMS
I mean, how dare I!?

In the past I would give myself a few days.
Just wait for the feeling to pass.
And I usually start researching things
and looking at images that make me happy and feed me creatively.

I'm not the most tolerant of self-pity
and those who prefer to embrace unhappiness.
Someone I know is always posting on Facebook
about how her life sucks and how everything happens to her
and she's exhausting.
I tried commenting and leaving her encouraging thoughts
but she's like -
"Nope, I'm miserable".
I just backed off and didn't bother to comment further
although I wanted to say -
"And that is how you will stay."

My own father suffered from depression
and let me say right now, I was not IN a depression.
Just "feeling" depressed and kinda down.

So yes, for me, time always helps
and SIGNS.
I always think that The Universe puts a sign, a message into my path
to take care of the feeling.
To motivate me, to make me
SNAP OUT OF IT!

So why was I feeling depressed?
Well, the usual things.
Things going wrong around the house.
Things breaking and the irritation of having to figure out how to fix them and pay for them.
Unexpected bills.
Just the stuff that life is made of
and the downside of being a responsible adult.

And other stuff.
Stupid stuff like dealing with clutter
SO. MUCH. CLUTTER.
and just making myself get rid of it.
I mean how stupid is that?
That clutter could overwhelm me
when in reality it's something that could be easily remedied.
Trash it or donate it or....
Put it in my booth, when I get my booth.

Is my booth a good idea?
Jeez, now after a long post about the excitement of getting a booth
I'm questioning it already?!?!?
Should I take my name off of the waiting list?
I had started writing down everything I wanted to do and BAM!
When am I going to have time to do EVERYTHING?
What's most important to me?
When am I going to write?
When am I going to illustrate?
When am I going to learn watercolor?
When am I going to Blog?
When...
Wow, WHT is wrong with me?

Reading over some of the comments left for me,
while they are all so super supportive, I feel like they mostly were
urging me to set up my shop or at least list my items somewhere online.
Rather than have them at a random booth in the middle of the Midwest....

I found this quote and WHOA!
This is TOTALLY me! -

(source)

I'd be long squished by now.

And then there were much MUCH bigger things.
The recent death of another person I know to cancer
and now two more people, both beautiful and kind women with families, one being the best friend of someone I'm very close to and another is someone I knew when I was young, both are dealing with terminal cancer.

Usually news like that immediately pulls me out of my "woe is me" mindset.
The realization of MY good fortune to have good health
kicks me in the butt and tells me to KNOCK IT OFF!
I mean, really!
How dare I whine about anything!
But instead I felt overwhelmed with sadness and the anger at the unfairness of it all.
Why is Cancer still here?
Why can't they find the cure?
Why does it take these wonderful people!?

Then I finally got to thinking about how time is precious
and how things can change in an instant,
and how I needed to pull myself out of this stupid tailspin.

Of course there was SOMETHING ELSE that occurred that also caused me to feel so down.
It was a blog post that I had written a long time ago.
I hardly ever go back and read my posts,
but apparently I should.
I had gone to my STATS
and saw that most of my "views" actually were coming from Pinterest!
If I had any common sense at all, I'd be setting up shop on Etsy or somewhere
and then tagging them on Pinterest.
I mean, DUH.

Then I went to see what my most popular post was
or at least the one with the most views and this was it:
HERE
So far it has a total of 17211 views!
Now I realize that most people probably found it while searching for:
Bike riding.
Biking with dogs.
Vespa's.
Vespa's with sidecars for your dog.
5 year plans.
House fires.
or something else, rather than my birthday.

But this was a post from FIVE YEARS AGO!!!
with my plan on where I'd like to be in FIVE years otherwise known as -
NOW.
And that's when I got depressed.
Real depressed.

Not much has changed from then.
I've just been spinning my wheels
and going nowhere?!
I'm doing better than 10 years ago but....
yeah.

So, that's what really did me in for awhile.
It stepped on some of my fingers hanging onto the ledge
as I dangled over my Pity party.
The feeling of all that wasted time.
And the feeling of time running out.
The realization again of my mortality.
And... the feeling that my best days are behind me.

Then I found this:

(source)
Helen Mirren at 71.

Thank you Helen.

and this:

''I think midlife is when the universe gently places her hands upon your shoulders, pulls you close, and whispers in your ear:
I’m not screwing around. It’s time. All of this pretending and performing – these coping mechanisms that you’ve developed to protect yourself from feeling inadequate and getting hurt – has to go.

Your armor is preventing you from growing into your gifts. I understand that you needed these protections when you were small. I understand that you believed your armor could help you secure all of the things you needed to feel worthy of love and belonging, but you’re still searching and you’re more lost than ever.

Time is growing short. There are unexplored adventures ahead of you. You can’t live the rest of your life worried about what other people think. You were born worthy of love and belonging. Courage and daring are coursing through you. You were made to live and love with your whole heart. It’s time to show up and be seen.''

~ Brené Brown

Thank you Brene Brown.

I needed that.

Time to stop THINKING and just start DOING.

In closing, I'm sorry my Blogger friends.
I know that I can be exhausting and majorly repetitive.
Thank you for your patience and kindness.
I hope you are all happy and celebrating Autumn.
I hope you have your lives together and figured out and all is going well.
But if you don't, know that you are not alone
and feel free to share and/or give suggestions on how you SNAP OUT OF IT!
XOXOXOXO